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Worried and scared

(7 Posts)
Clairaloulou Mon 11-Feb-13 17:55:45

Hi everyone

I'm new on here, came across the site whilst looking for help/advice on my current situation. Thought I'd post and see if any of you had any advice. Sorry, it's probably going to be a long one!

My little boy is 4 and he has never met his father, he stopped contact with me when I was 3 months pregnant. We hadn't been a couple, we were workmates and close friends and had got a bit close after a particularly stressful day at work. I had the morning after pill but it didn't work, and I was blessed with my little man. Not the most romantic of conceptions but there is nothing I can do to change that.
I've spoken to the dad maybe 3 times in four years, he's said he doesn't want a role, and called my son "it", refusing to use his name, even as recently as last year. This nearly killed me, I was so hurt and angry. Anyway, I got in touch with the CSA, and he denied he was the father, so they offered him a DNA test, but he'd have to pay for it so he refused. The CSA then presumed he was the dad and started taking maintenance direct from his wage. All was fine until 18 months ago, when they reassessed it and the amount was nearly doubled. After two payments, the money stopped. It's taken 18 months of chasing him and sending bailiffs round etc, but they've finally got all the info they need to reassess it, which is great. But, he is disputing paternity again. I'm sure it's just a stalling tactic, and the man I spoke to at the CSA was brilliant, and seemed to have no patience or sympathy for him. Their opinion is, he was offered a DNA test once, he won't get another chance. So he'll have to go to court. I'm really worried, that if this happens,contact with my little boy will be discussed. I simply don't want him anywhere near him, for a number of reasons:
1. He's never shown any interest, whatsoever, and so is unlikely to be a positive, constant presence in my sons life
2. My little boy is so secure, happy and he's never known a minutes heartache. I was torn in two different directions as a child, used as a weapon and torn apart by my parents and I don't want that for him
3. My little boy has a number of medical conditions, and he is poorly a lot, in fact we just got home from the hospital yesterday as the phone was ringing by the CSA. I can't leave him with anyone who isn't trained, and I don't even leave him with my parents, it is so hard to put my trust in other people. It makes me feel sick thinking of what could happen if they feed him the wrong things etc, so many things could go fatally wrong. He is the most precious person in my world, I would rather die myself that let any harm come to him.

I feel so torn, I know the importance of a father figure in a child's life, and that is one thing I fail to provide for my son and I feel so awful from it. I haven't even talked to another man since all this with my sons father - which is nearly 5 years ago now.

I think I am worrying too much, I know I am, nothing has really happened yet, but I just can't help it. His happiness is just so important.

Any advice or support would be really welcome, feel so alone with this.

Jellykat Mon 11-Feb-13 18:29:18

Welcome to MN Claira smile

Ok, slow down, you are imagining the absolute worst case scenario, easily done i know..
Firstly, what is being discussed now is maintenance, and as far as i'm aware going to court to dispute this, is a completely different matter from filing for a contact order, which is something your ex would have to do separately, the court will not 'force' contact while discussing maintenance.

Secondly, if your ex did suddenly decide he wanted contact, the court would look very dimly at his choice not to be involved so far, they wouldn't suddenly make you hand him over for huge chunks of time, and they would also look very very closely at your sons medical requirements.

Can i also add, you didn't 'fail' to give your son a father figure, it was out of your control! You sound like an absolutely amazing mum - thats all your DS needs.. and i can tell you i have a 24 year old DS, who is a very happy, well balanced lovely lovely young man, despite having never had a dad around.

Please try not to worry, one step at a time eh? smile

SoleSource Mon 11-Feb-13 19:02:48

I agree with Jellykat. You are an amazing Mother. How lucky.your DS

I really think you will be OK xx

Keep posting, welcome to Mumsnet, we're here to offer support.

Maybe cooy and paste in legal. You may attract lawyers, Barristers etc

betterthanever Mon 11-Feb-13 19:13:57

I am in that worst case senario.
Ex did the same thing - split with me when I was pregnant and denied he was the father to the csa - refused the test and dodged payments ever since.
My DS is almost 8.... he has taken me to court for contact after he was served with a liability order. Its a living nightmare. He has of course re written history and despite me having paperwork from csa (and solicitors from years ago) he is saying I told him he wasn't the father. He could not be any worse, esp. for my poor DS.
My advice - drop the CSA. The lawyers will all say by the way, that despite everything he will be given contact and he probably will should he decide to go for that. Legal aid is stopping next month, as my ex is using that to get at me - me.. well I have had to support by DS alone for all these years so I work and I have to pay thousands now just to protect my son (there are a host of other issue too). I can't just drop out of work for a bit to get legal aid as I have a DS to support. I posted in AIBU last night for more info. As legal aid is stopping it would be harder more expensive for him to start a contact case and he would not get contact directly straight away but if he pushes it, it will come. So if you don't want him around drop the CSA. Sad but true.

SoleSource Mon 11-Feb-13 19:32:56

Go to CAB. X

babyhammock Mon 11-Feb-13 23:39:46

Agree totally with betterthanever
Of course he should pay but the reality is if you pursue you are making yourself really vulnerable to him exerting his so called 'rights'.... which is worse? sad

Clairaloulou Wed 13-Feb-13 18:14:40

Sorry for the late reply everyone, DS been in hospital again.

Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate it. I do tend to freak out and worry about things that haven't even happened, plus the lack of sleep I've been getting hasn't helped!

Am seriously considering dropping the CSA, were not getting any regular money anyway so there's not much point to it. Going to make my decision when I'm not so bleary eyed and hopefully it will be the right one!

Thanks again for your support :-)

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