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Please tell me honestly what I should do. Breaking my daughters heart at the moment, and not sure if it's worth it..

(9 Posts)
IfItDontFeelGoodWhatUDoingIt4 Tue 05-Feb-13 10:33:25

I left my partner of 6 years 3 weeks ago. We have a DD who is just 3.

DP (ex?) is a good guy, good dad, goes to work, not abusive etc.

I can honestly say, I have just fallen out of love. I can't help thinking there is somebody with more interests and similarities to me that I would be happy with.

I have felt like this for years on and off, then DD came along things picked up, and then reverted.

If I was on my own I would be gone, but my daughter is heart broken, when she is with me, she asks and wants her dad, when she is with him vice versa.

We are living with my sister, as DP literally has know where to go, and we won't be able to afford separate smaller places until the lease is up on our rented house. Which Is only two months away.

DD is confused about where to call home, and just wants us both in the same house.

Last night she wet the bed, which she has never done, it could of been an accident, but I can't help thinking its more than that.

Should I go home and just get on with it, be with him, we get on fine, I'm just not crazy about him?

Should I go back until the lease is up and DD and me can get our own place, that is truly her home, but possible confusing her by going back.

Or should I stay away now I have done it, and just help her adjust?

Please help, feel like I have ruined DDs life sad

NicknameTaken Tue 05-Feb-13 14:18:03

IfIdont, it's hard. I don't really think I can tell you what to do. Normally I'm a "leave the bastard" type, but if he's not a bastard them I'm out of advice. Honestly, I would be slow to leave someone just because the grass might be greener.

Have you tried anything to get the love back, to develop new interests in common? Have you thought about counselling through Relate? I think in your own mind you need to feel sure that you have tried everything to make it work, because breaking up a family is not something to be done lightly.

IfItDontFeelGoodWhatUDoingIt4 Tue 05-Feb-13 17:03:06

I know........I just don't want to be with him.

I really feel I would be happier on my own than with him. I also probably make life a bit hard work for him, because I'm not on love with him. Subconciously (sp) of course. I'm not a complete bitch.

Ahhh god, I should of done this when she was a baby, and then she would know no different.

Piecesofmyheart Tue 05-Feb-13 18:00:51

Your little girl has been through tremendous upheaval. if he's a decent guy, wouldn't he consider moving out whist you get your head around what is you both want ? At least then your little girl will be in familiar surroundings, her own bed and you will be able to have less pressure to make any more big decisions about the future

Piecesofmyheart Tue 05-Feb-13 18:03:37

And maybe post on Relationships for a bit more advice about your relationship?

soaccidentprone Tue 05-Feb-13 18:20:04

I split with exh when ds1 was 3. I left the house we shared.

ds1 was extremely unhappy, but I reassured him that I still loved him and that his daddy still loved him, it's just that mummy didn't want to be with daddy anymore.

I tried to keep ds's routine still the same. he still went to nursery, went to swimming, saw Nana and Nana and grandad, saw his dad whenever he wanted.

the thing is it is still early days, you need to give it time, and give your dd plenty of reassurance.

ds1's decided to go to Australia (having 'borrowed' the money from his parents) a year after I left. this upset ds1 and resulted in him having 'accidents' until his dad returned.

just be patient, and if this is what you want it is better to stick to it, than to go back and then maybe change your mind.

relate are very good if you need to talk through things.

lizzie479 Tue 05-Feb-13 20:50:04

OP I have been there too and know how awful it is when you feel you are devastating your precious child whose sole desire is to have mummy and daddy together. I broke up with ex due to constant arguments that surfaced due to underlying issues. DD saw all of this. We broke up for a month, went to relate, got back together (a massive reason was because DD was so so sad), things moved on we had another baby and when I was pregnant the arguing started again and all the old issues came back. More arguing, more external pressures revealed more cracks in our relationship. In the end I asked him to leave and while it has been tough, the children have managed much better this time, particularly DD. As long as I'm happy they are happy. But, it is stressful breaking up and really hard doing it all by yourself. Have you got supportive parents/other people you can rely on to help out practically and emotionally? This is important. I worry constantly that I may have caused irrepairable harm to my children but all in all I made the right decision. When it is over it is over and honestly I shout more and get stressed easier but it was the right decision. Agonising over whether to stay together for the kids is very draining emotionally. I have had a tough time dealing with the split and its aftermath but I have not once been to the drs for anti depressants which was what I was going to need if I stayed with ex.
Be sure before you leap.....but if you are sure then leap as it will be better for you and your child. Also ask yourself 'what advice would I give my daughter if she were all grown up and in my position'? Also, why did you move out??? Too many women do this, you and your child have a right to be housed. All the best OP xxxxx

IfItDontFeelGoodWhatUDoingIt4 Wed 06-Feb-13 08:21:05

Thanks Lizzie. I have lots of support thanks. I actually feel relieved to be out on my own. I am just worried about DD.

The reason I moved out is....DPs family lives 5 hours away, his job is down here, he doesn't really know anybody other than work colleagues. The rent on our 3 bed is up in two months. If we try to get out of the contract now it will cost money (landlord isn't lovely, but different story). If I told DP to go, not only would he be unable to work, he would be hours from DD, where as this way he is having her one afternoon, and two days and nights at the weekend per week. Which I think is better for her.

If I had been using my head I should of waited a couple of months.........

There is no extra money for hotels/flats etc, we live just out side London, we need to terminate the lease and then look for smaller houses possible a flat for him.

NicknameTaken Wed 06-Feb-13 12:59:29

Well, it does sound like you are thinking of your (?ex)DP's welfare as well, and that's a positive thing. If you do decide to make this a permanent split, the important thing is to make sure that your DD has lots of opportunity to see her father as soon as possible, and help her to understand that she is not losing him.

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