Advanced search

Is it right that..

(10 Posts)
mummycare Sat 12-Jan-13 18:34:25

me and ex have never seen eye to eye on bringing up kids and much more etc..
he works shifts and they are all over the place and not regular at all.
he wants to see the kids and them to sleep over more even though the kids dont want to go and tell him this on a regular basis.
on the days he is working he wants his girlfriend soon to be wife to look after them instead of him being there.. Surely thats not right.
i have never met her and because of all the lies he has told her she apparently wont meet me, but not bothered really.. 1 child has special needs too.

HollyBollyBooBoo Sat 12-Jan-13 19:16:12

I am not an expert, but from what I have gleaned on here if you agree with ExP that he can have the children at specified times, I don't think you can then say who he introduces them to or who they spend time with - I assume this extends to who looks after them.

I guess looking at it from the other side - would you accept ExP telling you who could spend time with your DC or having to get his approval as to who provides their childcare?

Far from ideal I agree. Happy to be told otherwise by other more experienced people!

mummycare Sat 12-Jan-13 19:22:18

But surely if the main sole career has the child for 80/90 per cent of the time and you.. its going to be the case and with babysitter etc.. but not if your ex wants them in his care and makes a massive fuss of wanting more access..

I cant beleive this is acceptable.. they have enough nights and days off of there kids, is it too much to ask that the days they want them they are the ones looking after them.. what is this world coming to.. palming everyone off.. lol..

DoubleYew Sat 12-Jan-13 20:54:55

You can ask him to agree to right of first refusal. So if either of you are busy you ask the other one first before anyone else to babysit.

Time spent with the parents is important, it shouldn't just be a competition to get them more.

Older children should have a say in who they spend time with imo.

confusedmuch Sat 12-Jan-13 21:00:58

I would expect to know who is looking after my kids esp sn because you have to communicate instructions/routines etc. Not an issue for me since I have mine 100% time but a friend is stepmum to dsd with sn and has 2 dcs of her own so whenever she also has his kid she makes a point of keeping her mum up to date and when they first got together she initiated contact (only cos he is a bit useless really and him and ex weren't talking much). We all figured if it was our kids we wouldn't want strangers looking after them so despite the potential for awkwardness it has worked out ok. There have been hospital visits etc that would have been much more dramatic if there hadn't been decent communication going on already for example.

Personally I think if kids are there to see their dad then that's what should happen and if you aren't happy with someone else then let them go another time when dad is available?

mummycare Sat 12-Jan-13 21:35:35

My kids are 8 & 9 and they are very very far ahead for their age. All teachers and childminders have said. Today we all sat down as a family with the ex there about what we all want for this year and the future to discuss things as a family and they told their dad how any times they wanted to see him per onth and when. As the kids did not want to see there dad much, when they left the table he said that i had put them up to it and that he had rights to be able to see his kids more.. No-one pushed answers on anyone it was an open subject the kids also have more homework and want to see their friends more than there dad. so for grief from my ex not had a good day today.

confusedmuch Sat 12-Jan-13 22:03:51

You have done well, you are your children's advocate, you have all sat down and had a very adult conversation and if your ex wants to be a child about it he can take it to court and see what a judge says. Bet he doesn't bother! Chin up, you are sticking up for your kids and you have done a good job raising kids that know what they want grin

mummycare Sat 12-Jan-13 22:18:45

Thank you i have always thought the best way is to be fair and honest and truthfull to my kids but most parents i have come accross dont agree and they say that i should pretend etc. My mum divorced when i was 9 always hid the truth from me and when i became a teenager and found it all out for my seself and saw the lies it really did screw me up to about the age of 30. so it is important for me to be open and honest and explain things clearly and fairly. For once in my life i will take that welll done from you smile

HollyBollyBooBoo Sun 13-Jan-13 09:57:02

That is an amazing example you've set there muumycare and one I'll be noting for the future!

mummycare Sun 13-Jan-13 12:29:06

ps i forgot to mention that he does go mad if i have any men around the kids.. i have a lot of men friends and always did have before him and whilst i was with him, but he drove them all away with his horrible ways. but now i have them back and more and yes he does make it very clear that who do i have coming into their lives. All my childcare is via ofsted reg people and also with lots of special needs exp too. so i would say that from my side i have made sure i cover things well. I even had a 2 year relationship with someone and never intorduced them to the kids a0 because of the fear of what ex would say b) i realised that perhaps he was lovely but didnt think he was father materiel and he was fine with the relationship away from the kids..

I really do tink out everything i do and i make sure i do it in the interest of the kids and not the interest of me at all. So for someone to treat me this way really does seem far to mean.. feeling very down about it still today.. but i am glad a couple of you like the way i have been handling things and thank you.. if i can pass anything on to broken families is that as a 20year plus adult you will suffer and all the research in the world they only ask the under 15's if they have suffered. I have made enquiries and this is honestly true. So think today for all your kids furtures.. i am sure someone will delete me for saying this.. but it is my view only and how i have suffered and my friends and their kids..

Thank you again. xx

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now