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Semi-Unhappy Vs Single Parent

(6 Posts)
summerinthesun Wed 02-Jan-13 12:13:11

Hi Deepgreensea,

I split from my husband 6 months ago and I still question it every day. Mostly because of how I feel and how my DD feels.

She is almost 2 and she loves him, and she has been so happy having him staying with us over Xmas. The first thing she has said every morning is Daddy? And I feel so cruel that I could take him away from her again.

But at the same time, I sometimes feel she is a bit better without him there. Over the last few days we've been fighting which has really upset her. And he interferes with her meal times by distracting her, then forcing her to eat. And he deliberately provokes her for a reaction.

I also felt he was abusive towards me, which is why I had no doubts about leaving (but now the opposite as I'm wondering about letting him back). I felt he was ruining my relationship with my daughter by constantly putting me down, making me shout and being unhappy.

But on the other hand it is really hard being a single parent. Probably harder for me as I'm pregnant, so had no support at a difficult time. I have also moved to a new area, so have no friends near by.

My husband has been staying with us over xmas and I can't believe what a help it has been.

Are you living separately now? If you haven't done counselling I think you certainly should, just so you are confident yourself that you made the right decision.

Deepgreensea Tue 01-Jan-13 22:21:20

Thank you for your replies.

I was really quite unhappy in the relationship. ExP says he fully understands why I have ended up feeling the way I do, and he accepts most of the responsibility.

He is showing remorse and is working at being a better person. I have been enjoying his company again.

Financially, I am only slightly worse off than when we were together. I can manage.

Relationship counselling might be an option. Thanks for that suggestion.

We have spent a lovely few days together over Christmas and New Year (for the benefit of the kids)- now I am back to being a single parent and work tomorrow.

NilentSight Tue 01-Jan-13 16:00:00

I think you need to look at what you have both done to rebuild your marriage really. Have you had counselling, together or individually to get to the root of the issues ? How long have things been difficult ? How much of it is due to the 'normal' pressures of life with a young family, and the inevitable changes that occur in a long term relationship ?

My ex husband was/is abusive, and he ended up having an affair so i am very glad that I am no longer in that relationship. But if I had the choice to go it alone, or work at some resolvable issues, I'd fight tooth and nail not to be a single parent every time. i have a number of friends and family members who walked away from their marriages because they were a bit bore, a bit resentful of the drudge of life with small kids, a bit fed up of having no money - IMO all of this are issues which could be resolved.

VBisme Tue 01-Jan-13 09:58:36

Were you really unhappy, or just a bit fed up?

Splitting up will have a huge impact on your finances (assuming that you're used to having 2 wages coming in), and on your children.

Could you cope with exP starting a new relationship, possibly having a second family? It's very difficult to handle.

I'd never suggest someone stay in an unhappy relationship as it does no-one any good long term. But have you thought about couples counselling? Make sure you've checked every avenue before you make a final decision.

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Tue 01-Jan-13 08:30:59

TBH it sounds like you did the right thing in ending it - The hardest part is done.

I don't think people really ever change, despite promises made.

Being a single parent was definitely the right choice for me (vs being unhappy)

Deepgreensea Tue 01-Jan-13 08:26:06

My exP and I separated a couple of months ago. We have had regular contact, and have mostly enjoyed being around each other.

The split was my decision. ExP says he fully understands where our relationship went wrong and will do anything to put it right.

Thing is, I can't imagine my life without him. I can't imagine wanting to be in a relationship with anyone else. I am at ease in my own company and I worship my DCs.

In some ways we are really good together. But in other ways he can be moody; selfish etc......

How much is it worth putting up with the negatives to keep my family unit? The kids want him back - but they seem to cope better when he isn't here.

Lets be honest, no relationship is perfect. But how many imperfections do you tolerate before it is better to move on?

Perhaps I need Christmas over with and get back to the reality of work; stress etc?

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