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confused about 50/50 custody

(30 Posts)
lolathemagnificent Fri 15-Mar-13 16:59:14

Hi, not entirely sure of where to post this but hoping someone has some info

my exp claims he wants 50/50 custody of our 2yo DS and told me this morning he will be taking legal action, which to me sounds a little bonkers as for the last two years we have had an agreement where I have DS mon-thu, I drop DS at nursery every Friday morning, exp collects DS at 5pm from nursery, then I collect DS 6pm on Sunday evenings. (this works well for us both as he works mon-fri 9-5, I work all weekend, every weekend and we live 40miles apart)

At the time he was more than happy with this arrangement, and when he goes on holiday (usually three times a year) I am more than happy to take holidays from work or arrange for babysitters etc. AIBU to think that Fri-sun every week is an ok amount of quality time for exp to have with DS?

Anyway a bit of background info...exp was kind enough to leave me when I was 4months pregnant (with no where to live may I add, as it was 6 days before we were due to move in together into a house in his name) the reason....his exp who he had been cheating on me with told him to, yes he's just delightful. To cut a very long story short throughout my pregnancy he caused me no end of stress including telling me he was going to quit his job to make sure I would not recieve a single penny from him when I suggested csa (he has a number of properties he rents out which dont have HMO licence, he was scared of being found out) and that he wanted 50/50 custody in order to save making payments to me at all, which again is bonkers as the money isn't for me, it's for DS! So basically, if there's something he doesn't like, he begins the threats. Of course nothing came of that then when DS was born he again demanded that if I don't give him 50/50 access when DS reaches 6Weeks old he will be taking legal action. (even if I wanted to, DS was being breast fed so would've been impossible) plus he was over every day when he took paternity leave then 4 days a week after that, I began expressing when DS was 16 Weeks then exp had him overnight once a week plus visits then by 6 months it was the full weekend. I like to think I'm pretty reasonable!! I think I'm rambling now so will get to the point. Exp has been trying to get back with me since DS was about 7months old, the guy put me through hell, cheated, dumped me on my arse was incredibly mean and so out of order on so many occasions, as already mentioned very manipulative and doesn't like it when he doesn't get his own way so surprise surprise I'm not interested in ever being in a relationship with him. I must admit, he's extremely good looking, has a great job blah blah blah so thinks he is gods gift, and I think he is genuinely in shock that I won't take him back, so December came, he asked if we could go on a date I said no. come January he asked again I said no, (this has been since dec2011) so I think it's finally sinking in that it's not going to happen so low and behold he doesn't like it and is becoming nasty, this is why I think he's demanding 50/50, I think threats make him feel in control. question is this, are his threats just that, threats? Or would he have a case? Would it even get to court?

I'm guessing 50/50 would be a week each with DS (which I hate the idea of, I personally think one home plus visits is more stable for DS than two homes, and of course this isn't about me but I would hate to be away from DS for a whole week) if it was one week each I would struggle for babysitters every single fortnight whilst I work, it would just be a complete nightmare.

exp is a great dad to DS which is all I ever wanted, but, he grudges paying maintenance, he has a warped idea that it's money for me, despite the fact I'm on a low income. A big part of me thinks that he just wants stop paying maintenance which is why he's going on about.50/50. Is this the case? even if I agreed to 50/50, which I really don't want to, would he no longer have to pay?

I've definitely rambled and no doubt put in plenty of irrelevant info so apologies for that! Does anyone know?

Wereonourway Wed 20-Mar-13 13:29:47

I would love to feel I could be flexible, and for ex to be flexible in return. From August to Xmas I did this, I swapped his nights and times to suit football fixtures or social gatherings.

He would binge drink in a Saturday then wake up at tea time Sunday and demand contact, I'd drop what I had planned or was doing and take ds to him.

I would be driving him from work and because he had cancelle the night before he would demand I take ds to his for an hour. Despite it being 6pm and despite ds being shattered.

It was like this week in week out, it was a continuation of the abuse id suffered and by Xmas I'd had enough.

I will add that if I genuinely thought he couldn't shuffle his work around and it meant ds not seeing his dad I would swap in a heart beat.

He quite happily takes Mondays off if he has a hangover. I saw it week after week when we were together. He will just not admit that he doesn't prioritise and would rather blame me for his lack of responsibility.

Believe me I wish it were different.

lucyloo78 Fri 22-Mar-13 10:45:06

lolathemagnificent - how r things going?

Stumbled across this & v interested as my ex has put in court order for shared residence. Despite my pleas to return to mediation (we had one session but he left after not getting what he wanted.)He has written horrid lies in statements and is out to cause me most amount of stress and upset as possible.
I have a sol, it seems he's self-representing.

Any experiences of this and court process? Many thanks

Tewa Fri 22-Mar-13 11:00:17

lucyloo78 did he refuse mediation? Why was that? The court will not be very impressed if he has made an application without trying to resolve matters amicably and it's something I would advise you bring up in the first hearing.

What are his grounds for applying for a Shared Residence Order? A lot of people who apply for these seem to think it means the children will spend equal amounts of time with each parent usually because `it's my right'. Shared Residence does change what a parent can and can't do somewhat, but I find that a lot of people (both litigants in person and those with solicitors) wouldn't be able to say what they are.

Assuming it goes to court he will have to explain why a Shared Residence Order is in your childrens' best interests more than making no order at all. He will have to come up with examples that demonstrate this.

Also, in my experience of court someone who makes an application for an SRO without sufficient grounds very much risks the other party being granted a Residence Order - usually on the grounds that such applications will disrupt the childrens' routine and create a feeling of uncertainty.

I find myself `talking people down' from Shared Residence Order applications more and more these days for this very reason.

Fleecyslippers Fri 22-Mar-13 13:24:03

Lucy the fact that he is self representing is very positive for you. My narc Ex self represents, not because of financial reason but after parting company with 4 solicitors, he thinks that he 'knows' the system better than anyone else. The judge involved in our case deals with him very well - no matter what outrageous crap he comes out with, she constantly deflects it back at him (He has limited contact because of DV against myself and the kids)
He is doing himself absolutely no favours and his demands have largely been unmet during nearly 2 years of contact hearings. If you find a good solicitor, who is aware of how these mens brains work, you are in a great place.
good luck smile

lucyloo78 Fri 22-Mar-13 23:02:20

Any other experiences?? thanks x

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