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Shall we have a "new single parent" chat thread?

(97 Posts)
BrittaPerry Sun 24-Feb-13 22:04:35

I get the keys to my new house on Thursday and I am BRICKING IT.

But also quite pleased :-)

Is anyone else new to all this? Or used to it and wants to share advice/chat?

JustFoldingStars Thu 28-Feb-13 10:39:25

Hello, can I come in? Have been a LP since October, am 27 with a 22mo DS.

I'm ok and am currently going to counselling to talk through things. ExP was not abusive as such, but can be emotionally manipulative and make me feel like I'm going crazy!! Also having huge trust issues with him which I have to sort through for the sake of DS.

ExP had a new girlfriend 3 weeks after our split. I on the other hand cannot see myself having another serious relationship, at least not for a long time. People assure me I will but, from a purely non-emotional logical perspective I cannot see the benefit?! I'm so much better off on my own.

But time will tell I guess smile

Beckett3 Thu 28-Feb-13 10:51:38

Hi, I have been separated since January we were together 16 years, married for 8. I have 3 children DD1-14, DS-10 and DD2-6 and am almost 18 weeks pregnant with baby no.4 that stbexh asked me for. I'm 31.

I feel mostly relieved and free! Looking back he was emotionally abusive and quite frankly, a useless father, I've noticed that nothing has changed for the worse for me since he left except we're living in the country and I can't drive. I am now taking lessons though and until I pass there's ways round the rest.

My biggest problem is the way he's treating the chldren, he's seen them for maybe 10 hours total since he left over 4 weeks ago and he somehow manages to upset them or let them know they're not the most important things in his life every time he does see them.

Stbexh is dating someone awful and I'm not just saying that, if anyone has read my thread you will know why, but in short she's a stalker, intentionally ruined the children's first day spent with their father and continued bullying/upsetting my eldest via fb until my eldest had to block both her and stbexh on there. Because of all this I've told stbexh that the children are never to meet her and he thinks I'm overreacting.

I haven't had the luxury of sleeping alone yet, my son has nightmares every time he sleeps alone and if I even suggest it to my youngest she becomes hysterical and thinks I'm going to disappear overnight and obviously nothing I say can make her believe me.

OverlyYappy Thu 28-Feb-13 11:08:12

I just realise the OP gets her keys today, she must be delighted!

My eldest slept in with me for first year or so, now I usually have the youngest in with me, my parents take DC at weekends, this is when I went on my dating session.

My ex was dating with 3 days of us splitting. She was very jealous is him having 2 DC and did everything she could to stop him seeing them, he gave in.

Beckett I think I have read your thread, my STBXbastards g.friend goes everywhere with him, apparently he is miserable, she (up until I told her NO WAY) thought he could come back to us anytime.

I felt terrible making the decision to cut my boys off from their F, but was advised it was doing them more harm him coming in/out of their lives.

shadesofwhite Thu 28-Feb-13 11:21:28

Thanks OverlyYappy and Wallison

No doubt i made the right decision about LTB. He is threatening to sue me for full custody and my emotions are running high when the thought of seeing him comes to mind. Lots of awful flashbacks and all sad

Not so sure how long we'll be here for but I've heard from other mums in here that majority leave before 5 months are over. Its a nice refuge and I've made a good friend who's always looking out for me and DD.

I'm scared of raising DD alone but don't have a choice.

OverlyYappy Thu 28-Feb-13 11:45:16

Mine threatened this too. He asked for 6 hours with them via a Solicitor, I said 'no' after DS1 pleaded not to be on unsupervised visits, have yet to hear back from him.

It is frightening looking after DC alone, more for some than others, I felt like a single parent anyway but it is still difficult at times. I'm glad you have made some friends where you are and hopefully you will get your own home soon, in the meantime take all the help you can get, parenting classes etc. I am usually ok but when DC go to g.parents, I do feel very lost/alone.

12stonelighter50feettaller Thu 28-Feb-13 13:07:53

Sorry to hear from those of you having problems with abusive exes - I have heard really good things about the Freedom Program through my job, I work with women in crisis.

Hope Britta's move is going well. I need to move house as I can't afford to stay here on just my wages - it seems like a mammoth task at the moment but it will be great to have a fresh start eventually.

OverlyYappy my ex also started dating someone very soon after we split. She seems okay and the kids seem to like her, but I still find it hard, so I can't imagine what it is like to deal with a new partner being as horrid as your ex's sounds.

OverlyYappy Thu 28-Feb-13 15:03:07

Tbh we have no contact at all with them now, I was advised if I allowed my STBX see the DC a Child Protection Order would have to be sought, so I took legal action and he is not allowed near us, although there is nothing 'legal' in place such as an interdict as he hasn't since November broke the terms of my no contact letter, as soon as he does we get an interdict.

It's bliss having peace from them. They are very toxic together and both take drugs (my boys are terrified of them) so it would be awful dealing with visits.

We are generally a happy little unit now, my boys do push me to my limits at times, but they are generally very loving and never a night passes without 'I love you', but it is much better being just us, I cannot imagine bringing another man into the mix right now. Neither can they, so it's a no go area just now.

I could do a weekend dating thing, I guess, well one night a weekend and half a day, I like my me time. grin

shadesofwhite Thu 28-Feb-13 18:35:41

Hey Overly its great to finaly have peace of mind with your DC's smile . I would never let a drug user/abuser anywhere near my DD, honestly you can never trust them. Can't wait for the day my DD will say 'I love you mummy!' smile

TBH I do want to meet someone caring (nothing serious) just casual. I know its too soon but I already feel soo lonely and I feel like I need some attention grin lol Perhaps you could give me some tips on weekend dating? I sound silly don't I? grin

IneedAgoldenNickname Thu 28-Feb-13 18:57:37

I've decided I don't want or need a,man atm, so I've deleted my pof account grin
If I'm meant to meet someone I will! And they'll be hunky doctors wherever my placement is if when I go to uni in September won't there? Lol

shadesofwhite Thu 28-Feb-13 19:31:14

Go Golden ! Hunky doctors all the way smile Great idea.

I'm due to start Uni but it'll depend on few circumstances. It'll be great meeting a sole mate there! I'm very attracted to mature men so chances of meeting a responsible mature student would be sooo limited grin

shadesofwhite Thu 28-Feb-13 19:33:23

I'm due to do Biomedical Sciences if all goes well, so talk about meeting geeks like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory! Lol

IneedAgoldenNickname Thu 28-Feb-13 19:38:03

Sounds exciting shades I hope you sort whatever circumstances it is!

BrittaPerry Thu 28-Feb-13 21:30:15

My house is lovely grin

Some of you have had an awful time :-(.

Hopefully we are all at the start of new, exciting, happy lives :-)

IneedAgoldenNickname Thu 28-Feb-13 21:33:41

Glad you're house is lovely, hope you get settled/unpacked soon smile

Onwards and upwards hey ladies!

shadesofwhite Fri 01-Mar-13 00:27:59

Hi Britta

Nice to hear you've moved in smile
Have a happy New beginning. cant wait to get my own key soon

Yes to Onwards and Upwards! grin

BusyHomemaker Fri 01-Mar-13 07:08:27

Hi all, I know I'm a late comer but can I still join please?

I separated from my stbexh early in Feb. I've filed for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I'm 31 and I have a gorgeous and clever 16mo DD and yesterday discovered I'm pregnant. I have mixed feelings about this as no2 was conceived out of desperation rather than love. We've had to leave stbexh as he was abusive and it took me a while to recognise his behaviour as abusive as he also suffers with depression. He told me I needed to support him more so I exhausted myself trying and then it got to the point where I feared for our safety and we had to get out. I took the dog too and so glad I did as she used to tremble in his presence... gosh, sorry for the ramble!

I collect the keys to our new home today and so excited.

Reading through your posts makes me feel so sad that there are so many men out there getting it so wrong - you are all strong ladies smile

BrittaPerry Fri 01-Mar-13 10:12:28

So, today I catch a train to old yown, hand over kids to ex ils for a few days, stay overnight at my old house x is at his parents house with the kids, then my dad will pick me up in a van and take me and my stuff to my new house 200 miles away. X is moving to new town in two weeks. I will go back and pick the kids up on Tuesday, giving me two full days of atranging furniture etc so the kids come back to a house all ready for them.

Here goes...

shadesofwhite Fri 01-Mar-13 10:19:02

Welcome Busy ,

Glad to hear you got out of the situation sooner than later.

I took the dog too and so glad I did as she used to tremble in his presence... grin
It must have been horrifying for your 16mnths old DD too.

Have you had a chat with your GP about your 2nd ? if not, it may be worth it so can decide fully what you want.

Unfortunately there are so many men out there who are charming but underneath are abusers. If only they come with an 'abuser' tattooed on their heads, we wouldn't be in this horrendous situations.

shadesofwhite Fri 01-Mar-13 10:23:32

Britta what a busy day ahead of you! All the best with the loading, Offloading and unpacking. Without the kids around it should lighten the work load.


OverlyYappy Fri 01-Mar-13 11:07:30

So exciting seeing people getting their keys, we moved in October, my house feels a bit big tbh! Its 3 bedroom and there are 3 of us, so it makes sense, my last house was cosier, even though this houses heating is better, (Eco friendly everything) it just needs to be lived in a bit more, it's a new build, maybe that's the problem.

It doesn't feel like home (to me) yet, the Dc have settled in fine and love having a bedroom each even though they do still share sometimes.

Although it's not nice seeing so many have been in abusive relationships it's great to see how your DC are quite young so will benefit from having one loving parent rather than living an abusive parent.

I am not sure what I would do if I was pregnant, talk to family, do you have a good support system? My DS2 was very much not wanted by his F, he still does random things like calls my DS1's school, never DS2 though. One part of me would be saying no as it's another tie to my ex, another part of me would most likely want to keep a baby it will also be very hard work having a toddler but it's do-able! (I was still with STBXH when DS2 was born but had zero help)

You are not advised to date in the first year of leaving such a relationship 'they say' I dated about a month after, I wanted a hug and someone to watch TV with, it didn't work out like that though, dating sites are bizarre, you can meet a guy in a week and be dating, I had quite a few dates, I go on dating sites now and it looks like mug-shots from Crimewatch floating across the screen.

My dog is a lot happier now too, she used to tremble she is more relaxed now. Dc are staying home this weekend, a sleepover with friends...

12stonelighter50feettaller Fri 01-Mar-13 12:19:20

Exciting times for you britta, best of luck this weekend, I bet you feel like you are going "home".

Welcome busy, I hope today goes well getting your new keys. Sounds like you have made the right move. I second talking to your GP about what you want to do about your situation as well. Have you looked into accessing any free or paid counselling too? May be worth talking things through with someone, as you must have so much on your mind.

It is horrid hearing about so many going through so much, you are all amazing smile.

On a much lighter, more unimportant note, I have decided to bite the bullet and book on the single parents holiday in August. Why do I feel so weird about going on holiday with a load of strangers and driving to Cornwall on my own? hmm. I am a big girl now and just need to woman up and get on with this sort of thing.

shadesofwhite Fri 01-Mar-13 14:32:02

Well well, today is a hugely stressing day for me. Been making calls to Solicitors trying to get legal aid for divorce/judicial separation I don't know what I want but none is taking up anymore clients. Apparently legal for Divorce is ending in 4weeks time and I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure to do it now. I need spouse maintenance and child maintenance. STBXH is on 1000 plus per week therefore going through the CSA will be a 'waste' of time.

What do I do? He says he's taking me down for full custody, unlikely that he'll get it but having to go through the process of fighting him from court to court is nerve wrecking. sad . I'm so stressed up, honestly.

IneedAgoldenNickname Fri 01-Mar-13 18:02:16

12stone fab news a about the holiday! I'm tempted to book one, but they are so expensive compared to holidays I normally have, plus I don't drive so getting there would be hard!

shades I don't have any advice, having never been divorced, but hope out all goes smoothly remember we are always here for UN mumsnetty virtual hugs and wine and thanks

glitch Fri 01-Mar-13 19:42:51

12 stone, well done on booking your hol. My way of looking at it is that if they are all weirdos
then we can always go off and do our own thing and if not then even better.
I am doing the Welsh holiday. Thought that if we cope with that one perhaps we may try one abroad at some point!

BusyHomemaker Sat 02-Mar-13 07:19:30

Such a supportive thread smile

shades I'm shocked at the response you're received from solicitors. Once the rules re change DV cases will still be eligible for legal aid in both divorce and family matters.Perhaps speak to CAB and ask if they can recommend someone. As for your partner, he will have to pay for supervised contact via a contact centre.Also you don't have to have any contact with him if you don't want to.

I'm warming to the idea of having another baby and providing DD with a whole sibling. I'm just devastated to be doing it alone. The man I'm divorcing is not the man I married and that's so hard to get my head around. Although I've felt like a single parent for a while now.

It's fab that some of us are moving into our new homes... exciting times!

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