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Does anyone else feel like this?

(12 Posts)
kickassmomma Wed 30-Jan-13 16:46:10

I am a single mum to a dd aged 2.6. She sees her dad once a week for 10hours, she doesn't stay overnight.

Recently I have thought about the debate about co-parenting and that both parents are said to have an influence on said child's upbringing. My exp provides no good influence on dd at all. He feeds her crap, he doesn't stuck to anything that doctors advise.( my daughter is having SLT for eating difficulties) he does no follow any advice out SLT has advised. He leaves her in dirty nappies all day and changes her just before he brings her back. She also comes back stinking of fags (he doesn't smoke) which isn't the best for her as she has a respiratory condition.

Now before the harsh comments start jumping out. I have no plan nor will I ever have a plan to stop dd from seeing her farther. Much to the disappointment of a few people I believe dd must see her dad until she is old enough to decide for herself what she wants and even then I will encourage her to go with him even though he will never provides her with anything more than what I am already doing for her.
My main reason for posting I suppose is I am curious to know If any other single mums feel the same? And how to you not get angry and fed up with it?

DoubleYew Wed 30-Jan-13 18:15:28

I think all the stuff about co-parenting and a lot of bunfights on MN presume that every parent does the best for their children, puts them first, men will be great fathers if only given the chance by control freak mothers etc.

Considering a lot of women split up with men precisely because they are selfish feckers, it's hardly surprising those ones aren't much cop parenting on their own.

I do get annoyed stbxh is not the caring father, when he was the one who always wanted children. But one of the reasons we split is that he became unpleasant after ds was born and I didn't want ds to be too exposed to that. Now he sees him for a few hours (when he doesn't cancel) and they seem to have fun. He doesn't get as stressed with him as he doesn't have to deal with all the crappy bits - he doesn't believe he has tantrums as he's always so good with him - disney dad, buying him whatever rubbish he asks for, err, trying putting him to bed or dragging him on the bus when he's tired or getting him to eat decent food as two afternoons a week I know he's filled with sweets.

I know it makes me a bit of a martyr but I want to look back and know I put ds first even though it means my life is pretty much over, in that it only revolves around ds now (I live in a remore area, can't drive yet, no family around). Hopefully will get easier as he gets older.

I do think it's important they know their dad, even if when they are older they form the same view of them as we do. At least it's not a big gaping hole of having no dad. You probably know that it's especially important for girls as ones who don't have contact with their dads are more likely to lose their virginity earlier and be more promiscuous.

girliefriend Wed 30-Jan-13 20:45:37

Really doubleyew??

My dd has no contact with her dad, his choice, so now I have a young and promiscuous dd to worry about hmm

TBH when I read the op I thought well thank god I don't have to put up with that crap. I would hate having to hand my dd over to someone who wouldn't look after her properly, I understand that it is important in the ideal world for children to have both parents involved but I don't think they should have that contact at any cost.

I would much rather be in my situation than in op position even if that means my dd ends up being more promiscuous angry

bongobaby Wed 30-Jan-13 21:18:02

kick grit your teeth and hold on tight is how you get through all the anger,shit and nonsense. co parenting is out of the window when the exp is pants. All you can do is carry on being the good parent that you are.
You are right to let the relationship go ahead and then let your dd decide. nobody in this world can ever turn around and say that you never let her see her father. it amazes me that alot of people think why do you let him see her/him. End of the day he might well be a prize knobend but he is still the kids dad.
Try not to let it get to you, us single mums are superwomen,superhuman and beautiful role models to our kids.

kickassmomma Wed 30-Jan-13 21:18:30

Girliefriend I disagree too! I don't think they will loose there vicinity 'early' just because there dad isn't involved!! I was 16 when I lost mine and yes I did have my dad in my life but I saw him twice maybe 3 times a year for a few hours a time. He lives the otherwise of the country! I think it's about bringing up your child in the best way!

I admire you for doing it alone!! My ideal world would be dd not having contact with her dad but like I said I wouldn't ever stop them seeing each other. I hate the fact dd Ida and is not looked after very well! She
Comes back in a freshly changed nappy ( but with a nappy rash/ redness she didn't go with) and with some food in hr belly but becuse he won't adapt to her way she doesn't each much.
It's nice to know someone people don't think the child will grow up with Wrong perceptions If dad isn't around!! grin

DoubleYew Wed 30-Jan-13 23:31:30

Sorry I could have probably phrased that better but yes that is what has been found with some girls. I'm studying Child Development. It doesn't mean it's inevitable but if you take 100 girls who have great dads and 100 who don't, more of the girls who don't will behave that way. Plenty won't of course and some of the ones with great dads will, for other reasons. I don't have time to find the research right now (promised myself I would go to bed early and ds has already woken once). I know it's shit to be surrounded by messages that being a single parent harms your child, so sorry for adding to that but it's not an ideal situation for lots of reasons.

NoPartyDay Thu 31-Jan-13 09:36:59

I would keep an open mind since one research study is just one research study and many other variables come into play to influence children's happiness as they grow up.
I think the compromise you try to make with her Dad sets a lovely example for being fair and respecting others wishes/differences of opinions. However it's important not to lose sight of what makes you happy. If that means you have to go against your X Partners's wishes at times -so be it.

girliefriend Fri 01-Feb-13 11:33:59

To quote Oscar Wilde there are lies, damned lies and statistics, that is my feeling with that research! What on Earth would be the point of such research other than to make lone parents feel even worse than they already do??

Op I think its good you're keeping contact going, does he have parental rights? I imagine as your dd gets older contact will become more difficult as by the sounds of it she won't want to go!!

angelelle Fri 01-Feb-13 16:15:29

I disagree with the general consensus. I know families where the children have never met their dad and families where the dads dip in and out and those who do not have their dad at all actually seem to feel better about it as those who have the on off dads have to face disappointments such as forgotten birthdays etc which I think is almost worse.

My dd's dad has not seen her yet although apparently he intends to but who knows (she is 3.5 months). I am determined not to let him dip in and out and disappoint her. Either he steps up and is a positive influnce or he disappears. Fortunately I have the power to do this as he is not on the birth certificate.

And I am doing this as I believe it is in her best interest. It would break my heart to see her disappointed by a loser dad so better its just her and me if this is the case.

Just my opinion smile

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 01-Feb-13 16:21:53

Double yew is right I'm afraid, girls do seek out attention from males if they have self esteem issues tied in with abandonment of fathers. Does not mean that will be every single girl who's dad walked out though it all depends. I thought this was common knowledge?

kickassmomma Fri 01-Feb-13 19:50:29

Girlie friend yes he does have parental rights I'm always a believe that a child shud have their fathers name (if the parents are together and intend to stay together...... Obviously that doesn't always happen hense my case) so he was put on the both certificate and she has his last name smile

DoubleYew Sun 03-Feb-13 13:04:08

girliefriend, <cough> Mark Twain I think but I'll shut up now grin.

Seriously, this type of research is not done to make lone parents feel bad, it is to understand the impact that feckless, abandoning, unreliable "parents" have on children. If you know the reasons why young people behave in a certain way, you can begin to tackle it.

OP, I think there is no one size fits all when parents aren't together, you know your ex and you just have to keep re-evaluating the situation.

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