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No washing no teeth brushing

(15 Posts)
keelyboo Mon 15-Apr-13 10:07:38

Im sorry i suspect this may get boring

Children went to their dads gf for the weekend (with him obviously) i said they need a bath friday night and got moaned at the fact so did her children, i was polite in telling him basically not my problem and they need a bath.

I last washed their hair wed dd is 9 and starting the hormonal changes and NEEDS a wash every day and hair washing every other day its long and thick and she sweats a lot, she can wash it herself with a bit of help (again long thick etc) but he put her in the shower and didnt even watch to make sure so her hair got wet and was filthy by the time she came home sunday. this happened last visit too.

he took their toothbrushes as forgot theirs from his, but both girls piped up at different points "mum we only brushed our teeth once all weekend"

now i know its only every other weekend and no it wont kill them but ffs its simple things hygiene that they need and i insist on, if i try and speak to them i get "they are lying" which i also get in response to them fighting with gfs youngest dd all weekend, dd2 infact came home with a nasty graze under her eye after she was hit.

dd2 is saying she doesnt want to go and her dad doesnt care about her and ignores her all weekend, ive tried to be positive in a "of course he loves you hes your daddy" but im still just getting the same stubborn response.

we cant have a simple discussion over anything and i let a lot go but hes been told about dd needing to wash in the morning and if she asks she gets told "oh it doesnt matter go get dressed" here she would just go do it but obviously she cant there its not her home and shes no idea where towels and flannels are.

If i try to discuss something im the one being difficult and looking for problems that arent there!

keelyboo Mon 15-Apr-13 10:11:39

also they complained he wont give them soap to wash, its readily available here although i tend to help dd2 (7) to make sure she doesnt use the whole bottle, again i know a wash in plain water will get them cleanish but why would you refuse i just dont get it? its a bit of soap its like he enjoys saying no to them sad

also he told me the graze on her face happened when she fell off the bike which both my girls are adimant that was not the case

TigerSwallowtail Mon 15-Apr-13 10:26:56

DS's dad and paternal grandparents are like this too, won't wash him or remind him to brush his teeth the whole time he's there, he's 6. I've given them toothbrushes and toothpaste but they still refuse and instead lie to my face that he has toothbrushes etc there already and washes/brushes teeth when I know he doesn't.

I've no advice sorry as I've still not found a way to encourge them to brush DS's teeth and wash his face.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 15-Apr-13 10:28:29

the nine year old is capable of showering on her own. you need to teach her. she is too old to have her dad watch her shower. she also needs to take responsibility for cleaning her own teeth.
dd 2 on the other hand, needs to be reminded to brush teeth. give them a cheap bar of soap for dad's house. (shouldn't have to though.) (cheap flannel and a value towel from tescos too by the sound of it)

unfortunately, I think you will have to equip the children with materials and skills to fend for themselves a bit at their dad's house. you can not force him to follow the same rules as you.

Alwayscheerful Mon 15-Apr-13 10:30:08

I think I would make sure the children were washed and hair clean before they went on Friday and ask for the children to be returned me on Sunday in time for bath and hair washing plus send them with their own towels and shower gel, it might seem unfair for you but Friday evenings can be a bit fraught for step children and there is never enough time for settling in, dinner, catching up with the weeks news and bath and story time. Unfair but at least you will only have Saturday to worry about and one day is not the end of he world. As for the grazes, very worrying , you need to keep a record and try and get responses in writing, some times Dads just don't have Mums instincts in preventing accidents, hopefully it's nothing more sinister.

keelyboo Mon 15-Apr-13 10:48:37

always i said to my bf last night im going to start making sure i bath thurs night instead of wed.i dont have time fri mornings before school due to a lengthy school run (walk ) and he collects them straight from school when they do, but yes at least then its only sat they are really going without.

dd1 can shower alone she just needs a little help with her hair still its something im working on. and i did speak to her about the fact she needs to just go do it and said to speak to her dads gf if she needs a flannel etc for a wash as she seems pretty keyed up i mean she has 4 f her own, trouble is its all very new for them and its not their home and their are barely settling in just yet im expecting him to see this and help them out a bit to make them feel at home but hes not.

thanks though, im going to remind them again before they go next about making sure they just take themselves, although that doesnt help with ds who is only 2?

HerrenaHarridan Mon 15-Apr-13 13:02:59

This will be controversial with some folk but hey ho,
You have dd9 dd7 and ds2 right?

Can you ask dd9 to make sure the other 2 are getting washed properly, obviously don't make it about the fact their dads not doing in but just say to her something like " dd9 I don't think the little ones have been doing a terribly good job of brushing their teeth since your big enough to know how to do it properly can you help them"

Yy to sending them with a little wash bag and towel sad

Does he drop them off with you in Sunday or straight off at school Monday?

keelyboo Mon 15-Apr-13 14:25:30

herrena yep thats the right ages i think it might be the only thing i can do, not ideal but i dont think dd would mind too much, although its a lot of responsibility but talking to their dad improves nothing.

he drops them home sunday at 6pm so we have plenty of time for a good shower/bath hair washing session thankfully, ds came home sticky and i said oh you could have washed his hands and face, i mean he was black, and he said oh he ate a lolly (hard boiled one) in the car on the way home, feel like nutting a wall sometimes tbh because he thinks im over reacting "hes never choked before" makes my blood boil really does

Alwayscheerful Mon 15-Apr-13 14:31:45

Sorry I didn't realise there were three little ones. Long hair can take ages to wash and rinse properly even for grown ups! I suspect the children probably feel a bit lost without you. No doubt they resent having to share their DF with DSC's and I presume there are at least five children in the house.

I am lucky my daughter was nearly grown up before I acquired my three lovely step children and I like to think I looked after my DC's as if they were my own but 5 little ones in the house would have been quite challenging.
Yes the eldest one will have to take charge of the younger ones, perhaps you can reward her with some special toiletries and a new wash bag, try to encourage her to help as if she were going on holiday without you.

if her step mum was treating her to hair products and french plaiting or blowdrying her hair you would naturally feel pang of envy, it's so difficult to get the balance right but perhaps life is very chaotic in the house a weekends with so many little ones.

keelyboo Mon 15-Apr-13 15:07:21

no its ok i didnt make it very clear, in total there are 7 children when my 3 go but two of his gfs children are teenagers. I agree his gf is going to have a lot on her hands added to which they have`only ever spent 6 "days" with her 2 of which were this weekend so my three arent ready for her to take charge just yet which isnt helping i dont think but he just wont see it from my view.

I did speak to their dad and i get a lot of "they are lying and well ive got 2 other little ones to look after too" which doesnt help his gf works very long hours from what hes said so all childcare falls on him anyway.

all very difficult really, i will def speak to my eldest befoe the next overnight visit im hoping as they get to know each other better things will settle down, i just feel for them they are confused (dd1 asked her dad about him moving in etc and got "its none of your business" and stuck in a house full weekend with children they dont know but i keep being positive about it as much as i can..and blast my negative feelings at my poor mum lol

aliciaflorrick Mon 15-Apr-13 15:22:23

I have the same problem OP, my DCs go off with their dad on the odd weekend. At home they use my toothpaste so I expect that they share their dad's toothpaste with him, but apparently he never has any. He doesn't get them to wash either when they're with him and because they normally stay in a hotel and not his home the DCs aren't comfortable enough to use the shower or bath for themselves. Although they do get upset about not being able to brush their teeth from Friday night through to Sunday when they come home.

Still, I shouldn't be surprised my Ex H was always a dirty bugger, it's one of the problems I had with him. I did hope he would be better with the DCs though.

HerrenaHarridan Mon 15-Apr-13 16:50:15

shock Poor kids, no wonder they don't feel like they're spending time with their dad. Especially if he's sofree with calling them liars to cover his back.

Do they actually want to go over night? Maybe day visits would be better!

keelyboo Mon 15-Apr-13 17:47:42

alicia what annoys me more is he manages to do these things for himself but cant spend a couple of minutes reminding the kids!

herrena its all happening quite fast if i say anything im being unreasonable and trying to cause problems, what annoys me more is when i started seeing my boyfriend i got told to take it slow and not rush the kids by their dad!! i just feel personally he could hold off the moving in and spend their weekends half an half while they get used to it but its his time with them so he can spend it as he wishes which is fair enough i guess.

dd2 says she doesnt want to go at all not even for tea on wed ive simply told her to see how she feels at the time and if she still doesnt want to well il have to discuss it with her dad see what he thinks in how to help her feel better about it, right now all she says is daddy doesnt care about us nothing i say changes her mind

bluebell8782 Tue 16-Apr-13 08:43:55

I have my 10 year old SD eow..she will try and get away with not washing or cleaning her teeth every time and as wonderful as her dad is it's me that will remind her to do it.. It's frustrating as she really is old enough to not be reminded and I seem to be the only one concerned about it!
I understand your frustrations..is there any way you could have a quiet chat with the girlfriend or is communication bad there?

keelyboo Tue 16-Apr-13 15:57:38

Hi bluebell, i kow the kids will avoid it if poss although ive had a good chat with them to make sure they realise they must. I havent even met the gf, when i dropped dd1 off there a few weeks back she didnt even pop her head round to say hi.theyve only been with each other 5 months tops so its all very new not much chance for oppurtunities to meet her to arise, though i have no issues with her so id happily talk to her i dont know if its her not wanting to talk to me or ex trying to keep us apart, though he has no reasons to weve been over a very long time

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