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Suggestions please

(5 Posts)
Wereonourway Wed 26-Dec-12 19:41:19

Posted before re ex and contact with our 2 year old ds.
I went to solicitor and offered 2x overnight per week as well as every Sunday from 10am til 4pm. Ex is a bully and I shouldn't have agreed to this but I did and he has had 2 months of this agreement.
In that time he has cancelled Sunday contact or cut it short 3 or 4 times or turned up hungover having not gone to bed til 5/6/7am.
I take ds to nursery and pick him up from ex's 2 mornings per week. Since agreement started ex has failed to have ds ready for me, in fact I have to go to his to get ds up and ready otherwise I'd ne late for work. We are talking 7.30 in the morning here.
Ex held Xmas over me as it happened to land on his night, I stupidly invited him to mine because I couldn't have bared to be away from ds. Big mistake, ex will never be allowed near my home, he was verbally abusive on Xmas morning cos ds is clingy(as in he doesn't really bother with his dad cos his dad does very little with him/for him). I realise I was so so wrong to have him here, and for agreeing to that amount of contact in first place but I've finally finally had enough of being bullied into things by him and realise that ex does not provide enough for ds, he doesn't bath him/ read to him etc.i have an app with my solicitor on Friday and need to think about how to go about reducing access.
I'm scared of him, or of his reactions. I have in to his demands previously and he has not stepped up one bit, I need to stop worrying about his reactions and act for my ds.
I have kept a texts and a diary of failed contact etc but I really have no idea what to offer.
Can anyone hold my hand or offer any advice on what you would do in same circumstances please?
I do have a women's aid outreach worker who has been fabulous and who is aware of ex's bullying behaviour and is aware of my fears. Hate being in this situation

Piemother Wed 26-Dec-12 20:44:59

Ugh sounds like a shocking man child.
What contact did he ask for initially?
I think re the overnights unless he can show he can care for your ds adequately then you can knock those on the head.

Piemother Wed 26-Dec-12 20:49:43

Sorry had to refer back to the op. are you saying you collect him and take him to nursery? Why can ex bit do this?
Sounds like he is letting you do all the donkey work and still not pulling his weight with his child. The missing contact due to nights out is v unreasonable though do you want him looking after ds v hungover?
I thi n you need to thi n about what level/type of contact you are comfortable with and offer this and see what happens.
You can look up suggested a&e appropriate contact on the mediation sites. I think up to 3 it's half a day in the week and an overnight at wends or something like that. IMO 2x overnights was reasonable and generous but he's not up to looking after him for that long hmm

Wereonourway Wed 26-Dec-12 21:00:25

He is the definition of narcissistic and very very unreasonable. He thinks he is a good dad, he really does, that's what's so hard to deal with.
Until he accepts he isn't then surely he isn't gonna improve is he??
We split in August and initially I was fully flexible( just plain stupid) around his self employment/ his football/ social life. I still got verbal abuse.
I went to solicitor to formalise things and after a cpl of letters back and forth agreed to his demands( stupid again). He said he would step up, he was just as much a parent as me etc.
Last letter from solicitor agreed to his request of 2 overnights and every Sunday. That was at end of oct, I've a list a mile long of reasons this has failed. Drink/ hangovers/ football etc as well as a phone full of abusive/ threatening and nasty texts.
I feel heartbroken that I'm sending ds off to someone just cos I'm scared of his reaction if I lessen contact although I'm fairly sure if it got as far as court no one would disagree with my reasons.
I feel like I've put myself in knots by trying to agree even though in my heart I know it's not best for son( I hate being parted from him- purely selfish) but I also know he is better of with me and that the current contact arrangements aren't what's best for him.
I've been an idiot over Xmas, cos it fell on his night he assumed he would have him( doesn't cook at all, didn't put tree up, takes him to his grans on a Sunday who cooks for them).
Every week I've had texts and calls saying "enjoy Xmas dinner alone, your son won't be with u Xmas morning, turkey for one etc" and caved in and asked ex here so I didn't have to miss out. It backfired massively and family have made me realise I shouldn't cave in to his bullying, I know what's best for ds etc.
Have told ex I will continue with current arrangement until I see sol again as his mum is visiting from abroad and deserves time with her grandson just don't know what to au to solicitor, would she suggest arrangement? Based on my evidence of past couple of months or should I??
How will his bullying be perceived?? I've always seen it separately, he can call me what he wants of he is a good dad but he isn't. As I said no baths, sometimes sleeps on clothes/ doesn't (can't!) get ds dressed for me. Picking him up( and driving with ds) after only 2 hours sleep.
I really don't know what to do

Wereonourway Wed 26-Dec-12 21:03:30

Ex cannot do nursery pick ups as his van is unsafe. Failed mot and deemed dangerous. He is still driving it but I won't allow ds in it for obvious reasons. It's also untaxed and uninsured

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