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Does anyone ever feel it's just all a bit unfair??!!

(37 Posts)
makemineamalibuandpineapple Sun 31-Mar-13 19:08:06

How the partner that leaves just often leaves without a backwards glance assuming that the partner that stays will pick up the pieces and be the responsible one? I mean, what if the partner left behind just thought, "oh bugger this, I'm off too". Then where would the poor children be?

It's just the irresponsibility of it and the assumption that someone else will do it. To be honest, this even applies to men/women who pay maintenance because in my opinion they have the easy job. They just pay the money and don't have to deal with the day to day slog.

In many cases, mine included, there isn't even any maintenance to be had. I am just expected to support our child single handedly. My ex-husband however, now plays daddy to 3 kids who are not his own (he also has another bio daughter who he has left in similar circumstances to us).

Anyway, RANT OVER grin If anyone else fancies a rant then feel free!!

McPheetStink Sun 31-Mar-13 19:11:56

Just to say I agree, and I too receive the sum total of nothing.

Karma wink

Lobo Sun 31-Mar-13 19:24:45

I also feel like a RANT however I feel like you have covered what I would say rather well. I do get maintenance usually but it hasn't arrived yet this month.... I wonder if this is the start of having to chase him for this as well as everything else!!

I also believe in Karma wine

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 31-Mar-13 19:28:37

I so totally agree! ex text me an hour before our prearranged pick up time yesterday, to say he'd be 3 hours shock apparently he had to go into work (I didn't think you could be made to go in outside of your contracted hours)
Obviously any plans I'd made aren't important enough I'm just expected to cancel them.

Also don't get any maintenance, apparently he can't afford it, despite the fact that him and his gf just had a private baby scan done confused

McPheetStink Sun 31-Mar-13 19:33:51

CSA him

I wasn't going to use them, and now I am smile

makemineamalibuandpineapple Sun 31-Mar-13 19:34:26

My ex text yesterday at about 5 to ask if he could call on his gf's phone. He normally phones today but his phone is broken so asked if he could phone then. Apparently today is no good as she will be at work. Anyway, I text back and said, OK call now. That wasn't convenient as doing her kids dinner so would call later. 7.30pm comes and he phones. We are in the car so I say, can you call back in 30 mins. Guess what? He doesn't. Makes me mad as it's all on his terms. Now I have an upset and disappointed boy.

Mybabysmellsofbiscuits Sun 31-Mar-13 19:41:23

Exactly what I needed to read today, really pleased it's not just me feeling like this! My ex actually does have our DD quite a lot (every other weekend and one weeknight) so I can't complain about access. But my LO has spent the whole day telling me 'you're rubbish mummy, daddy is the best'... ouch. She's only 2 and a half but still painful to hear...repeatedly! He get's all the nice fun time with her, picks her up and plays with her for a weekend every couple of weeks and I am the one who has to doing all of the dealing with toddler tantrums, middle of the night wake up calls on a work night, and generally trying to apply any kind of discipline. It sucks that he will always look like the nice guy in all of this...even though I left and found out later he was cheating on me with his friends wife... Really no justice in parenting!

Wishing you the best of luck with him, does seem like you need to really lay some boundaries down so he knows what is and isn't acceptable. If you haven't been clear about that he'll always walk all over you x

colditz Sun 31-Mar-13 19:45:48

I told my ex that if he didn't pay maintenance for my sons, I'd put posters of his face upside his workplace saying "Works full time, does not pay for the two children he claims to love"

AfricanExport Sun 31-Mar-13 19:48:53

Colditz. That's brilliant. I think all delinquent parents should be named and shamed.

IndiansInTheLobby Sun 31-Mar-13 19:55:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fleecyslippers Sun 31-Mar-13 20:41:25

Please refer to my 'Knobhead' thread from last week grin

Seriously though yes. It stinks. It's relentless and I just wish Ex and OW would F* off to the far side of f* . They don't pay for the kids, yet expect front row seats at the school play - says it all really wink

mumandboys123 Sun 31-Mar-13 20:47:22

I'm sorry makemine, but if your ex had a history of this behaviour, why on earth did you think he would treat you and the children you had together any differently?

what actions did you take within your relationship to try and make him appropriately support the child he had previously left? did you stand by whilst he paid no maintenance?

I am sorry this has happened to you and your children as well. It throws up some interesting questions regarding how we choose partners, what we value and making sure that things 'add up' in new relationships. I have personally stopped dating at least two men now when it became clear to me that their stories regarding their exs, their children, and their attitudes to maintenance didn't quite add up. But I'm wise now! It's a lesson to all of us to ask questions, more questions and more questions in our new relationships!

colditz Sun 31-Mar-13 20:51:00

It is not a new partners responsibility to make the stbex pay maintenance, its is his own responsibility to pay it. I don't blame my ex's new gf for the things he fails to do, I blame myself for having a baby with such. Fucking loser, and I blame him for being one .... But believe me when I say he not the worst non res parent out there, not by far!

normaleggy Sun 31-Mar-13 20:59:34

My ex is the other way round, he pays some (not as much as he could) money into my account every month but has turned his back on his dc (5 & 3) and refuses to have anything to do with them, hasn't for just over a year. Whilst it is nice not having to deal with the horrible cunt myself, I feel so sad for dc. Dd occasionally asks when daddy is coming home and it breaks my heart to think they will grow up without a dad and possibly feel rejected.

Mumfortoddler Sun 31-Mar-13 21:03:19

If only there was a site where you could bitch about ex's bad behaviour, that way we could give each other heads ups! I am now trying internet dating again and lots of single dads, suspect of any that don't have contact, but would love the lowdown.

Sommink Sun 31-Mar-13 21:12:40

My ex couldn't take any time off over easter so that I could work because he needs his holiday days for his two week birthday celebration he has every year even though I'm a casual worker so I now wont get any pay for 2 weeks.

He also has no money to help pay for any of her extra curricular activities clothes etc etc even though he lives rent free in the house I own and he is refusing to sell.

He has never taken any time off when she's been ill or when she was admitted to hospital after a bad head bump.

All I think is my dd is bright and happy and thats down to me, and as she grows she will see what i do and have done for her and what her daddy choose's not to do.

ozzywiz Sun 31-Mar-13 21:47:20

As a single dad to 5 kids I can totally agree and understand what your saying, I have full residence of our 5 children (4 girls and one boy) and been on my own for 3 years. . and the above comment that If we just decided not too bother then who would. Contact is going well now so this is a good thing.

makemineamalibuandpineapple Mon 01-Apr-13 09:10:14

mumandboys he had the bio daughter after he left us. I don't see how you can change anyone's behaviour anyway.

comingintomyown Mon 01-Apr-13 12:57:27

I totally agree

My two DC are teens and the youngest is having some serious issues which I am trying my best to help her with but its going to be a long road and one I am now, 3 years on, getting fed up of trudging down alone.

XH pays maintenance and is solid contact wise but it doesnt alter the fact that 11 days out of 14 he is free as a bird and blissfully unaware of all the drama with DD.

Whilst he is good on some fronts when it comes to the emotional side of things he is unable to deal with anything without it being through the filter of it not being his fault he left etc . He cant see beyond that issue so all DDs stuff about not wanting to go to him, poor behaviour at school etc he puts under the heading of difficult teenager rather than man up and accept some responsibility and make changes to his own behaviour. After trying to gently talk to him about her loads of times I have given up as it just leaves me more pissed off rather than feeling hes supporting me.

Not only have I been left to deal with my own fallout from him leaving OW etc but I have to deal with the DCs too which is what I find infuriating.

Still on the plus side I am much happier now so thats something.

duffybeatmetoit Tue 02-Apr-13 00:55:02

Yes it is unfair. He does buggerall in the way of parenting but takes all the credit. Misses a third of payments. Alters his contact to fit in with OW's plans and wouldn't make much effort at all if it wasn't for MILs fear of losing contact.

This weekend was typical with me playing games, organising egg hunts etc and him away on holiday with the OW. The only consolation was dd ringing him very early one morning and ringing a second time whilst they were clearly mid-shag. Below me perhaps but it was entertaining.

... but dd misses him and loves him very much so I spend loads of time trying to pick her up sad. One day she will see him for what he is and that really saddens me that she has that pain to come.

Mofo2610 Sun 07-Apr-13 18:49:15

When i split from my EX i felt exactly the same! I had to bear all the responsibility of raising our 2 sons, working PT and keeping my self from having a breakdown & blaming myself for the failings in our relationship (which i know were most definitely not mine). He claimed poverty and i always said that i didnt want his £££ just for him to be an active parent. Almost a year after we split he managed to have enough cash to "find himself" in Ibiza (this only lasted a few months) but i will always resent him for disappearing to a party Island rather than manning the fuck up & being a responsibly adult (like that'll ever happen!)

ozzywiz Sun 07-Apr-13 23:51:04

You know its crazy, cause im a guy and can understand exactly what you are all saying. my ex puts everything before her kids.

Pinkshaman Mon 08-Apr-13 13:07:31

I've had moments of it. I'm supporting both his dd's (one not mine) without any any financial help from him. He won't have dd during school holidays, and doesn't have to worry about what to do if she is ill and he needs to work to pay the bills like I do or how she is doing at school/homework etc.

He's refused to help out when I've needed to be in two places at once for dsd and dd and he's never bought either of them a Christmas or birthday present until he got a gf and she started doing it. He was happy to come here and have the celebrations with us and eat my food though!

The thing is he doesn't look happy, he just gets more and more grumpy and snarly about stuff - whereas I'm really happy and I'm proud that dd and who she is and her achievements are (other than her own effort) down to me.

lostdad Mon 08-Apr-13 16:37:56

Mums, dads, good, bad. There's good and bad in all.

In my case my son was abducted by his mum without warning while I was at work. The intervening years ruined my health (permanently), my finances (I lose my house and my business) and it took 5 years in court for him to be able to see me to a meaningful level.

I was left with a mountain of debt (the best being a hidden red letter from HMRC) and our house emptied while I continued to work (after refusing to be signed off with depression because I couldn't afford to be ill) because I was naive enough not to change the locks and thought my ex wouldn't stop so low.

I would have given her everything if she'd left our son with me. As it was she took the one thing I couldn't bear to lose.

Yes - it's shit. Being saddled with a nasty ex is the worst thing: You are chained to a loony until your kids are adults...quite possibly longer.

ozzywiz Mon 08-Apr-13 18:19:35

Well at least you care Lostdad, but there are a lot of seperated parents our there that clearly based on their own actions that do not.

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