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Can I say no to Exdp seeing dd - maitenance

(19 Posts)
er1507 Wed 27-Feb-13 19:12:33

Dd is 19mo we split up when dd was 3mo. He has given me £40 throughout her whole life an didn't contribute to anything when I was pregnant. I'm really fed up of the lies that he'll be giving me some. Iv been very patient and have never said anything or kicked off when I haven't had anything. this week is the last straw, he was supposed to put money in my bank on fri and I'm still waiting. He said he'd put it in on tue and I'm still waiting. I have never ever wanted to stop him from seeing dd but now I think why should he have the privilege of spending time with her when he can't be bothered to support her. He only sees her on a Sunday every other week sometimes less . What would you do?

LaurieFairyCake Wed 27-Feb-13 19:14:23

You go to the CSa.

And you keep contact going - it's not pay per view. wink

Sorry he's a twat.

Milly22 Wed 27-Feb-13 19:16:25

I've read that non payment can't stop his rights towards access, might make him more stubborn. Good luck!

MooseBeTimeForCoffee Wed 27-Feb-13 19:18:21

If he applied to the Court for contact the Judge would take a very dim view if your reason was his lack of financial support.

momb Wed 27-Feb-13 19:19:46

You chase him through legal channels for money while maintaining his access to your daughter. He is still her father whether he pays or not. This isn't about his right to see her, it's about her right to see him....

er1507 Wed 27-Feb-13 19:20:19

It's so infuriating! I' don't even want much, we had agreed that he would just buy nappies and wipes when I need them. I would text him what ones and which size but he would never get them right and last time bought 2sizes too big! I want to shake him.

Aspiemum2 Wed 27-Feb-13 19:20:26

As Laurie said, loved how she put it too.

Is he good with your dd, reliable with regards to contact? The money is a totally separate issue and contact should never be used as some sort of gameplay

Your dd has a right to a relationship with her father, you can't ignore that

Go to the csa, but don't play games

er1507 Wed 27-Feb-13 19:24:28

I know she has a right which is why I have never tried to stop it before and have always encouraged it. he's not reliable and has been to prison twice since she's been born. contact is always supervised by me, we'll usually go to a soft play or park and i'll take a back seat while they have fun.

PuddingWhine Wed 27-Feb-13 19:25:58

This is my situation. Their father refuses to pay maintenance but sees them when he wants to. I guess the only way to stomach it is to swallow the VERY hard concept that although he has forfeited his rights to she her, she still has the right to see him.


I don't find it easy. I sometimes feel like a doormat.

kilmuir Wed 27-Feb-13 19:28:17

How can they refuse to pay, what does csa say?

er1507 Wed 27-Feb-13 19:30:39

pudding it's herd to believe that these dads are like this.

He wanted to see her 2mo on his lunch break, maybe I'll break the csa news to him then.

er1507 Wed 27-Feb-13 19:31:27

I went on there calculator and he should give me more than what iv asked for so he's shot himself in the foot really.

MrsTomHardy Wed 27-Feb-13 19:31:43

Definitely go down Csa route!

Aspiemum2 Wed 27-Feb-13 19:32:08

It's bloody annoying, exdp messed me about for 2 years before I went to csa - a month after it started ds had mentioned something he wanted to his dad but said I couldn't afford it and ex replied "course she can, I pay her to look after you"!! Dick

As I constantly point out to ds1 when he has issues with other kids - you can't control other people's actions, only your own.

Do go to the csa though, they were really nice and helpful with me. I felt guilty doing it at the time (well programmed to feel guilty about everything!) but I now have the money every month to fund my oh so extravagant lifestyle of course

PuddingWhine Wed 27-Feb-13 19:33:54

it's just pure entitlement. If I DIED my x might take his hand out of his pocket. He loves them (although not in the same selfless way that I love them). He doesn't actually want them to suffer or to go without but he wants and expects me to fund everything. That is the correct status quo to him. He has rationalised it all to himself. I implicitly undertook the expense of raising them when I chose to leave him. This is all on me hmm He is blameless. He is not only blameless, he's the victim.

Aspiemum2 Wed 27-Feb-13 19:35:54

My ex is a victim too pudding, poor guy - although if I'm that evil he should be more grateful that I left shouldn't he?!

betterthanever Wed 27-Feb-13 20:54:04

My ex is a blameless, victim too.... can someone in authority please put him straight....
no, they believe he manages to not work and yet still run a house with a mortgage and run a van, iphone etc. they say it's ok to rock up after 7 years of absence and after denying his son for all this time, then make us go for a DNA and my DS is forced to have contact which knocks him off school and scared to be in his own house in case he turns up to take him to his house... and more .. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh it has to stop on all fronts.

PleaseLetsGoToSleep Wed 27-Feb-13 22:19:01

Can I just chip-in, I get absolutely nothing from my ds' Dad, but he still has him every weekend. I do struggle with money, I can afford to heat just one room in my flat, ds' room. But I'd never stop access. I've come to the point where I'd rather be cold than take any money from him now. I'm proud to be doing it on my own, however tough it is.

PleaseLetsGoToSleep Wed 27-Feb-13 22:21:05

Pudding, I think we have the same ex!

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