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Coping with new partners?

(23 Posts)
keelyboo Sun 24-Mar-13 16:02:02

Me and my EXP have been apart 2 years now, our children are 9,7 and 2.

I have a new boyfriend hes met the children all going well. EX has a new girlfriend children have met her 3 times, last night they stayed over though on the 4th visit and i swung between cross he didnt tell me (i thought they were at his though i realise as long as he is with them it matters not what house they sleep in) and that its very early on, to well i guess jealous!

jealous of her being with my children when i cant be, i miss them terribly when they are with their dad and i felt so upset when he told me they were all there...irrational really?

How do you cope with it, he has no issues with my boyfriend being here when he cant but like i say i struggle when they are away anyway because i miss them, where as he can go a week sometimes two without seeing them and he doesnt even text to see how they are he says thats because he knows they are fine as they are with me, and takes me missing them and worrying they are ok as an insult when its not, i just find it hard them being away x

VBisme Sun 24-Mar-13 16:06:10

Don't think that just because he doesn't mention it to you that your ex does not feel as deeply as you do about the kids.

I'm sure he hates being apart from them, and is devastated that another man is in their lives.

That's certainly the reaction of all my divorced dad friends, very few would mention it to their ex, what good would it do?

keelyboo Sun 24-Mar-13 16:09:55

Oh no i know he loves them just as much as i do, hes a brilliant father it just comes across as he copes easier, but thats true he might not

does it get easier though them being with someone every other weekend that you dont know? x

DaydreamDolly Sun 24-Mar-13 16:19:02

My ex left me out of the blue for another woman. He introduced the children to her 2 months later. Now the kids go and stay with them in their flat. It's really hard. The way I cope is to just block any thoughts of her with them out of my head. I'm getting better at doing that and pretending she doesn't exist! It has got easier.

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 24-Mar-13 17:09:00

My ExH left on the Friday had first sleepover with OW and DD there on the Wednesday and DD stayed at OW's for the first time on the Thursday. So I get everything you are feeling all I can say is stay calm and keep busy. Still 9 months later it upsets me, but I never ever let DD know.

arabellafigg Wed 27-Mar-13 15:59:55

Ex left me for someone else. I now have to hand over DD to him and her when he turns up (luckily not too often) and it does get easier with time. I don't think i'll ever like the woman (she knew I was pg) but she does seem to care for DD. It took me a long time to accept that I was the mum and she was the replaceable!

aliciaflorrick Sat 30-Mar-13 18:01:23

My ex left for OW, he had only seen the DCs three times since he left and on the fourth time he had them for a week, told me they were staying at his place and then took them straight to the OWs house where they stayed for the whole week. I was upset but didn't make a fuss. However, since they've returned home life with the DCs has been different. Ex and OW have done me a massive favour, I work from home full time, run around after the DCs, trying to renovate the house because Ex left me in an unrenovated hell hole. DCs came home from being with him and her, and kept asking me questions like, when do you sit down mum? When do you watch TV? We love that you cook us nice food. Turns out that EX and OW just sit on the sofa all day watching TV, they even said we always know where to find dad and xxx, they just watch telly all the time, they never even cooked a meal the whole week even taking them to Maccy D's and Frankie and Benny's for breakfast. DCs are aged 10 and 8.

It made me realise that I'm mum and can't be replaced, and even if Ex's and their girlfriends shower DCs in sweets, sugar, late nights and fast food (pretty much all the stuff I limit) mum is the one who is always there making life pretty great the majority of the time.

ComeOnBeANoOne Wed 03-Apr-13 23:10:46

My wife left me just a few weeks ago and tbh that's one of my main worries for the future now. It's unrealistic to think that she won't meet somebody else one day, and me also, and I really can't bear thinking about someone else being involved in the raising of my DD (she's 2 atm, so plenty of growing up still to do).

At the moment I'd quite like it if we could say that we'll never live with anyone until she's a grumpy teen who won't listen to anybody elses advice anyway! So I can certainly see where everyone on this thread is coming from and in a way I'm glad that it's completely normal for me to worry about these things and that I'm not just being irrational and jealous.

Foxy800 Thu 04-Apr-13 08:16:46

DD came home from Daddy's yesterday after being there for the day to tell me Daddy had a new friend and she wanted to know when she could meet dd.
So looks like next chapter has started here but funnily enough the name she used was the same name of the girl who i was told he was seeing before he ended the relationship. He showed dd photos on the computer of her and her son.

So now to just get on with it I guess.

Foxy800 Thu 11-Apr-13 19:56:23

Well the time has come, he has text me tonight saying he has been seeing someone for a few months now and wants dd to meet her.

So the time to deal with this has come.

keelyboo Thu 11-Apr-13 20:36:22

good luck foxy i hope it goes ok, its so hard i do worry that she will replace me which i know is stupid but well we cant be rational all the time!

im their mum and no one can replace me but i hate saying good bye to them they go tomorrow for the weekend and im dreading it i spend the day in a whirldwind of emotions and feeling sick, but they have a good time he looks after them fairly well doesnt follow my rules which is hard but think they are slowly learning that just because hes a soft touch it wont work on me so things are settling down in that respect

ive made lots of plans for the weekends they arent here nights away at hotels with my bf (making the most of being able to afford it living apart wont happen if we move intogether lol) doing lots of decluttering that i cant do when they are here bf even booked and paid for a massage for me , doesnt meanim not missing them but it does seem to help a little and i do try now to not think too much about what they are doing when they arent here

Foxy800 Thu 11-Apr-13 20:44:55

I think it is hard because he can go up to two weeks without seeing her. He wont put definate contact in place due to his job and he hasnt had her overnight once yet all of a sudden he is finally ready to introduce her to his girlfriiend who he denied when he ended our relationship in september but who I know he was with. I dont have a bf to help fill my time but will be using the time to do my uni work and going out as I dont go out, mind you I dont think he will be askign for overnights yet although I could be wrong.

Hope things continue to go well for you.

keelyboo Thu 11-Apr-13 21:25:05

ah see my ex has regular every other weekend contact the wed for tea is shakey grounds he lets them down a lot on that one.

its so difficult, i know im jealous because i want their every second spesh the girls as they are at school i dont get much quality time wiht them but well its the way it has to be so i just pray it keeps getting easier x

Foxy800 Thu 11-Apr-13 21:39:27

Im for ever saying about regular contact but he says he cant due to work.

Will just have to wait and see how things pan out, good luck to you too.xx

keelyboo Thu 11-Apr-13 21:59:35

its a shame isnt it when they wont commit, its took a long time for me and ex to get to a suitable regular contact, i still dont think he sees them enough but well my friend always says you cant force them to be the father you think they should be and shes right as even though id miss them even more i still feel sad hes not interested in more access and worse still they rarely ask for him between the visits x

Mimishimi Fri 12-Apr-13 08:17:42

I would probably be very naughty and send the children, all at once, over to their place as often as possible, especially if he left for a glamorous child-free vixen grin. She'd probably be hightailing it out of there ASAP.

Foxy800 Fri 12-Apr-13 08:33:59

She is a woman with a child a couple of yrs older than dd so dont think that would work but great idea if she didnt.

Will be interesting to see if he suddenly wants more contact now, although have been telling him to see her more since september.

keelyboo Fri 12-Apr-13 09:46:50

lol mimi, my exs new gf has 4 (albeit one is technically an adult but lives there with her bf) thing is ex doesnt contribute to her household at all in the same way he doesnt to our children im wondering how long before she gets sick of paying to feed three extra children when moneys not great as it is!

Foxy800 Fri 12-Apr-13 16:58:29

That is very similar to me keelyboo. He gives me very little maintence every month and is always complaining he has no money, cant manage his money etc, is living with his dad and stepmum having been kicked out of where he was living due to paying rent on time, so if he does move in with her i cant see him contributing much if at all so will be interesting to see how long it lasts.

Oh well, on wards and upwards, I will be getting on with my life and as long as dd is happy that is all I care about.x

keelyboo Fri 12-Apr-13 18:11:24

its definatly the best attitude to have foxy, im not saying its easy but i make the most of every second the children are with me miss them like mad when they arent but get on with my life in the process i just had a lovely hot bath and painted my toenails without a rubber duck in sight or demands to pain toenails smaller than your average pin head lol there are some "perks" and our children are happy as rubbish as he is they are still young enough to hero worship him and i make damn sure they are happy here so in general its all good, i try not to think of the exs gf at all but thats just my own stupid jealousy cos i miss them lol x

Foxy800 Fri 12-Apr-13 19:02:35

Sounds to me like you have the perfect attitude and one I need to try to follow. If he does decide he wants her more then i will be making the most of the time cause at the moment I dont really go out so will be doing that etc.

DD is 7 and keeps telling me she wants to live with me forever so hope that means she is happy with me.LOLx

keelyboo Sat 13-Apr-13 12:24:19

Oh trust me its took some time lol and actually this weekend is the first weekend they will spend the whole time with him and his gf, i found the lead up hard but actually its been ok hes text as promised to let me know they are ok which helps me smile

Foxy800 Sat 13-Apr-13 18:18:04

Thats good, glad it is going well.xx

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