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Hurt is not the word, Completely devastated is.

(15 Posts)
CanAnyoneHearMe Mon 24-Dec-12 09:45:07

ExFiance split with me just over 3 weeks ago, I have not been coping well at all.

I have asked for him to come back but he won't.

It was a very unexpected split and within the space of an hour he announced he wanted to leave, Packed his stuff, Took the car and left.

I have had to move in with parents for financial reasons and I have been left with no car as it was in his name (I sold mine to pay for a move whilst we were together). I have lost the house I loved and found out I am pregnant 2 days after he walked out.

I have tried to sort things out between him and DS asking when he wanted to see him etc but he never replies and when he does see him he turns up 15-40 minutes late.

I told him at the moment he can see DS in a place where I can be in the same building, I feel like I cannot cope with leaving him confused it would kill me.

So I have asked more than 10 times for ex to meet me to discuss things as I never got the chance because he left so abruptly to which he replied 'You don't do that when you have broken up'.

I have text him asking when he wants to see DS, Asking to talk and to tell him that anyone can contact me if they wish to see him; He doesn't reply.

He contacted me the other day to say he is going to contact mediation, I have read up about this but I have no idea what that entails or how long it takes to sort out so if someone could shed some light on this I would appreciate it.

He is keeping the child benefit and refuses to give me the information I need to change it over or the last 2 months that I am owed (Broke up end of November).

I just need to clear some things and ask some questions which are bothering me and I thought that MN would be the best place to ask.

What is mediation and how long does it take to sort things out?

At the moment Ex sees DS whenever he wants (Which has been 4 times for the total of 6 hours) but I am in the same building which won't be forever, Just until I get my head round things, sort things out and can believe that the relationship is over because at the moment I would have him back in a heartbeat. Is this reasonable or should he be taking him on his own? He wasn't a very good Dad and had little interest in DS throughout the relationship so I think it is his family coaxing him for mediation etc because they have hated me from day one and I really have no idea why.

He told me to get an abortion even though the baby was planned (Very unexpected split)

I am devastated and I am going through so much stress and worry that I need someone to break it down for me in simple terms as I have never gone through this before confused

RooneyMara Mon 24-Dec-12 09:51:14

First off, I'm so sorry. It sounds shocking.

Second, is ds his child too or just yours? If he's just yours then you need to stop pursuing their relationship so keenly. The guy is making it very clear he isn't interested and it will cause a lot of hurt to your lad to be rejected like this continually - but if he is ex's child too, that's a bit different. Still though I'd give it a miss for now - I mean, don't push things.

Mediation is generally a bit like a relate session (or more than one) where you have a neutral person sitting in a room with you both and try to talk calmly about things. There's usually a fee, if he's offering to pay this that's good.

You should be getting child benefit obvs.

Will write more in a minute.

CanAnyoneHearMe Mon 24-Dec-12 09:58:20

DS is exes child.

I have asked for the child benefit but he keeps making stupid excuses about why he can't give it to me and he won't give me the information I need, He doesn't pay maintenance because he is a student and he told me that students do not have to pay anything.

I just can't think straight confused I am so hurt by the situation.

RooneyMara Mon 24-Dec-12 10:02:33

That's really out of order. Have you any idea what has caused this sudden freak out on his part?

For what it's worth, it sounds like he really doesn't intend to be there for you, or ds or the baby, if you continue with the pregnancy. My inkling is that he may have met someone else/decided to dedicate his life to a cult/ that sort of thing, leaving you in the lurch like this is dreadful.

I wonder if you could contact the CB people yourself and explain the situation, say you have sole residency of the child and they need to transfer it to you.
It might be worth a try. Sorry I'm not much use on the practical side of this.

Regarding the baby, how do you feel about it? Would you wish to continue with the pregnancy if you knew he wouldn't be around?

MsNobodyAgain Mon 24-Dec-12 10:06:04

Ditto what Rooney said. It's such a hard situation you are in but you need to step back and look at this as objectively as you can.

Mediation is generally a meeting between you both where there is a mediator present (another person, maybe one or 2). You are sent guidelines about what you need to bring/disclose/discuss and an outline of fees before the meeting. My mediation with my ex took about 3 meetings over the course of about 2 months. We were married though and this had to form part of the divorce settlement so it could be different for you. Mediation helped us worked out a schedule and terms for access to the DCs and what child maintenance he would pay.

If he is the father of your DS (I think he is?) and your DS lives with you the majority of the time, you should contact the Child Benefit helpline and inform them that you believe the benefit should be paid to you. They will have come across this situation many times before and should be able to sort it out eventually, even if ex is unwilling to give information.

Good luck. It's not easy but it will get better. Honest.

howdoyouknowjenny Mon 24-Dec-12 10:07:34

I think you need to get control of your emotions and get the practicalities sorted. You can get the child benefit form online fill it in and send it back. Call tax credits today and see if you are entitled to anything. Contact csa and make a claim against your ex for maintanance. If he doesn't want to agree financial support with you they will decide what you are entitled to. In terms of visitation/access stop chasing him, this is not your responsibility. You need to support your son and facilitate access not run around after your ex. Once you have some control over the situation you will find it easier to deal with grieving for the lose of your relationship. Good luck

MsNobodyAgain Mon 24-Dec-12 10:07:47

x-posted but I hope some of what I wrote is useful.

CanAnyoneHearMe Mon 24-Dec-12 10:08:33

I am going to continue with the pregnancy as the baby was very much wanted and planned.

I really do not have any idea why he decided to leave confused

He said that he wants to take DS to his house when he sees him and I told him that in time it will happen, Just let me get my feelings sorted and my head clear because It would kill me to be without DS right now confused I told him he can see him whenever he wants but I want to be in the same building while he has his time with DS. Is that wrong? I want him to have a relationship with his Dad it's just the emotional stress that it would cause me when he picks him up because he is the only thing I have got to put a smile on my face at the moment and being without him would hurt me.

Bagofmashings Mon 24-Dec-12 10:08:56

You can apply for child benefit online, there's a special section for people to get it change from someone else's name to their own. If will take a bit of time to get sorted out but they'll do an 'investigation', nothing scary just asking your ex & school etc where your DS lives. It's very important that you get the child benet paid to you because it's seen as proof of your DS living with you & you'll need it for any other benefits etc.
Sorry you're going through this.

MerryCouthyMows Mon 24-Dec-12 10:13:03

Regarding the Child Benefit, that's an easy one. Ring them up. Tell them that he has left you and that you have sole care of your DS. They will swap it over. Do it TODAY.

Phone number is 08453 021 444.

They will only back pay for 6 weeks, so ring them TODAY.

Also, you NEED to get this done, because the Child Benefit is the 'key' to Child Tax Credits, and Income Support if you are out of work.

And what sort of a cunt is he that he is taking YOUR SON'S money (the Child Benefit), whilst not spending it on your DS?!

Much as it may not seem like it right now, you are better off without this cunt that takes money from his own child.

No matter how suddenly the split was for you, you can't change his decision. You need to treat this as if he will not get back with you, no matter how devastating this is for you.

Regarding the new baby, it is entirely your decision what you do, nobody here can influence your decision.

To me, this sounds like an OW is on the scene. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

MsNobodyAgain Mon 24-Dec-12 10:15:04

I understand but you don't need to be in the same building unless you have worries about how he treats DS. Your emotional attachment won't be taken into account by any mediator.

I would not say 'he can see him whenever he wants'. Formalise it, set days and times, detach...Easier said than done though.

MerryCouthyMows Mon 24-Dec-12 10:15:27

And I'll second the advice to contact the CSA. If he can keep the Child Benefit when your DS isn't living with him, I'd hazard a guess that he's not going to be upfront and pay maintenance of his own accord.

And the CSA won't start the claim until you contact them.

RooneyMara Mon 24-Dec-12 10:15:45

I totally get how you feel about ds going off without you. I felt exactly the same when ex left us.

It was awful, I thought I'd die - but he was lying a lot at that stage, refused to give me an address or working phone number for when he took ds away, told me he was staying with a friend from work when in fact he was living with another woman.

Luckily it never got incredibly nasty but we did fall out and he stopped coming after I found out what he was doing. (someone told me)

I too felt like I'd die if ds went with him. I couldn't bear losing so much and having so little control. Now after a 6 year gap and 2 years of random visits, me and ex get on OK and ds loves seeing him even though it's very little contact (every month)

He;s messing you around and hs no right to expect you to give everything when he won't even give you the CB...not that it's about money but he's being stupidly unreasonable, hasn't told you anything, and you can't be expected to play fair with him if he won't level with you. You can't trust him atm in any way. Not till you have a clearer picture and are able to get on in a more open manner.

It'd feel like handing ds to a stranger because effectively that's what he has become.

In time then yes, it's important he sees ds but for now, hang on and bide your time - there's a long time ahead in which to organise proper access and so on.

RooneyMara Mon 24-Dec-12 10:19:13

By the way, yes, it's correct that ds is probably totally safe with him and so on - I don't want to try and influence what you decide, just saying I understand where you are coming from. sad

Being as fair as you can is perhaps the best way in the longer term, but this is a recent crisis and he doesn't seem to be showing much interest in contat anyway so really, play it by ear for the time being.

DoubleYew Mon 24-Dec-12 10:36:11

Unless you have concerns about your ds being at risk with him you can't insist on you being nearby, if he has been in his life previously. You can ask but if he is being such an arse about CB, I dount he is going to be that helpful.

You will be all over the place with the split, the pregnancy, moving and Christmas. Give yourself some time to get used to the new situation. He isn't the person you thought he was, that sucks but you will get over this.

First few contacts are hard but you must put on a brave face for ds.

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