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Sporadic contact or no contact?

(7 Posts)
arabellafigg Wed 27-Mar-13 15:51:28

I'll try keep this brief! Ex left me when pregnant with DD now five. He quickly moved on to another relationship, forced a DNA test, pays no way near what he should pay through the CSA and we have a non-legal 'agreement' that he see's DD one day every other month (his choice not mine), sends cards, presents on bdays and xmas (yes, this had to be included in the agreement else he would 'forget') and that when he comes to visit his family, he will make extra effort to see DD and include her in family events and he is supposed to phone her every week or so.

Basically, for five years he has treated DD like a huge inconvenience to his new life. He fits her in when it suits him, makes no effort to call, stay in touch etc. He is only 'sorry' when he is caught out or I threaten CSA. I'm fed up of all the emotional drama.

DD did not want to go with him at Christmas, and like a fool I made her go. He had her for the allotted 6 hours, said he was returning home that day. Stayed in the area another four days, attended family gatherings excluding DD. I told him that his behavior was unacceptable. Since then, he has made no contact with DD or myself. DD is not bothered, does not want to see him and when I asked if she wanted to call him she said "no, he is too busy to speak with me and i'm too busy doing other things" . I feel that this sporadic contact is doing her damage and perhaps no contact would be better in the long run? He has always said if i go to the CSA to get what DD is entitled to he will make my life difficult, stop contact and tell the rest of his family to do the same. I get £150 a month maintenance and I hazard a guess he earns at lest 30k.

I just wondered if anyone has had a similar situation and if sporadic contact will in the long term make things more difficult for DD?


anqet Wed 27-Mar-13 16:51:55

Threatening to stop contact with his own child because you would want to make sure she gets what she is legally entitled to? He sees her one day every other month, that's not a dad...

If I were you I would contact CSA and file a claim (of course there is a risk if he's self-employed). He has parental responsibilities he is evading. I wouldn't stop/prevent contact if the child is content with it.

arabellafigg Wed 27-Mar-13 17:02:24

He isn't self employed. DD isn't content, as far as she is concerned my partner is her dad by her own choice. After her last contact with her biological father she said "I don't want to see x anymore because y is my dad now". When I tried to explain to her that x would always be her biological father her response was "he isn't here, he doesn't do dad things with me all the time and he doesn't love me". I have never badmouthed her real father in front of her and I have always encouraged him to maintain contact and never stopped it. I half half a feeling that he has missed the last contact and is late on his current contact because he himself feels that if someone else is doing the dad stuff, then he is off the hook - this came from his own mother.

HerrenaHarridan Wed 27-Mar-13 17:32:17

He has made his bed.

I don't know what to say re finance but I don't think you should make her go again.

He either needs to start making an effort or he's going to lose her

Made me sad when you said she doesn't think he loves her

HerrenaHarridan Wed 27-Mar-13 17:34:00

Oh in answer to your question sporadic contact is better than no contact if the both want it but if dd states she does not, listen smile

arabellafigg Wed 27-Mar-13 17:38:56

Thanks Herrena, I know I actually cried sad but unfortunately, that's what a child is going to think about a dad who isn't around and doesn't do anything for her sad

Mumfortoddler Thu 28-Mar-13 22:07:56

Oh you poor thing arabellafigg. I had a useless dad when I was growing up and my parents divorced when I was six. My dad got access every other weekend, but to be frank, reflecting back now as an adult the only good thing about the access is that I came to understand that my father is a feckless loser. I guess in the long run, it helps children to understand their families, but all the hurt my father has caused over the years through never really loving and caring the way a father should in the end was very damaging. There is no right or wrong answer, but go with what your child wants.

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