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Mums of parents where bio dad has no contact

(23 Posts)
perceptionreality Sat 12-Jan-13 21:26:08

Do ever send photos of your dc? My dd's dad won't even admit that he's her father. I have no desire to update him about her. But if I don't is it possible she could hold it against me in the future?

perceptionreality Sat 12-Jan-13 21:26:47

I mean mums of children of course! Sorry, feeling tired

VBisme Sat 12-Jan-13 21:29:49

I don't think if he doesn't even aknowledge her then she'll not blame you.

Have you tried to contact her paternal grandparents?

perceptionreality Sat 12-Jan-13 21:44:49

He has a brother who keeps on my facebook friends list so that he can see her pictures and ask after her. His parents don't speak English and his brother doesn't want them to find out because he says they'll be very upset that he has a child who he doesn't want to know.

iwantanafternoonnap Sat 12-Jan-13 21:46:05

No and nor would I. My Ex has made his decision and so he has to live with the fact that he now has no right whatsoever to see how DS is growing and changing.

I very much doubt DS or any child would blame a parent about not sending photo's. I don't even know where my Ex lives now. I think if these useless, selfish men ever step up to the mark and start parenting then you can always give them photo's then.

Meglet Sat 12-Jan-13 21:48:50

No, I don't know where he lives anymore and he was a useless piece of work. I'm happier lying low and hoping he doesn't appear.

I'm in touch with his family and we see them a few times a year but XP is never mentioned.

Sirzy Sat 12-Jan-13 21:50:03

I would never stop him from seeing DS but I am not going to do anything to force contact. He knows where we live so as an adult he can make the choice to see him or not.

perceptionreality Sat 12-Jan-13 21:53:55

Tbh I would not want to have to see him anyway. I do not think he would add anything positive to her life. It is just that I was wondering about whether I should send pictures so as to be able to explain this to dd when she's older. I think I won't do it though.

timeforatalk Sat 12-Jan-13 21:54:00

No. My case slightly different as DD is 18 and has chosen not to have further contact with her father. I did a great deal to encourage/support contact when she was little but now I respect her choice. BUT she does at least know her Dad, has the info to make her own choice. She isn't fantasising about an absent father and creating an idealised picture in her head.

What would you have to lose by sending photos?

OneMoreGo Sat 12-Jan-13 22:45:48

I am the (now grown up) child in this situation. I have never met my dad. As far as I know I don't think my mum ever bothered sending him stuff, because he never wanted me to be born in the first place and left her when she was pregnant. But I kind of wish she had in some way. I guess to give him at least he opportunity to step up and become more involved if he suddenly felt moved to do so... I sometimes wonder if he ever wondered about me, iyswim.

InTheNightGarden Sat 12-Jan-13 22:52:31

my dd is 20months... bio dad hasn't been around since she was 6months although he was barely around in those first 6 months either.... he's now a drug taking, drinking tosser...who's also not long been out of a mental hospital.... he use to stalk me, try and break into my house, take dd! he now has nothing to do with her, nore does any of his family (theyre all wasters)one of which even went as far to wish dd dead when she was born premature! and we were together at that point! .... I wouldn't waste my time, money keeping any of them updated!! my dd is Much better off not knowing about her real bio dad!

mummycare Sun 13-Jan-13 13:25:39

Sometimes i think we need to think of the bigger picture.. Just think you can have a hassle free life with no one to row with and no agruments for the rest of your lives.. If he is not so bothered.. why are you.. she will see him for what he is.. and as long as you bring her up with the truth and double the amount of love and keep her vey well balanced she will be better with out an adult around her that is not a great role model.. take it from me i was that child and now am a single parent and my kids are so much better than i was because i chose the truth and honesty and so much love path for my kids..
Please dont let an absent person/bad ex affect your child.. just show her the right way to be and love her no matter what..

DoubleYew Sun 13-Jan-13 14:25:25

I think you have to be able to say to dd when she is older that you did xyz to encourage contact eg when she was born you let him know, invited him to meet her this many times. You want her to realise that its not your fault for withdrawing any chance he had to be involved but that it was his choice not to know her.

Ultimately you have plenty on your plate raising a child on your own, so you have to find a balance between making an effort with him and getting on with your life.

The fact that you keep in contact with her uncle is good because it gives her father a way of getting back in touch, he can't claim you just disappeared and he had no way of finding you. She might be curious to see family photos from his side when she is older so that is something you could prepare for her.

Very sad about the grandparents. I would be be very upset if my ds behaved so badly to his child but that would make me determind to have a relationship with the child. However, especially if you don't speak a common language, I'm not sure you can address that yourself.

perceptionreality Sun 13-Jan-13 16:00:06

Thank you for your replies - they have definitely given me food for thought in a number of ways. It is such a difficult one. If I email some photos that doesn't cost me anything I suppose.

angelelle Mon 14-Jan-13 00:09:14

My dd father has never seen her, she is now 3 months old. There has been sporadic contact via text message or email initiated by me in terms of sending him pictures and updating him but he has shown very little interest. I let the grandparents know she had arrived so that they could choose whether or not to have contact. They are divorced and both have been in touch via email to thank for the photos but not shown any huge interest in having a relationship with her (their loss in my mind). I think that whether you send pictures or not, if the dad is not interested in being a part of your childs life it wont make any difference but at least you can say you tried. I feel like I have made every effort to allow her father...despite his actions during my pregnancy be involved in her life. So far he has chosen not to and tbh I plan to stop with this contact, he knows where we are if he ever wants to see her. However, at least I can look DD in the eyes when she's older and say I tried.

It is a personal thing though and I understand all the emotions surrounding situations like these and no two are the same.

Best of luck xx

TheSecondComing Mon 14-Jan-13 00:14:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InLoveWithDavidTennant Mon 14-Jan-13 01:11:21

im 31 and my dad left when i was 3. my mum has no idea why, apparently he left a note on the table when we were out, they got divorced and he wasnt seen or heard from again.

she wont blame you, i have never blamed my mum. we are as close as we can be and we have a brilliant relationship. she's my best friend grin

however, my mum never met anyone else, and things like fathers day in school, guides, brownies etc was quite tough for me. while all the children made fathers day cards, i had to sit by myself and do something else. also when people always asked "what does your dad do then?" i had no way of answering and found it really uncomfortable. i also, from the age of 18-26, found it really hard to deal with and was quite bitter about it too. i went off the rails and got depressed, and him abandoning me was what i kept focussing on on my "down days". there was a period of time where i thought it was all my fault. i dont think that now... im bloody great and he's missed out grin

im not saying that this will happen to your dd, im just trying to say that when she's older, she might think more about it, and she might have some of the same feelings i did.

im probably not helping in any way by saying all this... but just wanted to give you a different perspective.

perceptionreality Mon 14-Jan-13 10:57:01

It's ok, InLove - I am glad to hear from anyone who had a similar situation my dd has/will have. There is no getting away from the fact that it isn't an ideal situation.

TSC - yes I agree with you. Just because someone is a parent biologically, does not mean that will transform them into a decent person overnight when they weren't one before. As far as I'm concerned, this man has nothing at all positive to add to her life. The relationship I had with him was a bad choice I made when I was ill. He is a selfish, angry man who believes that his happiness comes exclusively above the needs of everyone else. If my dd does ever look for him I think she will be disappointed with what she finds.

BarbJohnson5 Fri 18-Jan-13 00:16:08

No i don't think your child will hold anything against you. Its the father's choice whether or not he chooses to see or stay in his child(ren's) lives. My ex has abandoned his children just because i chose to end our non existent marriage. He was never around and i suspected infidelity during his many months travelling abroad, but my children and i were prepared for his negative reaction, as it happened in 2007 when i left him. My children have been physically and mentally abused by him and they know that i've done all that i can to make the marriage work for 17 years, but their father didn't make things easy for himself. He lied, manipulated and bullied us for many years. I wanted things to stay amicable for their sakes, but when he came into my home in April/May last year and continued verbally abusing me and my 14 year old daughter, then denying the baby i'd had more than enough. He doesn't support his children financially because he's spiteful, wicked and selfish, but i do my best to make sure my children aren't affected negatively by his behaviour. The fact that he's chosen to live outside the UK has given us the freedom that we didn't have 4 years ago of not walking on egg shells or fretting that he's going to embarrass the kids in public. We now have what i call a 'normal' life compared to the nightmare we were subjected to living with and under.
Children are smart, so if you talk to your kids about the situation i'm sure they will understand when they're of a certain age.

twentyfourhours Fri 18-Jan-13 11:56:00

DS is a teenager now and he's never had contact with his bio father (abusive, currently in prison). I have left it open for his dad to make contact, but I've never chased him, I would find it a bit degrading. DS is mature enough to understand (and has never idealised his dad thankfully) and I'm sure it's been more beneficial for him to have a stable home life rather being around the type of person his dad is.

I've raised DS in an urban area and I don't think he's been affected by the whole 'father's day/what your dad does' kind of thing, since there are so many different family models here. I think it's probably worse if you live somewhere more suburban where the nuclear family is seen exclusively as the norm.

mypussyiscalledCaramel Fri 18-Jan-13 12:03:11

If I have school photos, I send my ex one. Last time I put a little comment in aswell, very childish, but I don't care.

Last time I saw him in the flesh, he walked right past us without saying a word.


whateveritakes Fri 18-Jan-13 20:36:39

You have to remember it different times now. I know full well that my name and address would pop up on lot's of different sites and I'm on Facebook. Therefore my DS knows it's my Ex's choice not to find him and it's not down to me.
he can draw his own conclusions. Thanks to mumsnet I contacted the CSA who are taking money off him. He still has made no contact.

I have told my son he can spend his Dad's money on a massive blow out when he's 18!!! Cheers ! (I have sensible car/uni/house savings for him that my family have provided).

perceptionreality Fri 18-Jan-13 21:58:58

That's a very good point whateveritakes - he certainly could get in touch if he really wanted to and his own family is on my facebook.

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