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Is anyone her a completely LONE parent? no ex, no family support, notheing at all? just you and DC?

(35 Posts)
marjproops Sat 16-Mar-13 18:35:00

Every lone or single parent seem to have SOMEONE around. (ex-partner/parent/aunty/sis or bro/friend) .Its literally just me and DC here.

i get scared if anything happens to me DC has NO ONE at all in the world for her.

friends dont want to commit as DC has such complex disabilities, (I understand) and we have no family or anyone else. DC would have to go into a home if i died.

seriously. us against the world.

anyone else? how do you cope?
what do you do?

how do you manage with NO respite EVER? (not that i mind, im devoted to DC and she needs 24 hour care) but how does anyone esle manage?

when you are ill or whatever?

BlogOnTheTyne Sat 15-Jun-13 20:02:35

Yes. I was actually wishing the other day that I was a man! when being patronised and exploited by some workmen I had in for house repairs. I pride myself on being a strong, independent woman but in the face of a gang of builders putting you down, it's hard to remain tough! Same with horrible neighbours.

I've noticed that being a single woman, as opposed to being one of a couple or even, say, with a mum or friend in tow - I get treated in a particular way. I don't think a single man would be treated the same.

If I stick up for myself, it's considered rude or stroppy in a woman whereas in a man, it'd just be interpreted as giving a subtle 'warning' to back off. If I 'play the game' of smiling, appeasing little woman', it sometimes helps (yuk!) but I absolutely HATE doing this and it can also backfired, as you get even more patronised.

I need a nice male friend - platonic - who I can call on at times like this to give me the backing I need. But I really hate the fact that I think I need this and hate that society still seems to look down on a single woman in a way that it doesn't on a single man.

marjproops Sat 15-Jun-13 20:17:43

oh for goodness sake blog have I namechanged as you?!?grin.


any male friends I DO have are all married and 1-theyve got their own families and wont take out time to help me and DC, (same with other mums)
and 2- you become the black widow when you're a lp and their wives think you're after their husbands anyway [hnmm]
if there ARE any single males out there they just think you're after a father for your child anyway!!

equinox Sun 16-Jun-13 06:45:28

marjproops could you get yourself down to the local womens centre support group for anxiety and depression? There is one local to me and I am in two minds whether to go or not. However I will try the aqua class which is on at the same time first that is great for anxiety and depression. I am also on a counselling list. I would still look into whether there is a local parents and carers support group in your local neighbourhood that you could go to with your child/without if at school etc and hook up with others similarly isolated who knows you could make some excellent friendships!

I feel guilty for having moaned as it must be so much harder for those such as yourself raising a highly needy child and luckily mine is in perfect health but yes certainly no family support is a really hard place to be in so remember you are not alone!

equinox Sun 16-Jun-13 06:46:27

I would just like to add that somebody I know here in Derbyshire has a highly disabled child and she set one up as there wasn't one - at her local surgery - so consider doing that if you feel sufficiently up to it!

Good luck I do feel for you.

equinox Sun 16-Jun-13 06:51:13

Blogonthe tyne I do understand I moved up from sexy London where I had lived for umpteen years to backward Derbyshire and I too have this problem sometimes with workmen. Nobody patronises you down in London there is way more equality I was utterly aghast and still remain so indeed I turn into 'stroppy woman on her own' mode if any male tries this on!

However I have found a local neighbour who is single and not too patronising who does the occasional DIY job for me - although I try not to overload him as he has an anxiety problem - in return for support and friendship it is very good of him.

Other than that we have to hope there is a professional odd job man in the papers/local magazine etc. or newsagent window who doesn't charge the earth - assuming we can afford it - which I just can't right now - so I am grateful for my friend's help.

There is that swapping service isn't there - the one where you exchange professional services - but nobody wanted piano lessons typing services or astrology readings/reiki healing so unfortunately I got nowhere with that. I think it is something in most areas - can't remember its name. You do a skills swap in exchange for a service that you need.


marjproops Sun 16-Jun-13 18:07:57

thank equinox.

but DC and i have social issues and dont mix much with groups.

that doesnt mean we NEVER see people, we have to 'be ready' that day and moment, and luckily the friends we have are understanding on that.

ive never been into 'groups' or clubs and things, we are fine and manage without that, its just the loneliness and frustration.

and dont you find that youre all never taken seriously cos you're a single parent?

marjproops Mon 17-Jun-13 09:02:02

okay, another reason i hate being alone. (bit long, sorry)

lst night, DC in bed, i went up around 10pm or so. i sleep with curtains open as im always watching outside if cars okay/no ones in our driveway (its happened before them knowing its just DC and me, and no, police have done f.a. about it). anyway, didnt put light on and glanced out of window and there were 5 people, 4 men and a woman hanging around right outside house. was dark but they looked of 'dark' origin.

anyay one stepped into drive but as we have a sensor light he stepped out to street again. at this point i went and put light on so they could see someone was there, opened window as if i wass about to draw curtains, at same time calling out to my imaginary husband some gobbledegook to come to the window, and they walked away.

didnt know wether to call 101 as theyd gone by then.

(ive contacted my social worker this morning already abiout this, our vulnerability).

now, one thing is im on this council house swap thing as were underoccupying so it may have been that they were looking at the house for that, but if they were why so late at night in the dark? they were trying to look into back garden from side gate too.

i have bad dreams ALL the time about this happening and it was like happening irl.

needless to say i havent slept all night.

and because of abuse and assualt experience ive picked up some strategies, putting lights on, calling to invisible guy etc etc.

feel like getting a lifesize cardboard cut out like on 'home alone' and putting it in window!

equinox Mon 17-Jun-13 10:58:39

Hi marjproops hope you are ok - in what way do you mean that we aren't taken seriously though?

I have to say that being a single parent in society is like being a bit of a non person as there aren't any invites out unless one is part of a couple - unless you happen to know plenty of single parents - but for that you have to go out and about a great deal and this invariably involves joining things.

When I used to live in London I found plenty of people reacted by assuming we were only too willing to milk the system that was the main assumption and prejudice. In Derbyshire I have just noticed they accept the situation and do not judge it but that said they have no understanding or any real view on it as for some reason there are so few of us up here at least that is what I have found. At my son's local village school 9 out of 10 women are married scarcely anybody even lives with their partner it is very conventional. So to be 1 out of 10 is well shit as one feels like a complete minority! Which we are of course at that school. That is why the only option was for me to join things in the hope that single parents were about I still find we have far less up single parents here than we did in London which is really weird.

I hope you hear from the social worker soon it sounds quite troubling for you.

marjproops Mon 17-Jun-13 19:10:55

by thast i mean-in my case anyway, just cos i dont have a partner 1- ive been a naughty girl hmm even when i explain the abusive situation (both me and DC were victims) or 2-im a dimwitted no good mum (cos DC has mental issues its my fault she was born like that).

and cos people know i dont have any support at all they can walk all over me.

and im a lone voice in my childs upbringing im supposed to be superwoman but because I have disabilities im an idiot in peoples eyes.

and a single mum on income supprt and a council house (not realising i HAVE to be thru no choice cos im a fulltime carer for DC) means im a benefit basher.

equinox Tue 18-Jun-13 11:47:07

That all sounds very hard marjproops - I know what you mean about 'been a naughty girl' but those people just haven't been around and aren't streetwise so not worth the time of day really!!

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