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Please help with contact advice!....

(9 Posts)
shanelle5 Wed 26-Dec-12 19:20:26

Hi all, and a Merry Christmas firstly.
Well im struggling to know which route to go down and really in need of advice please, its rather long/complicated.
I have a lovely 6 week old DS, partner left me when I was 33 weeks pregnant, was devastated at the time but now im out of the relationship am starting to see that even though it has been hard it was the best thing for me - and DS I believe as ex DP was and continues to be verbally abusive,controlling,lying and manipulative. I had an awful 3 years with him but as his behaviour was due to him having severe MH issues (he has BPD and is an alcoholic) I made excuses for him and thought that he would get better with the therapy and meds he was on. He did make progress but has quit all his "help" since we split, insisting there is nothing wrong with him and that the problem was ALL me and that everything was my fault sad- this was typical in our relationship, and led to me believing all the put downs and having very low self esteem. Our relationship is still very stormy now and I have been contacted by childrens services and the MHT team as hes seen as a possible risk, they have helped me see he was abusive and advised me to contact womens aid but thats another story (or anothr thread)
The social worker is telling me he (ex DP) should not be dropping round here unnanounced and that he should not be having unsupervised visits due to dropping out of all help from MHT so without an assesment she advises he sees DS in a contact center.
I have not followed this up so far as
1) I want LO to have a Daddy and to try my hardest to let him make up his own mind about ex DP and not turn him against him, even though its going to be very hard as hes really nasty sad I read these threads often and see for the majority, Mums get advised to put their kids feelings first, bite their tongue and let them have a relationship with their Fathers. I agree but GOSH its hard!
2) I havnt followed it up as I dont think ex DP will bother seeing DS if its under those circs. He is rather selfish and although he clearly loves DS and visits him most days thats because he can come when he pleases and bath/change/wind the baby then go when it suits him. He has 2 other DS's who were taken into care last year and when he was meant to see them weekly for visits in a contact center he didnt go after the initial couple of times a he hated the center and being watched/judged. So he did not see his poor DS's from June to December, 7 months just because HE didnt like it. What a selfish man, not able to put his childrens needs before his own shock
Part of me really wants to do anything so my lovely baby boy has a Daddy at all costs despite myself finding contact with him horrible as I feel intimidated and anxious at his visits, part of me thinks my DS would fare better with just 1 loving stable parent. Am confused, still recovering from my relationship with EX and struggling to make, and stick to, a rational, and fair descision on contact.
Could anyone advise or give opinions please?

cestlavielife Wed 26-Dec-12 21:52:24

Look listen to ss for goodness sake!
You put your feelings to one side when dad is good person who has ran off with another woman and been abit of a twat,.

You listen to your feelings when dad is unstable nasty and all the rest.

What kind of daddy will he be? You already know one who want get help for his issues and won't be bothered to see him.

What is the point of that ??
None zero zilch.

Listen to ss.
Say yes to contact centre only.
He is known to mht so there is evidence of his issues. why are you brushing that aside? This is not a decent person who has fallen out of love with you , etc .

He is abusive lying controlling and manipulative. Why on Edith do you want him as a role model ? Let your ds have supervised contact only and keep well away.

You will not be protecting your child if you allow this man near you and allow unsupervised contact.

Some people don't make good parents.
Wait til he shows signs of listening to his mht, before even considering having him in your son life.
Protect yourself.
Protect your son.

Find other male role. friends uncles whoever.

You would be nuts to put some dream notion of daddy above the advice you are getting from ss.

cestlavielife Wed 26-Dec-12 21:56:04

And allowing him Inyour home to see baby is putting you at risk. Either he is your ex or he isn't. Ss telling you he is a risk. Listen to them before you or baby become a are being irresponsible allowing him in your house to be honest.

Stop it now and sort contact centre.

Meglet Wed 26-Dec-12 22:01:18

He's not a Dad though is he, just a biological parent and a waste of space, personally I would be keeping my child the hell away from him.

Listen to the childrens services and mental health team, if they are saying keep away then please do it.

No dad is a million times better than a crap dad. Just think of the example he will be setting his son, you can do it on your own and your DS will do better with a stable upbringing.

My DS and DD haven't seen their Dad in 3.6yrs. DS still tears around with boys at school, loves Beavers, knows how to wee standing up grin and plays with Lego, he isn't screwed up by not having a father figure. He would have been screwed up if I hadn't put my foot down and stopped conatct with his abusive father.

shanelle5 Wed 26-Dec-12 22:10:10

Thanks for the reply cestlavie tbh I know you are right im just scared of his reaction when I say no to him coming round and whatever I say/do he makes me feel guilty and even when he is abusive I end up being the one apologising. As I said I have no self esteem or confidence left from the relationship and am doubting my abilities atm but need a good kick up the bum and reality check which MN is great for!
Will phone back the childrens services lady tomorrow and sort contact centre, Ill just have to grit my teeth and get through the inevitable abuse/emotional blackmail that will follow and hope it tails off rapidly...

shanelle5 Wed 26-Dec-12 22:15:47

Thanks meglet thats really good to know. I think after reading all the threads previously it came across that MN was very much pro kids all maintaining contact with Dads at all costs. I also feel the line is a little blurred for me as its hard to know if ex DP was just a terrible Father and an arsehole or how much to put down to his BPD (MH issues)
I do know he is ill, but though I feel sorry about that, I worry for our Son growing up with a Father who self harms and makes repeated suicide attempts and the affect this would have on his vunerable little mind. His other DS's have suffered terribly from poor parenting, bless them, and I want to protect my lovely LO from the same.

cestlavielife Wed 26-Dec-12 22:28:53

You switch off your phone and have no contact with him. So he can't abuse you then can he?m
You change your phone number,

Later you get a payg just for him to call so u can switch it off.

You don't answer the phone t hima t all.
If he comes round screaming at door you call police.

You ask for ss to make all arrangements with him for now.
You can cut contact with him and you have support of ss.

Do it. Today. Stop all contact.

cestlavielife Wed 26-Dec-12 22:34:39

Shanelle my ex is was also someone with severe mh issues. But it doesn't matter why he is as he is. If his mht team say he is ok fine .
But right now everyone is telling you no contact . So do it. It is in a way easier as has Been taken out of your hands.

DoubleYew Thu 27-Dec-12 16:42:47

You say you don't want to go down this route because you want your ds to have a father. But what kind of parent wouldn't fight through any awful circumstances to see their children? Boo hoo he doesn't like the contact centre, he should go back on his treatment and start treating the mother of his chid with some respect then.

Your post at Wed 26-Dec-12 22:10:10 is actually all about you. Do you think it is good for your ds to have their one and only functioning parent terrified and preoccupied? Having some boundaries is for your son's benefit as he needs you to be strong.

Does he have access to email? That way you don't have to listen to the crap about everything being your fault. Its not, keep telling yourself that, you are the one doing your best for your dc. Give Women's AId a ring whenever you need reminding of the fact.

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