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Finding it difficult and Im angry

(13 Posts)
cappuccinodays Thu 31-Jan-13 10:53:56

I am finding it difficult. I shouted at my ds this morning and I feel terrible. I am truly trying my best, working all hours, doing everything I can for him, being fair with his dad etc I just want him to have a loving home life and be happy. I feel like i am failing. I dont have a lot of support, i am an independent strong person and people see me cope. But they dont know how i really feel or would understand what it is like.
I am angry with my exH who does all of the "fun" part with his new gf whereas I have just ended a relationship and I am on my own again. I feel like i am running around dropping ds at his dads, sorting childcare etc and because of this I feel i could never sustain a relationship as I just dont have time..
I guess i am feeling resentful and perhaps I am taking this out on my ds, which is the last thing i want to do.
Anyone else feel like this? I really dont feel like a good mum at the moment :-(

growingroots Thu 31-Jan-13 11:38:40

Perhaps you are doing too much. Why are you dropping your son at his father's? Is his dad pulling his weight? If he is just being a disney dad, perhaps you should think about - whilst you are trying to be fair to his dad, are you being fair to yourself? I am just saying this, because you are just one person and you have to remember to look after your own needs too, and perhaps if you do that you will find yourself calming down? I would also suggest that you stop pretending to be coping and talk to people and ask for help! And don't focus about future relationships, and look after the one you have right now with yourself and with your son!

12stonelighter50feettaller Thu 31-Jan-13 12:49:27

Cappucino I could have written your post sad. I have been a single Mum since September to two dc's 4 and 2, and feel like I am just on a treadmill all day every day. I am so knackered after I have put the kids to bed I just make sandwiches, iron school uniform and collapse in bed.

My ex has the kids one night a week and random weekends, I am left juggling work, childcare, all the admin stuff, and have no friends who are single parents. They are either footloose and fancy free or in happy family units. My night off in the week is spent doing food shopping and housework. I moan at friends and family but don't feel like anyone understands what a lonely job it is.
Every time I have to speak to my ex or get an email from him I feel like I am going to pass out he stresses me out so much.

I try not to take it out on the dc but sometimes I shout at them and tie myself up in knots about what a bad Mum I am.

I can't think about a new relationship yet, but I have no idea how I would even sustain one considering I don't even have time to sit down and watch TV for half an hour in the evenings.

How old is your ds? I can't help thinking this will all get easier once they get a bit older.

I have no advice really, but am here to say I understand. We are not bad Mums, we are coping the best we can (repeat ad nauseum).

paneer Fri 01-Feb-13 15:01:09

I am/was fiercely independent. When I became single learnt that it was OK to reach out and ask for help, big and small. Even for someone to take DC for a short while to get my hair cut, or when I am unwell.

And it's a crap time of year generally. Spring will bring sunshine and warmth to us all .

marryinhaste Fri 01-Feb-13 15:41:47

I still feel like I'm new to all this, as stbxh left at the end of September (I also have a 4 and 2 year old 12stonelighter ). I have days where I feel like a crap Mum and shout far too much - usually when I've just had stbxh on the phone being useless (he "forgets" he is actually working on a day when he's promised to come see the kids, tells me I should have a hot meal on the table for them when I get in at 6pm, even though they are fed at nursery/childminder and he only sees them once a fortnight, so has no right to comment on my parenting regardless). But other days I realise what an amazing job I'm doing, and how much happier I actually am now that I don't have to try to maintain a marriage with stbx.

I guess your relationship ending will bring more feelings up - it's only natural, you're only human, and your DS will grow up knowing all you did for him.

DoubleYew Sun 03-Feb-13 14:12:23

I notice I get more stressed with ds when stbxh is stressing me out. What has helped is insisting phone calls are only in an emergency or for last minute lateness.

Everything else has to be in an email, then you can choose when to read it, choose when to answer it. You don't have to dread the phone ringing, being put on the spot while children climb up your leg.

If he is really bad I read on here a poster forwards all his emails to a friend who picks out anything that needs to be replied to, so the poster didn't need to read his abusive shite.

OP, it does sound like you are stretching yourself too thin. Can you ask ex to do more, don't justify it, just ask he should do more picking up. Ask anyone else to help out, even for a tiny thing, to give you a bit of space to recharge your batteries. For your sake and ds's. People like to give a little help as it gives them a boost to their feelings of worthiness.

12stonelighter50feettaller Sun 03-Feb-13 20:15:53

My best mate came to stay this weekend, it was so much easier having an extra pair of hands, my dc adore her and she let me.have a lie in and looked after the kids when I went to the supermarket! It has made me.realise that I need to ask for help more. I felt quite guilty at times when she was chasing after the kids in the park or when I was lying in bed til 9am, and was probably thanking her too profusely, but she told me off as she was enjoying herself, it wasn't a chore to her.

Hope you are okay OP smile .

cappuccinodays Sun 03-Feb-13 21:37:10

thanks you for your replies.I am so up and down :-( well, not so much "up" but coping and not coping if you see what i mean. I think the ending of this relationship following my divorce has knocked me. He brought me new hope but i feel back to square one. I really cannot imagine ever being in a relationship again, I feel so hurt and let down. I am confused and sometimes think i am still in love with my exH and also my ex partner? I just dont understand what is going on... at the same time i feel like i am trying to keep things together and i feel trapped in my life. I blame myself and the horrible things said by both exs ring in my mind :-( I just want to feel happiness, just a little. I also dont feel any bonding with my son, this must be due to depression.
12sl50ft, i am pleased you found some peace this weekend and thanks for asking about me :-)

cestlavielife Mon 04-Feb-13 12:11:50

get some help counselling via gp or join a grouy session for separated and divorced ; or jsut join a gym or active class to get some repsite/break and feel good about yourself

and when you spend time dwelling on your ex (es) tell yourself to stop and think of yourself in stead

12stonelighter50feettaller Tue 05-Feb-13 10:36:00

I second cestlavielife, maybe it is time to see your GP; it sounds like you may benefit from counselling, or even talking through medication available. I have been thinking about it myself, but am hoping the clouds will lift after a few months (breakup not that long ago, only September). I think you should also request your ex starts doing more, maybe school pick ups on days he has them, you will also see less of him then.

Try not to dwell on your exes, there is so much strength in not having anyone on your mind constantly sapping your energy. I am really enjoying not having any romantic interest to cloud my mind at the moment.

I also feel better when I have less contact with my ex; I haven't heard from him since Friday now and feel I am being a much better parent this week.

happyatlast Thu 07-Feb-13 12:40:37

I am in a similar situation, i have a 13yr old, an 8 yr old and a 2 yr old, i work part time, single obviously, all my mates are in relationships, I dont have any money to go out with mates or dating nor do I have the time, every day is spent taking kids places, doing their meals, fitting work inbetween this, I never have any time where its just me, as my children have different fathers it is very rare that they are all at their dads, so I cant see any opportunity of starting to date someone so I just dont bother looking, I havent been out since June last year, my life is just based around work and making sure my kids are fed, happy and are taken where they need to be taken. I spend most days watching go diego go and wonder bloody pets, and then when my youngest has fallen asleep at night time i make my tea and within half an hour of eating my tea I have crashed out on the sofa so still not watched anything on the tv and end up dragging myself to bed at around 8pm!! I wake up at 6am and it doesnt stop till gone 7pm every night.

I totally know where you are coming from. I also cant imagine anyone would ever want to take on someone with 3 children with different fathers who doesnt have time to ever see them, a lot of men are insecure about your kids fathers but I have 3 ex's on the scene and no man wants that!!

So there you are in a life is pretty much over well my social and private life anyway, but I love my kids dearly and wouldnt be without them, but its bloody hard!!

mummyummy Sat 09-Feb-13 22:36:09

Ladies.....I read all your posts and I can relate to most that has been said in some ways. I am not single officially yet,I am actually planning to file for divorce very soon,but the whole situation is having a negative impact on all of us. I feel let down and hurt that I have been robbed of my happiness. At times feeling stressed out and taking out on my 2 little boys by shouting at them then feeling guilty as it's none of their fault. Although I haven't started the divorce process I have this fear of the unknown,being a single parent with 2 kiddies. Sometimes I feel like I have lots of strength,other times I feel weak and would cry which does help me get back on my feet and try to be optimistic.

NewDadTrying Sun 17-Feb-13 05:25:27

I joined these forums looking for insights into my own situation, but I've had a good look round and felt compelled to respond. I had experience growing up in a broken home, and my mother struggled a great deal, and yes she would get short with my sister and I from time to time, but I was cognisant of why this was so. My only enduring wish at the time was that my mummy was happier. She didn't deserve the situation she was left with, as I am sure none of you do, but the last thing you should feel is guilty, and it is probably the last thing your dear little ones want you to feel either, as much as you love them remember that they love you too...

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