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Introducing the DC's to OW

(5 Posts)
overtheraenbow Mon 08-Apr-13 10:01:15

So to cut a long story short DH met OW last year abroad when on business ( funny business obv. though he claims only started relationship after I left in October they were obviously having some kind of EA prior to this at least) she lives 5000 miles away, they spent 2 weeks together ( 1 week new year 1 week March)
Now she is coming to spend summer here when her contract ends in april wants to introduce her to the children ( 8 and 14) 'in a few weeks' then ' she will stay elsewhere when the children are here for a time then later with her in his place.
Anyhow, AIBU to feel that he is rushing into introducing the DC's to someone he has essentially only spent 2 weeks with though may have been in relationship for a year with I guess? Do I have any say in the matter? Have spoken to DC's they say they don't want to meet her but he will think that's because I have made them say that.
I am thinking of sending an email expressing this opinion ( not that I think it will count for much)

keelyboo Mon 08-Apr-13 10:23:31

Its hard my ex introduced the kids after being with his gf 3 months great i thought, 2nd visit they stayed over ds 2 was distraught in a strange room alone and i got home a very sad and tired little boy. hes moving in soon and yes i think after 5 months and kids only seeing her 4 times its too soon but i cant stop him.

However hard it is thought i want them to be happy so i do encourage them to be happy to go shes got children so they do enjoy it but i bite my tongue a lot on how fast i think its going. Unfortunatly you dont have any say in if he lets them meet her or not, ive taken the stance of trying not to think too much about them being with her and just keeping an eye on that they are ok with how things are going (which they seem to be so far) and just try and make sure they are happy.

It is very hard though i feel for you

NotaDisneyMum Mon 08-Apr-13 13:09:59

rainbow I think you've set yourself up to be the bad guy by asking the DCs whether or not they want to meet their Dads girlfriend - because regardless of what they say, you can't influence it in any way. By asking them what they want to do, you've given them the impression that you can make it hapoen - your only way out is to either admit to them that you can't, or to paint their Dad as the bad guy because he won't do what you've told him to!

I never canvass my DDs opinion about something she will be doing with her Dad, because I have no say. If she volunteers her opinion about something, I will encourage her to talk to her Dad, but would never, ever intervene unless I believed she was at risk or in danger.

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 08-Apr-13 15:46:54

I agree you don't get any say in it. ExH had his first 'sleepover' with OW with DD there 3 days after he had left. When my DD talks to me about ExH and OW I am at pains to ensure I can not change what happens if she has a real problem with it she must talk to him. She has made up her own mind about OW and all I ever say is I can understand why she would feel like that so neither agreeing nor disagreeing with her. I have only intervened when I believed she was at risk (OW's daughter has been physically bullying her with bruises to show for it) and believe you me he came up with every reason under the sun for why those bruises could have occurred.
Remember that if you send an e-mail expressing an opinion it will colour your interactions with him for a considerable length of time.
In situations I always remember the saying "Give me wisdom to see the things I can change and strength to accept the things I can't".

Fleecyslippers Mon 08-Apr-13 16:53:56

Men who cheat on their families and women who sleep with married men with children aren't exactly renowned for taking other peoples concerns into consideration. The happy couple will view any attempt by you to convey your childrens concerns as malicious/spiteful/jealous/hostile etc etc so I honestly wouldn't bother sending an email from yourself but I would encourage your 14 year old to explain to her father that she has issues about meeting OW and encouraging her to have a discussion with him with a view to compromising on the time scale.
If he choses to ignore her feelings (which he inevitably will) then all you can do is support your kids through it. My ex and OW completely bullied my kids into meeting her and tried to force happy families to the point where they now despise her, won't have anything to do with her and their fathers baby and have even MORE issues with their relationship with him sad It's shit but I have learned that my opinion counts for nothing, that I will always be blamed for their shit relationship but most importantly, that as long as the kids have a stable base and home, and a mum who puts them before a new squeeze, then they WILL be okay. You will always be the only mum that they need and the best thing that you can do is smile and nod and don't let the pain show.

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