Feeling fed up - need a more positive outlook

[rickman]

It is 2 years since I left exp now and I've still got the same problems, nothing has changed.

I can't see the maintenance issue will ever be sorted, he will use every trick in the book to get out of paying the correct amount and there is nothing I can do. If I tell him I'm broke, he tells me I shouldn't have broadband, a mobile phone, a new sofa (he has my old one) etc. Basically, I should go without everything to ensure that the kids are ok. He won't pay extra because I might benefit.

I am stuck living in an area that I don't really like. The HA have said they won't consider transferring me and no one will rent to me privately.

I'm not in a position to work as chilcare arrangements for 4 children would be a nightmare, not to mention too expensive.

Contact arrangements re ds2 are still difficult. After the incident this week, I don't know what to do now. He has said he will take me to court, but this doesn't particularly bother me as he has as much access as he wants and always turns down extra opportunities.

His new girlfriends car is parked permanently outside his house. He only lives down the road from the school and I feel like I am having my nose rubbed in it, more so now he keeps making comments about how I should get on with my life.

I'm also worried that she will move in and sent her dd to the same school as my kids. I couldn't stand it.

I'm worrying that if anything goes wrong with my car, I'll never afford a new one. I'm worried about everything really.

Tell me things will change or give me some suggestions on how I can change things because I feel clueless at the moment. :(

[Dior]

Rickman...so sorry you're miserable. I don't have any wise words, but I'm sure someone will. Hugs xxx

[fairyfly]

You need to make a long term plan. Even if it takes years to sort out. It will give you some direction and hope. Then when you are feeling like folding you will know it wont always be like this. If i thought i would be surviving like this forever i would crack up. As it is i just tell myself to bide my time and we will all get there. It's so depressing making ends meet with money.

I don't like my flat but because i know i am here for the forseeable future i just make the best of it. It is my home.

Don't worry about the car outside the house, don't worry about her moving in. Yor focus should now be on yourself and what you will do with your life.
It's not easy to get out of a hole but if you fight for it, it's possible.

I think also you have enough to worry about without giving yourslef what ifs. Deal with things as they happen.

[singledadofthree]

hi rickman, sounds like a bit of fridayitis to me. have been a single parent for ages and now and then all the 'what ifs' and 'i hate my life because....' come along together. figured out a long time ago that the best way is just to get on with it and only ponder the important stuff, and then only when i have to. every now and then something will come along, out of the blue, and make me think 'wow,its not so bad after all'.it doesnt take away all the real life stuff that has to be done but its having that stuff that keeps us going at times. Being an sp has turned me into a 'do it all' by necessity, which isnt so bad - if you live up north i could always fix your car :o
stay cool, happy, and have fun - is what life's about.

[Nightynight]

oh goodness rickman, can so sympathise with this. Everything takes such a lot of time and effort when you are on your own with 4 children.

why will no--one rent to you privately? I also have 4 children, and I just lied about the number of children to get my flat, after Id been turned down for loads of flats. or is it a benefits issue?

Will things improve when your children get older?
Nothing ever stays the same for very long.

[Bugsy2]

Big hug to you rickman. I seem to spend a whole load of time worrying too. However, I am learning not to worry about the things I can't change. So, I would say don't spend anytime thinking about girlfriends car or her daughter - just not worth your energy.
I understand completely about the car issue, mine is falling apart. If you can get is serviced that is a good way to at least know that the engine is ok & not likely to pack up.
Sorry to hear that your ex is being an arse about paying up. If he starts having a go, just hold the phone away from your ear or tell him you are going to put the phone down. He has absolutely no right whatsoever to comment on your household furnishing or telephone/internet access. Keep on hounding the ba$tard for money - he deserves your endless persistance in this matter!!!

[rickman]

Thanks. I live in the south SD3, but if necessary I can send you my car on the back of a trailer. Actually my car is fine at the moment, so I probably am worrying unnecessarily.

Did you read my thread about what happened the other day? I didn't get a visit from the police, so I'm assuming he was just bluffing. I don't know what to do about access for ds2.

NN - no one will rent privately if you receive housing benefit around here. I guess looking after the kids will be easier when they're older (hopefully), and I will be in a better position to get a job and then rent privately.

Fairyfly - I do need a long term plan, just not sure what it should be really. I'm not particularly brilliant at anything and I'm not very ambitious.

Bugsy, I will keep hounding him for money, but I'm beginning to feel like giving up.

Dior :)

[fairyfly]

I'm not sure if bugging him for money is the answer, It's incredibly draining. I have been a lot happier sonce i broke off. I barely survive on what im getting but i'm in control of it and not spending my weeks fighting. I know where i stand. Also it doesn't change anything, it just takes up all your energy. For him to want to support them something has to click in his brain and we just cannot make that happen. Apart from using the csa i don't know what else you can do.

Never say you're not good at anything Rickman. You need to respect yourslef and find some self esteem. Once you have that back many more positive things start happening. You attract life changing people.

Would it be possible to start training for something so you are prepared for work when the time is right?

Advertise for a house swap, may just happen.
See what housing associations have to offer.
Don't give up on private rental, some nice person may just take it and we all get lucky breaks.

Remember that just as everything can go wrong it can also suddenly go the other way.

[singledadofthree]

Didn't read your other thread - give me a clue where to look.
Glad your car is ok tho, have just spent the last week rebuilding the engine in mine - and it started first time :)
As far as things getting easier as far as work/childminding goes, it certainly gets easier with time. My youngest was only 2 when i was dropped in it and it was a challenge to say the least. Confess the odd phone call to ex for help now and then .
Now things run pretty well and I'm working, part time at least.
At the beginning tho i really didnt think i could do it alone, honest, didnt think i could handle it, kids, responsibility, growing up rapidly, was scary. But it was a breeze..ish, wouldnt change a thing, but the future is still to come :o

[rickman]

\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=9&threadid=172123&stamp=060510190227\Here

FF I'm not allowed a transfer until I have lived here for 2 years, then I will have to go on the list and apply if anything becomes available. I'm pretty sure I'm with the only HA around here, I don't think there are any others.

You are probably right about the money, it is draining and incredibly frustrating. It just p1sses me off how unfair it all is.

I've been thinking for a while about what I could do when the kids are older and I haven't got a clue. In my previous life, I was a PA at an Agricultural Society so I know a bit about organising large events but not really sure what I can do anymore.

[rickman]

\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=9&threadid=172123&stamp=060510190227\Here } oops

[singledadofthree]

yeah, well the 'here' made it a bit easier - hold on a mo

[Bugsy2]

rickman, if you have been a PA then there should be lots of opportunities out there when you are ready. I have recruited lots of PAs and I never overlook Mums who have taken a break. As long as you keep your PC skills up to speed and maybe do a bit of practise with Powerpoint & Excel so you can be confident about those too - nothing much else about PA work has changed!

[singledadofthree]

read it all and thought - oops, sounds familiar. i'll take a risk that ex isnt a mner - although she is now also a single parent - altho nothing to do with me.
we had a rather turbulent break up - as you do - and altho at first there was little interest in seeing the kids, that changed when courts/solicitors made it clear where things were heading. there followed one or two such scenes with threats of police. altho laughably it was i who got the odd smack and her that called the police - one of whom did once turn up, i told him what happened - he shook his head, muttered something philosophical and wandered off - never to be seen again.
dont think i could embarass meself as to tell em i'd been hit by a screaming banshee tho, all the same, expect you'll keep your cool from now on.
by the way, have never asked ex for a penny and never will, even tho i am always skint, have never wasted my time on something so pointless.

[Caligula]

Pity you didn't knock him out. There's no way he'd call the police, he's probably deep down too ashamed of himself and so he bloody well should be.

I agree with FF re the money. Your ex is a deadbeat dad, he cares more about the fact that you might buy yourself a lipstick than about the fact that his kids are being raised in poverty and however infuriating and unjust that is, you have to try to come to terms with it, because being angry about it doesn't help you. I'm not saying stop chasing, but try and look at it as a little hobby you have rather than a realistic expectation of what will happen. (This is how I treat my regular CSA phone calls - I don't really expect to get anything, but figure I may as well make the phone calls.) If you cut him out of the equation and plan for life without his financial input, it will cause you less resentment and pain that you are having to do without his proper support of his children.

Re jobs, it sounds to me like you could re-enter the workplace as an events organiser. Also, have you thought about childminding? They're giving grants to lone parents to do this as there's such a shortage and you could do it while being available for your own children. Don't laugh but one of the things I've seen - incredibly - is children's party organisation - for them as want to keep up with the Jones' and I gasped at how much they charge.

Life will change and you will feel better about it, in the meantime plan what you're doing for the next few months. And the Alcoholics Anonymous serenity prayer is useful for all desperate situations, not just alcoholic ones "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"

Just a few random thoughts that sprang to mind, hope at least one of them is useful (probably the one about knocking him out!)

[rickman]

I've been thinking about what you've all said. I'm not sure I'm up to date enough to be able to do events management, when I last worked we didn't even have the internet! Agricultural Society's are generally running about 10 years behind everyone else.

I don't think I would be very good at childminding, I find it difficult enough coping with my own. Besides I live outside of our catchment area and I can't see it working very easily.

I lack motivation, I am too knackered to think much beyond what we're having for tea. I do need some goals though.

I think you are right about the money, I need to try and put it to the back of my mind and concentrate on managing on what I have got.

I can't stop worrying about his new girlfiend moving in though, the way things are going I can see it happening.

[mistressmiggins]

Hi Rickman

You can do it but you're right - you do need motivation.

Maybe what hurts you most is that your ex has moved on & even wants to play happy families when he couldnt be bothered to do it with you - that sucks doesnt it - its like a kick when you're down

its hard to get going at night when you've been at it all day and theres noone to give you a hug or say well done

its lonely and easy to slump in front of the TV.

I dont know what the answer is - wish I did.

however you're further on than me and people like you give me hope that things will get better

[rickman]

In an effort to do something, I am attempting to give up smoking again and missing out my glass of wine in the evening. I've still got this feeling of real self loathing and I can't seem to kick it at the moment.

I had a letter from exp's solicitor yesterday regarding the incident last week. He wants me to work out a time table for contact for ds2, working up to him staying overnight. The letter went onto say that exp wants the kids to meet his new partner. I'm sorry but I cannot see me handing over my baby to someone else, it is too hideous to consider.

I've just had the HV around about dd's appalling eating habits and general ill health and it ended up being a complete rant, with me blubbing and sniffing all over the place. She thinks I should consider seeing my Dr and telling her how I feel. She seemed to think thata short course of anti depressants might help me start getting myself back together. I've always tried to avoid making too big a deal of how I actually feel, because exp used to constantly tell me I was mad and had mental problems, i'd just be adding fuel to his fire.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

He wouldnt need to know about AD's rickman. Who will tell him? Only you would know.

Sorry you are feeling so down atm.

I agree with Caligula. Try and stop being angry about something that you cant change. Also try and let go of worries and thoughts surrounding what he is doing with his life now and with who. (I know its easier said than done).

[mistressmiggins]

I would take the ADS
Im on them and it does help
Like VV says you dont need to tell your ex and so what anyway? No-one would hold it against you.

think the wine & smoking is a start.

how old is your youngest?

mine is nearly 2yrs
it terrifies me to think that she'll be otherside of the country every other weekend without me, especially with some woman Ive never met and who didnt have enough concern for my children to tell my ex to buzz off so whats going to turn her into a caring person to help look after them?

[rickman]

I know that ex shouldn't know about the AD's Vicki, but part of me thinks that at some stage in the future, he will have someone trawling through my health records, trying to prove why I am a useless mother.

MrsM, I do feel a bit relieved that you seem to understand exactly how I am feeling. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. Other people seem to be able to move on and accept new partners and extended families, I just can't get my head around it all though. I feel a bit prehistoric really.

Ds2 is 19 months now, I'm still breast feeding him on demand though.

Feeling like caving in on the fags and wine.

[mistressmiggins]

you're not prehistoric - you're human

I think that people try to say what they think will help you - ie "the kids will be fine/adapt" etc cos they think that'll make you worry less

it hurts like hell at the thought of being without your kids and someone else playing happy families
my ex didnt give the children much attention when he was with us - I remembver looking at him and thinking it was him & us BUT I felt sad and tried to get him to interact with us
I know that when they eventually start going to his, they will be stuck in front of the TV all day

I guess it takes time doesnt it

its not a jealous thing in that I would feel differently if I had someone - Im sure it looks like that to other people reading this

its cos our little ones are little - I dont think anyone would like the thought of sending their baby/toddler away every other weekend - yes its with their dad, but also a woman who doesnt know them and wont care like we do AND for me so far away

[glitterfairy]

Hi everyone. I am in a similar boat my ex has contributed nothing since he left 8 months ago claiming poverty even though he is now with new partner and living in a three bedroomed barn conversion.

As for being angry I think it is perfectly justified and you should not try to fight it as that will only make it last longer. feel really really angry adn eventually it will go away.

My kids have refused to meet new partner at all and there is a court order now to say they dont have to! I am lucky they are a bit older. Still it has been very hard.

In the end time is the best healer and although things seem really hard now they do get better. Even the constant court appearances get easier and actually it all seems so much more bearable.

[mistressmiggins]

I wouldnt mind but ex has just got back from 2 week exotic holiday with HER and str away txts me to change his contact this weekend - not seen kids for 3 weeks and can only manage 4 hrs on Sat.

good job I hadnt got anything planned isnt it

he then turned round and threatened to stop our week away in a caravan by not swapping weekends as previously agreed
who is that hurting? the kids

agree with GF though - think we have a right to feel anger just so long as kids dont see it or suffer - I have never & wouldnt use them as blackmail or revenge but I still feel angry when I have to deal with all the day to day stuff/money/sickness etc while he swans around with HER and loads of money

[rickman]

GF and MM, I know it must be so much harder for you both. I left exp and he didn't hook up with anyone else straight away, I know I shouldn't really be making so much fuss. I just can't feel rational about it.

I can totally understand you not wanting your children to be so far away MM, it's wierd though, because I hate the fact that exp is just down the road in our old house. I have to drive past and see his new girlfriend's car parked outside and I hate it. I couldn't care less about him but it just feels like such a kick in the teeth.

[glitterfairy]

I so understand Rickman. My x has set up house with his new partner in the village where I had my kids and we had our first home. I was there tonight at a party and on the same road he now lives. However I know that people in the village support me and were my friends and still invite me to things and whilst it used to hurt like hell recently it has stopped hurting as much and I can say wiht hand on my heart that I am better off than I have ever been. He was abusive and controlling and I am now independent and confident without him.

Although I miss things about having a family in the proper sense of the word I can tell you it gets so much better.

As for changing contact I think many men are like this and my x is the biggest villain of all for this behaviour. There comes a point where you have to put your foot down and assert yourself. Either he has the kids or he doesnt and he needs to know that he cant mess you around.