Moving on while separated....!(16 Posts)
It sounds like she might have been the reason he wanted the seperation in the first place. I'd tell him it's fine only so long as he's willing to extend the same courtesy to you if need be. He'll at least be wondering if you are thinking of seeing someone (not that I actually would yet if I were you).
I am not sure why exactly a break up should be viewed as a grievance. Even though you are in pain and shock however nobody is dead. That may be why people can't rejuvenate their minds to go on and it takes so much longer to start accepting your new life and moving on in happiness created by you. I had to get myself right again with God and make him my new best friend. He never leaves us you remember. No it is difficult accepting change to our minds. It is, mind over matter. Don't let that ex get the power. I am learning there are just as confused about the whole situation and can even be co-dependents and that is why they continue to call and text so that they feel less guilt and giving up on whom they claimed they would NEVER leave or live with out. We miss the signs when we are living our lives from day to day. It is very cruel when the person you love is not communicating and planning how they are disconnecting from you while looking you in the eyes. You assume your mate is all wrapped correctly but they have shortcomings and are human and no more perfect than anyone else. That is why we are told in these situations not to beat up on ourselves and forgive ourselves because it takes more than one person and even more people to ruin one relationship. I appreciate being able to log on to web sites, not to simply know other people are going through this life change but to know there are ways to get over this ordeal and find real true happiness. I hope things I have learned over the last two months can help other people in the future. I do believe, that cutting out all contact that you don't need will help you get over that person sooooooo much faster and is a friendly reminder that you will live just fine as you did before them. If you have to talk with that person whether it be kids or finances or etc, at least you will have a clear head without emotion because when you appear weak, the opposite mate just will not have the empathy for you. We have to remember that the person who left us, has put plenty of thought heart and soul into leaving you and they will not feel sorry for you.
The book I read/reading was 'Getting Past Your Breakup' by Susan Elliott. I chose it as on the reviews it received 5 stars by over 100 people so thought why not its worth a try.
I read up until the relationship inventory which I completed and I will warn you - you have to look right back into your relationship through the good and bad times I did have a few tears while I wrote it. For me though it helped me settle my mind that yes this is going to be the best for me and our children. I had blocked out/forgotten how negative my ex was and some of the things I put up with as you just get used to it - this helped me see how better off I am now.It has helped me get to the point where I have decided that once my divorce comes through (providing he doesn't keep on being a t**t) I will be sending a card through to say thank you for releasing me.
I understand where you coming from in respect of rejection and that you think you must of made him unhappy. I have felt the same in the past however I really believe that only they can make themselves happy as it doesn't matter what you do sometimes a person gets in a mindset that you are unable to change. I also think back to our happy days at times and think where has it all gone - why couldn't it work for the sake of our children but actually to have carried on living in the same house would have been such a bad role model for them (we weren't arguing but I would continually struggle by myself doing everything and trying to make sure the kids were not disturbing him). Now when they see him he does things with them that he would not when we were together e.g. take the to the park or play a game so the children to a certain extent do spend better time with him now.
lostdad is right try not to let your situation get bitter as this will drag you down - I treat everything that comes up with the question "Does it matter?" if its not something that is going to be very detrimental to me or the children I let it go. Get out - see your friends, try new things and focus on you and the children. Time is a great healer.
Thanks all for your advise. Yes I do have good and bad days and the good ones it feels like it is the right thing to do and the bad days I just to get him back, but at what cost to me, the kids and my health?
It is emotionally exhausting and I have wasted loads of time recently thinking about it going over in my mind but generally come back to the same conclusion. Perhaps it is still early days and I should not be hard on myself.
I think the really hard thing is the rejection. All things a side, finances etc, he has rejected me and has felt like this for some time and now he has found somone else who makes him happy, so that means I made him unhappy. It just feels like a kick in head everytime anything is said. I think back to the happy days and it makes me feel really sad. We were so happy and now it has all gone. I wonder if I could have done more and if so would we be happy and togther still?
What was the book that you read on your kindle? Anything I can read to help would be great?
It is hard to move on sometimes especially if they've been a big part of your life and you had kids with them. My ex left me without warning for another man, taking my son with me and it ended up very bitter. Losing her (and at the time I considered her the love my life) felt like I'd been ripped in half, skinned alive.
Do not let your situation get bitter. Use this new period of your life to see friends, do your hobbies, go out and rebuild. Don't try to get revenge as it will rebound on you one way or the other.
Lots of people split up and very often it is just because they aren't compatible. It's not the `fault' of either party really...they just don't fit. There are plenty of decent people who split with plenty of other decent people and it's not a reflection on them as a person.
There is no easy answer here and time heals a lot. I'm not saying you'll ever be completely peachy with things but you'll be able to deal with it.
I only post occasionally but always read. I separated from my stbexh in June last year I promise it does get easier. Don't get me wrong you will have ups and downs. Before Christmas I thought great I am coping with this fabulously then just after I felt like I had gone back 6 months to the beginning part - this lasted for a few weeks however now I feel like I am coming out the other side.
I downloaded a book onto my kindle at the end of January and I really believe this has helped me deal with everything - doing a relationship/life inventory it settle my mind and helped me accept that actually I have lived with a complete b*****d for years etc. Deal with the issues of a new girlfriend although I still have to get past the part of him introducing the children to her in the next few weeks.
As with everything with my ex he won't deal with stuff so in the end I issued divorce proceedings to try and take control of the situation as much as I can - I am not recommending this to you but it has certainly helped me....
it does get easier, or so im told, today i had a great day and now i feel so low! up and down all the time i'm told but hey ho! I agree with hatti you do need to sort your finances, cut him out all that matters is you and dc now....
Get your finances separated as soon as possible, as he has made the decision to move on. WHy should you finance his romance?
Hes had years to get used to the idea of moving on - you've had a short while. Give yourself time.
Thanks all for your messages. Yes I thought it was a little too soon to start finding dating other people again. I thought this period of time was for us to reflect and consider what we wanted to do as a couple with our marriage but it seems that he has made that decision.
Our other major issue is one of trust as he has debt problems that he will not tell me about yet expects me to pay the mortgage and bills and really any other expenses that come along, as he never has any money. I suppose that I am now used to dealing with the financial side of the house on my own.
I just feel like it is a kick in the guts and he wants to rub my nose in it. He never wanted responsibility and now he is free of it! And perhaps I am free of him, but it is so hard. I am sure you have all been through this. How long does it take to start feeling a bit stronger? The other day somone asked about him and I just burst into tears! It is all such a strain thinking about the next steps and thinking this is it.
I think I will be better off without him and yes I have spent money on new clothes and have had my hair done - and it does feel better but keep feeling really rubbish about it all
Intheframe- your so right. I was thinking this today, my ex is probs treating his new missus (if he has one) to all the nice things in the world but in 6 months he will push her or hit her or call her a fucking cunt and his true colours will come out in the meanwhile i am going to get up tomorrow and look fab - my ex and your ex is just 1 man, there must be more out there.
I think it's all a bit easier for men as they suddenly get this new freedom (while we adjust to the children and the home on our own).
He'll have a lovely time with this new one, in a few months she'll want to know where it's going and this time next year it'll all be over.
Do not tell him at any point that you might still love him. It is now up to you to look like this is the best thing that has happened - wear all your really good clothes, get your hair done, take the children out and about. He'll be miserable thinking perhaps the idea was yours along and you will get more compliments and support from your friends then you imagined. Everyone loves a survivor.
I would imagine he's probably replaced you with someone else. It's no slur on you, he's probably just not very good on his own.
I think that's too quick as well, ive been split with my dp for 5 weeks on Thursday and i have suspicions he has a new missus already i think that's too quick as-well and i feel worthless.
10 years of marriage, doesnt matter how long you were unhappy for 7 weeks is way to quick to be moving on!
Should point out the party happened before we were separated and just added to the issues we needed to deal with while separated.
Have been separated now for 7 weeks and was told by husb that he would like to ask out someone that he likes. This is someone whose house he ended up staying in after a party - "but he stayed on the sofa"....! (not sure I believe that). Turns out they have been away last weekend - "but nothing happened, they had separate bedrooms"!!!!!! (not sure I believe that).
Am just a bit shocked that after 10 years of marriage it has taken him just a few weeks to move on so quickly. It makes me feel sad/angery and actually a little bit thinking I may still be in love with him even after all the rubbish that we have been through together to lead us to be separated (mainly debt issues on his side).
He has said he has not been happy for years now and that the marriage has not worked for so long and so he feels this is not moving too fast.
Would appreciate some help/comments...am just a bit of a mess at the moment!
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