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[vikingmaid]

Long story...but SBXH have a breakdown last year and drinking heavily...OW (briefly) now in small flat, no car, money etc

May have BPD? Off work sick. seemed to be wanted to connect back with family and since leaving had a few self harm/ suicide (all drinking) related attemps.

Obviously wary about kids staying over, all though never shown any problems until after xmas when he text for me to pick them up as he had started drinking.

Since then he has spent nearly every weekend with us, going home during the week. cake and eat it comes to mind. Lots of hints about missing us etc. I realised I have been drawn in AGAIN!

So what to do now? Stop the visits and leave him to sort himself out, I dont think he even realises that he says only because I'm not letting him have the kids alone.

Obviously I (stupidly) wanted to get back on track as he was going to counselling etc. But its doing my head in keeping kids happy and him safe! No family within 200 miles. us us. Thanks for reading. Any advice welcome!

[NumTumMum]

Hi, I'm not sure if I have the facts of this straight - can you confirm by BPD you mean bi polar disorder? And does SBXH mean sexually abusive ex husband? I don't want to comment and get that wrong - obviously it will affect what I would say.

Purely on the basis that he has been self harming and drinking I would agree that you must not leave the children in his care. He could very easily cause them harm by neglect or by them witnessing him self harming or drinking. His judgement at the very least is impaired at the moment and so you cannot leave the children unsupervised.

Depending on what you clarify is the situation between yourself and him, in terms of the abuse (possible abuse if I've read your post right) then you should not be in a position where this could occur again. You seem to feel responsible for his welfare and whilst that is very laudible, it is not very healthy for you. He is an adult and he has to take responsibility for his own behaviour and condition. You say that he has been undertaking counselling and that is a step in the right direction but you have yet to see any real changes and whilst you are enabling him to practically live with you and the children, he has no real incentive to change.

Although very difficult, I think you really need to speak to him about this and explain why you have been allowing him to the house. (Unless of course this is going to put you in danger of any kind.) If you could confirm the abuse point I could comment further, particularly as you seem to be saying that there may be a reconcilliation.

[vikingmaid]

Thank you for the wise words. BPD..borderline personality disorder..we have been together 20 years and things just esculated last year. Lots of Stress(money, work). Emotional abuse towards the end. He imploded and although he has responsibility for his behaviour I have viewed it at a mental health issue that he seems to be getting hold of. Yes I still love him and in the right circumstances would consider a reconciliation. But I'm not a total mug! Just realised that he really hadden seen my reasoning for keeping the kids seeing him at the family home...I think I also believed he was enjoying coming too. (he is/was..but probably for different reasons hmm).