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After advice please.

(10 Posts)
Foxy800 Mon 07-Jan-13 09:02:16

DD is 6 and currently her Dad has her as and when he can in terms of childcare, due to his and my work. Otherwise his friend or relations have her. Ex dp only occasionally sees her at weekends and then it is usually at mine.
Ex doesnt know what he is working till the week before as he is a cover security guard.

ANyway from the beginning of february I am changing my hours at work so I can do more of the childcare myself rather than relying on friend and relatives. I will be working school hours but also school holidays, the same hours.

My question is, as i want dd to see her dad as much as possible, what is a fair amount of access.

All the while he is living where he is he cant have her overnight, he has a room in a flat share so not suitable.

Thanks in advance.

purpleroses Mon 07-Jan-13 20:31:22

What does he want? And how flexible are you prepared to be around his work? If he can't have her overnight where he lives it might be good if she could do, say, one night a week with his mum or whoever just to give him a bit more chance to really be a parent to her. Gives you a night out too. What's his shared house like? My DCs used to do one night a week with their dad in a shared house and it wasn't too bad.

Foxy800 Mon 07-Jan-13 21:06:44

Im happy to offer whatever is what is the norm (for want of a better word). I havent yet asked him as he will just say it depends on work. I am more than happy for him to have her overnight at his Dad's, his Mum's would only work in school holidays or weekends due to distance to school.

Even he has said she cant stay at his place, if he was at his old shared house I would be more than happy for her to be there overnight but he has moved to a cheaper one where he is in the box room, room for a bed ans tv and thats about it and it is really disgusting and unsuitable.

Just didnt know what was the best to offer though, that's all.

purpleroses Mon 07-Jan-13 21:47:14

The "norm" if you can call it that seems to be every other weekend, or possibly one night a week when DCs are young. And possibly some midweek/evening access too if the ex is keen and nearby. But I think the thing you need to ask yourself is how much you need it to be fixed (for your own sake) and how much you can afford to be flexible around your ex's work commitments. If your ex's dad will care for DS that could enable your ex to take on a regular commitment, and use his dad as childcare if he has to work, which would mean you know where you stand a bit better, and your ex starts to think and act more like a parent who has responsibilities rather than a visiting uncle or something who can pick and choose entirely when he sees his child. But if that's not practical, then you could agree to, say, one night a week and/or one whole day of each weekend, and agree which one it is once he knows when he's working.

If you're working school holidays, would your ex commit to having your DS a certain number of weeks in the school holidays? Otherwise you'll have to use holiday clubs (which are fine where I live, and probably where you are too, but might also be nice for him to see his dad)

Foxy800 Mon 07-Jan-13 21:57:40

We have already discussed school holidays and I wil use some of my holiday then, then either ex will do it or his parents.

Will sit down with him and discuss what we he wanted to commit to as not sure what he would want to do.

Thanks for the replies.

DoubleYew Mon 07-Jan-13 22:03:30

My ex only finds out on Sat or Mon what he is working that week <sigh>. He is supposed to let me know as soon as he finds out his rota. Ds is not at school and I don't work (yet) so its easier to be flexible.

Does he always get two days off or could he be working every day some weeks and hardly anything others?

I would propose the overnights at his Dad's, good for everyone. Coming to my house, does my head in.

Normal contact really varies, some people do 50:50, some people do every other weekend plus one night during the week, some do random day every few months.

My ex is happy with twice a week but usually cancels one or makes it only for an hour as he has an "emergency".

Foxy800 Tue 08-Jan-13 19:22:24

Thank u for reply. Sorry for delay. Been at work. I have spoken to him and all he has said is he will let me know each week when he knows.Some weeks he works loads others less. Oh and he told me he forgot he had dd after school friday and has made plans he doesnt want to change so is going to ask his friend!!!Sometimes wonder if he even wants to see her!!!

lostdad Wed 09-Jan-13 12:18:38

Foxy800 - you say `What is a fair amount of access?'

Fair for who? Your ex or your daughter? Please, please, please don't go down the `normal contact' routine. Your first and last consideration should be (after discussing with your ex) what is in her best interests. Once you have agreed on that (easier said then done definitely!) things get easier.

It's his job to care for your DD as much as yours. She's as much his responsibility as yours and he should put her first as you should. You and your ex should regard each other as an ally in raising her...and not an opponent!

Things change over time too: What is in her best interests now may not be next month, next year or in 5 years. As long as you keep talking and are both flexible your DD will grow up knowing her Mum and Dad both love her so much they will work together for her sake even if they are no longer together.

purpleroses Wed 09-Jan-13 13:16:40

Don't knock that he's going to ask a friend - getting my ex to see his comitments to having the DCs when he'd said he would rather than just saying "sorry, can't have them on XXX" was something that took me years!

If he relies on others to have your DD when he can't he is at least accepting that she is his responsibility too. Don't feel it's always your job to step in and say he that she should always be with you if he has to work when he's said he'll have her. As long as she's well cared for spending time with grandparents or friends is fine.

Foxy800 Wed 09-Jan-13 20:23:23

Lostdad, i am asking this question as i am looking at my daughter's best interests and also want to be fair to my ex, who by the way walked out on us, but I want to be fair to him and especially dd as she adores her Dad and I want that relationship to continue.

And of course it is as much his responsibility as mine but sadly I dont feel he sees it this way, dd still wakes several times a night, (he cant have her at his but could at relatives) but he has never offered to take her overnight to spend time with her. He has her for childcare when he is not working but will often not worry about seeing her weekends even when he can.

Purplerose i have no problem he asks his friend to do it when we are both working, dd adores her, and also grandparents in the holidays, the reason i am annoyed about friday is it is not for work or anything like that he has asked his friend to do it, it is purely social.

Sorry for delays in replying, been at work today.

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