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(10 Posts)
keelyboo Fri 12-Apr-13 09:52:41

I send everything with my children (even down to piggin toys ffs) as ex is moving in they wont have room for anything of their own still so im still going to be sending it all.

But, now this will sound petty, im sick of sending wipes and not getting the pack back he doesnt use the whole pack over 2 days but as he gives nothing ive stopped sending wipes and he shouted at me i ignored it told him to go to the shop.

I have to send nappies even silly things like a cup as he is only just 2 and still uses a beaker, i even have to pack calpol as ds has recurrent ear infections that can hit with no warning...surely he should be providing these simple things?

i end up packing half my house because im worried if it goes to court he will make me out to be a bad mum which is what he says i am if i forget something, i forgot calpol once and an infection hit ds on the sat morning he finally told me sun morning and i had to go over there with medicine despite there being a chemist a 2 minute walk from his house and he left ds in pain with a temp for over 24 hours.

so yes basically a long winded question of what do you send, where do you draw the line and say no YOU provide it? obviously i send clothes but i said he really could buy them a pair of pjs to keep there and keep my washing down as he just sends it all back filthy...and also with some of his gfs kids clothes which were mucky i dont even know how he managed it her kids are half the size of mine lol

lostdad Fri 12-Apr-13 11:43:29

There is no reason why he cannot provide them with everything they need while they are with him. Simple as that.

There are dads out there who complain about being treated as a `second class parent' by mums and this is a good way for them to act as an independent and responsible parent.

Be `reasonable' but don't play silly games. Send them in normal clothes appropriate for the time of year, extra ones if you want - but even then there is no reason whatsoever he cannot provide clothes while they are with him.

Speaking as father who is separated ex this is what I do. My son comes with to me with the clothes on his back and prescription medicine if he has it. Otherwise his home with me here has everything a kid would need - clothes, toys, personal effects, etc. As such he regards my place as much his home as his mothers'.

If your ex tries to use this sort of thing against you in court he'll be laughed out of the building.

keelyboo Fri 12-Apr-13 11:54:34

thank you, ive spoken to him again today and its got me nowhere basically if i dont send it they go without he knows i wont do that sad

betterthanever Fri 12-Apr-13 12:39:38

Well said lostdad feel so sorry for the dads like you who get the stick because of the ones who behave like the Op's.keely it is none negotiable - he provides for them when they are in his care, end of. If he lets them go without that could be neglect. But he as sounds unreasoble I would only say the first bit of that to him, he is an adult he should understand the later himself.

cestlavielife Fri 12-Apr-13 16:03:57

err no you only need send him in one set clothes and at is it.
dad should provide for him. the only thn being proved here is what a neglectful parent he is...

if he is returned to you with raging temperature and not been treated you take him straight to gp and report - and tell hv so hv can go have a word with him.

kinkyfuckery Fri 12-Apr-13 16:13:12

I used to send my DC with everything - nappies, clothes, toys, food, even money if they were going out.
Then, he dropped the maintenance (only slightly) to the very bare minimum that the CSA would take, so now they go with a spare change of clothes (on a sleepover night) and nothing else.

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly Fri 12-Apr-13 16:20:12

My sister was going to pack all but the kitchen sink for EOW when she separated and proper sleepover contact started earlier this year. (Fri evening to Monday morning, he was to collect from nursery and drop to school)

I suggested to her that she sort out all the clothes/toys/beakers she didn't like (!) and send them the first time to 'help' ex BiL stock up his new apartment for his DC's.

He now has everything he needs, she got to declutter & look like the bigger person, and all she needs to do on a Friday morning is send the kids to school with their coat, schoolbag and a packed lunch (nursery does afterschool care).

Obviously as the DC's grow out of clothing he will need to replace it, but as they have 50:50 care (at his insistence so that he doesn't have to pay maintenance...) that's his job, not hers.

Your ex sounds lilke more of an arsehole than my sister's ex though Keely, so if I were you I'd be logging everything, and would off pronto to the doctor if it looked like he were neglecting them. Hope it gets better for you and the DC's.

keelyboo Fri 12-Apr-13 16:47:29

Thanks everyone, hes staying at his girlfriends tonight and he was waiting at the door for them and i saw eldest dd with toothbrushes and toothpaste...which scrapes a whole new low even for him he "forgot" theirs!

I did speak to my hv after the refusal to buy medicine so far it hasnt happened again, hes poorly this week another infection and i made it clear he needs medicine and he said he has bought some.

i send old clothes pjs etc when i replace with new stuff but they outgrow and he never replaces them, i think the zero maintenance makes this more of an issue for me, but im only entitled to £5 a week even if i went to csa and wouldnt cover it regardless .

theyve gone now though and tbh im going to be counting the minutes but going to try and enjoy the weekend with my bf too

wish it didnt need to be so hard x

issypiggle Fri 12-Apr-13 16:52:44

my x doesn't pay maintenance so i refused to supply him anything other than a change of clothes, suitable clothes for that day. i used to supply everything till it was cost me a fortune, as i was losing nappies and wipes left right and centre, when dd was on formula he never gave me back have a tin.

keep strong and tell him straight that you will do it once more and then he will have to. if his gf has kids i'm surprised she hasn't said something to him

Pinkshaman Fri 12-Apr-13 18:15:21

I'm another who used to provide everything. I have even sent food, and I used to provide her lunch for school.

I thought it would show him that I was prepared to work with him to co-parent and that there was no animosity on my part. I realised though that I was just being a mug. He refused to pay maintenance and I found I was buying things that disappeared into the black hole at his

I also helped out his dd (not mine) by buying her clothes and a wet suit. I also took her on holiday with me. He agreed to go halves on the things dsd needed and then refused to give me any money. She lives with me now and he refuses to support her and says she's my responsibility.

On top of this he agreed to go halves on dd's birthday present. In fact I said just give me whatever you want towards it. I never saw a penny.

I decided enough was enough and now she goes in what she stands up in and I don't give it a second thought.

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