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Do you ever wonder how a parent can deny the existence of their own child?

(37 Posts)
lottieandmia Thu 28-Mar-13 11:27:12

And walk away from them totally, never wondering how they are, where they are or even what they look like?

I think it's really hard to understand how anyone could happily do this. My youngest daughter has never met her father. He ran off when I was pregnant and refused to even talk to me about her. He denies that she's his to his family and anyone else. Strangely his family do believe that she's his and contact me now and then to see how she is.

When dd was a baby I thought, naively perhaps, that it would be ok that she won't ever know her real dad. But now she's nearly 4 she's started saying things like 'I want to have a dad' and I feel bad because I made the choice to have a relationship with him in the first place iyswim. I hope she doesn't try to look for him when she grows up as I fear she'll be disappointed with what she finds.

MrsTomHardy Sun 31-Mar-13 16:44:03

My eldest Ds's dad walked away from them 10 years ago, they were about 4 and 6 at the time. He hasn't seen them since!

He poked ds2 on Facebook a couple of years ago so I sent a short sharp MSG telling him to fuck off! Then we all blocked him!
And I did go to Csa, thank god just before he disappeared although he pays a pittance!

Snowme Fri 05-Apr-13 01:54:31

I left the children's father when our newborn was just 4 weeks old. He's spent a total of around 4 weeks probably with his father since he was born.

My eldest child however has a bond with her father. Although neither have heard or seen him for over a year now.

I'd like to think he has cut all contact with them because he's hurting so much that he can't see them regularly (he lives 200 miles away) so it's easier to deal with that hurt if he just abandons them emotionally altogether.

I'd like to think that ...

But in reality, he isn't a compassionate man, he is mostly unemotional anyway, he never wanted children (with me, at least), I 'ruined his life' by having them. It was a quite intense DV relationship. So my answer at least, would be that I think he denies their existence because he just simply doesn't care about them. They are dead to him. He ought as well to be dead to them. Yet the courts still think children benefit from a relationship with their father regardless that the father wants no relationship with them.

fergoose Fri 05-Apr-13 10:22:19

My ex was a doting father for 14 years - then he just walked, and apart from a few days last autumn refuses to see his own daughter, it has been 15 months now. Daughter is heartbroken, I have tried contacting him begging him to at least speak to her - all is ignored. I am terrified what the long term effects will be for my daughter, not to mention how the heck she is going to get through her GCSEs this year. She quite wrongly blames herself. And meanwhile his lovely new girlfriend has started an online hate campaign against me accusing me of child abuse because I am 'stopping' my daughter seeing her father apparently - you couldn't make it up could you.

I cannot comprehend how any parent could ignore their child - I wouldn't be able to breathe, let alone function, if I didn't have my daughter in my life. Maybe bit melodramatic, but you know. Every instinct as a parent is to love & protect isn't it?

HerrenaHarridan Fri 05-Apr-13 11:01:02

Yes fergoose I totally agree.

I stopped allowing ex to visit baby after he smashed my window, emotional abuse is one thing, smashing up my house is another.

He has bail conditions not to approach me so I cannot supervise contact and he cannot be trusted to have unsupervised contact (having 3 times endangered dds life and being a heavy pot smoker)

I contacted family mediation (the day after smashed window) and passed on details to him via family. They contacted him, no response. He spent weeks trying to intimidate and manipulate me (through my mum shock) and after 13 weeks finally contacted family mediation. He then tried to guilt me into arranging contact for her 1st birthday as he had left it too late for Fmc to organise in time.

I didn't and my justification was
If I was in his position I would have been standing outside the office of Fmc when they opened and would have done literally anything to get back to her.

He had since had 5 sessions of contact (2hrs once a week) been twenty mins late for 2 and ended on 15 mins early.


HerrenaHarridan Fri 05-Apr-13 11:02:08

Gosh sorry for the essay it's all a bit raw for me at the moment. sad

fergoose Fri 05-Apr-13 11:39:24

herrena - that is awful sad

Not surprised it is still raw. He doesn't deserve to be a parent if that is how he behaves.

lottieandmia Fri 05-Apr-13 11:39:28

fergoose - words fail me I can't imagine how anyone could be so cruel - your poor dd. Herrena, my dd's 'father' is also a heavy pot smoker and was also violent towards me and was always getting into fights. I look back and just can't understand why I wanted to be with him, but then I was unwell at the time.

fergoose Fri 05-Apr-13 11:46:22

Words fail me every day too! I keep thinking he has had a breakdown - but quite frankly that isn't a good enough excuse. As for the hatred I have had from his OW who he met online on a very dodgy site, well I can't even begin to tell you.

Initially when he left my daughter didn't want to see him as she was so disgusted with his behaviour, but instead of making the effort to keep contact going he just gave up and vanished.

He told me himself the ow is a nightmare, he sobbed about what he has done, grass isn't greener, how he was so sorry - and then he vanished again, and nothing since. I even 'spoke' to the ow and told her, begged her actually, to get him to contact his daughter - and still radio silence from him. And still the charmer of an ow continues to accuse me of abusing my own daughter. You couldn't make it up could you?

I really, really wish my own life was not like a very poor EastEnders script - it wasn't meant to be like this sad

lottieandmia Fri 05-Apr-13 11:53:00

It does sound as if he's had a breakdown but as you say that is no excuse. For a parent to knowingly cause pain to their child is totally indefensible.

fergoose Fri 05-Apr-13 12:04:13

Oh I know - and sadly my daughter is not alone. I just can't comprehend why anyone willfully would ever want to cause anyone any upset - it just doesn't compute does it.

I have more than enough love of 2 parents for my daughter - his loss. And everyone who struggles on their own, I find me and my daughter are very close - I am way over protective I admit, I had the smashed windows and threats too when she was tiny so I totally understand that fear. But for all the struggle and loneliness & being skint etc, it has been worth every single minute. Being a parent is an utter privilege I reckon - and I am very proud of her and so very grateful for her. Sod him.

StateofConfusion Fri 05-Apr-13 12:23:44

i often wonder especially now im a mum, my dad left me at 10 weeks and ignored ny existence in favour of his older children from a previous relationship and the younger ones he had whilst cheating on my mum. But know what it is his loss i am happy and pretty normal my mum did just great on her own, so dont worry one brilliant mum is more than enough xsmile

differentnameforthis Fri 05-Apr-13 12:36:18

Slightly different, but my mum turned her back on me after an argument shortly after I left home. I was 18. 20 years later, all those years with no contact. She even walked past me on the street days before I emigrated (yes, she knew I was doing so) as if she didn't know me.

But she never really wanted me, so I guess she mentally walked away shortly after my birth.

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