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sharing medical information with non-resident parent

(9 Posts)
hodgehegs Sun 27-Jan-13 00:15:01

DD is currently seeing a paediatrician for assessment with various issues including sensory processing, joint pains and low weight.

Her dad (my ex) regularly makes false allegations to social services that dd is at risk from me. They investigated in the summer and were happy with my care of her and her health and closed the case. However, he made a formal complaint to them based on a piece of information not being collected in the correct way and has demanded a re-investigation.

My question is - do I need to contact him with details of our appointments and the findings of the paediatrician? I don't want to leave myself open to yet more allegations of being negligent by not keeing him informed.

Is it my legal responsibility to keep him updated? The paediatrician said she could write to him if I wanted, but I am reluctant to share more info than I need to, as every time he gets any info he tries to turn it against me and use it to make another allegation.

I did just email him 2 pieces of advice about diet and sensory issues, and got a snotty reply saying that they were already doing the right things for dd at his house and he already has the book about sensory issues and wanted to know what I was doing about it here.

Anyone know how much info I am obliged to give? He makes no attempt to co-operate or co-parent with me, only to dig for information which he then uses to try and portray me as an unfit mother to people he considers an authority, so I would like to limit my communication with him as much as possible.

DD is not receiving any treatment yet btw, we are still at the investigating stages and waiting for referrals to the appropriate health departments.

DoubleYew Sun 27-Jan-13 11:33:02

He sounds vile. I think it actually goes in your favour that she is seeing a paed and waiting for referrals as he can't claim you are ignoring her issues.

My ex is not as bad. I send short emails summarising what they have picked out as concerning and what is the next step, any meds etc. I don't get drawn into his debate about what nonesense he thinks, just doc said X and leave it at that. We went to mediation and I think this was one thing in my favour that I was already doing this so he couldn't complain about being left in the dark.

But I can understand why you are reluctant in your situation. Do you have a solicitor? Or ask over in Legal section?

Hold on to the fact that SS were not interested. They are used to people making trouble, unfortunately. And engaging in services such as you are will be seen as positive by everyone.

Have you had any contact with Women's Aid? They can talk it through and help you decide how to tackle these situations. The good thing is you won't have to convince them that your ex is unreasonable, they will be familiar with this type of man and how to deal with him.

porridgeLover Sun 27-Jan-13 11:45:37

<Deep breath>
hodgehegs, I understand this as I have gone through it with my ex and come out the other side.
Another guy who wants to look wonderful for authorities but also tries to undermine me at every opportunity....and woe betide me if he has had a 'stressful' day.
My ex wanted to continue to be 'in charge' of me and DC after he left. When I realised what was going on, I gradually put things back to him.

Everything re DC is through email. That way, there is a clear record of what he has, and the fact that he was invited to attend appointments. (In fact, i have asked him to bring the DC to their appointments but it 'never suits'. That goes on the record).
I copy all appointments and reports to him.
I copy the school info and let him know about parents evenings.
When he has asked me for information above this, I now tell him that it is best if he contact the relevant person himself so that he has the correct information (which of course he never does, but at least he cant say that I am twisting the info to him).
Mine wont even get the books or acknowledge that DS has a SN. Apparently I make it all up to draw attention to myself hmm

MOST importantly, I never let myself get upset in front of him with regards to his attitude. I never get angry (any more), I never cry. He wants that response so I wont give it to him.

hodgehegs Sun 27-Jan-13 23:20:03

Thank you DoubleYew and porridgeLover sad porridgeLover, you have summed it up perfectly, it's all about control (sorry to hear you've had similar experiences)

I sent him an email today, just the 2 suggestions from the paediatrician, and nothing else. Got a response back saying they there was no problem at theirs, they already do the right thing, and he had already got the suggested resources.

When I asked how, he said he was being "kept well informed" by SS and paed. So if he is getting the info direct from them, presumably there's no need for me to contact him, which would be a massive stress off me as I won't have to deal with thinly veiled snidey comments back, or him fishing for info to include in his next allegation.

Yes, I feel some consolation that I cannot be accused of ignoring any potential medical issues, but still feels like he is exercising control over me, having me monitored and reports made to him from authorities, rather than speaking to me directly as a human being and dd's mother. He'll be loving that feeling of power. Has no interest in working in with me for the well being of dd, only in trying to get one over on me and make himself look superior!

I did have a brief meeting with a solicitor last week (£45 for 15 mins, most of which was form filling to see if I am eligible for legal aid!). I was so rushed to get in my questions about applying for residency (no point) and what I can do to protect myself from these allegations (nothing), that I forgot to ask about the info sharing. Not sure it's worth the expense to make another appt for just one question. I have tried numerous times to contact Women's Aid in the past, but their phone lines are always so busy I have never got through, that's why I thought I'd give it a try on here incase someone already knew. I managed to get through to Column once, so might give them another go.

Thank you.x

DoubleYew Sun 27-Jan-13 23:48:21

Really? I've always got through to WA. Try your local branch, I can email mine.

Sorry to hear he is being like this but sadly I think you have to accept he is unreasonable and work out ways to cope with it, rather than expecting him to suddenly start treating you like a human being.

Hope you get the legal aid.

hodgehegs Tue 29-Jan-13 22:26:08

Oh, thanks for the tip re women's aid. I think I only have the one main number, so will search around for a local one.

I am currently eligible for legal aid, but did you know they are scrapping it? My solicitor told me. I think it stops in April this year.

Had a call from SS today and asked them my question. They said it would be a good idea to keep informing him of any medical appts, if only so that he can't claim I'm not doing it! They know what he's up to and are keen to close the case asap.

Yes, a personality change for the better has an almost zero chance of happening, so just got to keep going and trying not to dwell on it.


DoubleYew Wed 30-Jan-13 17:40:00

It should still be available in domestic abuse cases, although I don't know how they decide on that. I'm in Scotland where there are no changes, thankfully.

hodgehegs Mon 11-Feb-13 20:55:55

Hi double yew, re the legal aid, my solicitor said it's domestic violence and child abuse that it's still available for. Apparently making false allegations to the police and social services isn't enough of a crime! sad

RedHelenB Tue 12-Feb-13 08:44:21

I would let the peadiatrician write to him, no need for you to.

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