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Oh dear, I am really not coping with handing DS over to Ex tomorrow : (

(31 Posts)
gilmoregirl Sun 23-Dec-12 18:11:50

When we split up we agreed to take DS for alternate Christmases. This year it is Ex P's turn. I am struggling and feeling really down about it.

Ex sees DS perhaps 10 times a year for an hour or so on a sunday afternoon. His mum who they are spending christmas with sees DS once a year. Both Ex and his mum live within one hour of us.

I tried to explain to Ex that I was finding it very hard to be parted from DS. His response was (as usual) completely unsympathetic along the lines of "yeah, yeah I have to spend christmas without him too you know".

Surely it is not the same? I am the one who is bringing up DS on my own. Ex P has never had DS overnight, DS has never even been to his house - he only ever has him for more than a couple of hours at Christmas. It is NOT the same as it is for me. I feel so alone as everyone else is with their family and I won't even get to speak to my DS for three days sad

How do you cope if you don't see you child(ren) at Christmas, especially if you have a "once a year wonder" for an Ex?

Letsmakecookies Sun 23-Dec-12 18:16:40

No it is not the same, as he is obviously not as emotionally invested if he chooses not to see his child more than that. But you are being amazing for your son letting him go, just remember that. That is how I will cope with my children being away for a few days. It is about them and their experiences and being the best parent I can even with the challenges of their 'once a year wonder father'.

MagicHouse Sun 23-Dec-12 18:21:00

Do you mean up til now he's only had him for an hour or so at a time, but suddenly he is having him for three days??? That sounds tough, especially for your DS. I'm not against alternate Christmases, but I think you could argue that this might not be in the best interest for your son, even at this late stage.

YourHandInMyHand Sun 23-Dec-12 18:24:14

How old is your DS? If he's not even had him overnight before why is he going for 3 days and why won't you even be allowed to speak to him? That sounds a bit much for your DS as well as you.

Is the Christmas arrangement an official agreement/court order?

YourHandInMyHand Sun 23-Dec-12 18:25:27

I wouldn't send him. Regardless of how old he is 3 days with people he barely knows and only spends a few hours at a time with, and no contact with you is not in his best interests.

ratbagcatbag Sun 23-Dec-12 18:26:41

I have to say as a sm, there is no way my DH ex would share Xmas day if that was the situation around it, if he only has an hr a time at the most I'd say. No way are you now having him for three days. Unless its court ordered.

Shybairns Sun 23-Dec-12 18:27:11

Can you speak to him on the phone while he's away? I presume you'll be able to wish him a Happy Christmas on the day?

I think your son will really miss you. How old is he?

VBisme Sun 23-Dec-12 18:27:43

I think for your sons sake you need to go to court and dirt out contact that means he has his dad in his life. 1 hour every few weeks is just not going to give him the support he needs.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 23-Dec-12 18:28:02

Your poor son.

He has to go and spend Christmas with a man he barely knows and won't even be allowed to ring his only proper parent?

That is horrible for him.

Is he OK?

mcmooncup Sun 23-Dec-12 18:28:31

I think you are right to feel upset about this.

I hate it that NRP's expect to 'get'
Christmas when they can't be arsed for the rest of the year.
Maybe don't agree it again. Boxing Day would be more fair. Or one in every 10 Christmas'/ whatever the ratio is in terms of actual care usually.

RyleDup Sun 23-Dec-12 18:29:10

That sounds too much. I'd drop ds down in the morning and pick him up in the evening, but theres no way I would let him go for 3 nights when his father has had such limited contact.

MagicHouse Sun 23-Dec-12 18:31:17

I think you should say that you've thought this over and that this year it doesn't work. Maybe he can open presents and have Christmas dinner with your ex and stay for a couple of hours, and maybe NEXT year he can stay there, but only after you have slowly built up contact time during next year. In your situation I would absolutely say no, even now. (And like I said, I'm not against alternate Christmases, my DC are not with me this year).

IceNoSlice Sun 23-Dec-12 18:31:33

Oh poor you and DS sad

It would surely be fair for you to speak to DS and make sure he's ok. And make sure you are not alone. <<un-mumsnet-y hugs>>

gilmoregirl Sun 23-Dec-12 18:39:11

thank you for all of your replies.

DS is seven and is very excited (which makes is harder for me as then I feel selfish and awful sad)

Ex is very charismatic and DS worships the ground he walks on. He has been talking non-stop about it.

DS has done this twice before and both times it was just as hard for me but he was fine.

Ex's family freeze me out - they think Ex P is faultless and great dad. I presume Ex talks a good game in front of them exaggerating his input. DS of course is so in awe of him that he probably seems quite the devoted Dad to onlookers. They do not think to phone me as I am of no consequence to them at all. They like to play at happy families once a year.

DS received a christmas, birthday and easter cards from Ex's mum. That is it. No phone calls. No visits. Then she expects the great granny christmas.

Ex gets the train to see DS on a sunday afternoon every six weeks or so. Takes him to starbucks where Ex has lunch (breakfast) and lets DS play on his ipad before phoning me to say DS is bored. No phone calls in between, no interest in school, no attending school events, nothing, just an hour or two every month when he feels like it.

Sorry for rant I am feeling very bitter and lonely. My friends say I should just stop the arrangement and keep DS at Christmas. I feel I should too but part of me feels that DS should get some input from his "dad" and that side of family even if it is on an annual basis.

Part if me is so tempted to give them the "a grandson is for life not just for christmas" line but would not even register.

gilmoregirl Sun 23-Dec-12 18:42:30

Sorry for rant blush am very emotional.

Not helped by my phone call to Ex trying to sort out what his arrangements actually are to be told that they don't really know.

They don't know when they will bring him back! Not likely to be 26th as previously agreed, now 27th as suits them. No regard to me having spent three days without DS (and not just any three days - three days at another time of year might be quite handy- three days when everything is focussed on family and children)

YourHandInMyHand Sun 23-Dec-12 18:42:52

Ah he's older than I thought and is looking forward to it. That does make it trickier! sad

Ex sounds useless. angry

YourHandInMyHand Sun 23-Dec-12 18:43:38

Can you not say you will pick him up on 26th as previously agreed?

gilmoregirl Sun 23-Dec-12 18:53:40

Thank you for much needed hugs.

Sorry I was not clear on how old DS is, not thinking straight.

Is just such a hard situation, I feel so down and upset about it and no one seems to understand how I feel. I have DS with me almost all the time I am not at work and I look forward to having time off to spend with him but I ended up dreading christmas and not wanting people to ask me what I was doing as may burst into tears.

Just seems so unfair but I need to try and keep brave face on for DS when I really want to let rip and say that his Dad is a selfish twunt and his Mum is a hypocritical fake granny not a real granny and that he should spend christmas with me who loves, cares and supports him 365 days a year!

gilmoregirl Sun 23-Dec-12 18:55:06

I am considering going to pick him up but don't want to make a big scene.

(there is history of unreasonable (ok unpleasant) behaviour on their part when I collect DS from them to suit me rather than them - a whole other saga)

twofalls Sun 23-Dec-12 19:00:45

Oh Gilmore how dare they treat you like this. Go pick your ds up on 26th and don't them bully you. Do you have any family to back you up?

gilmoregirl Sun 23-Dec-12 19:03:48

I am going to be spending christmas with my Dad. He would not want to get involved though!

Is just so hard for me. I had prepared myself to say good bye to DS when then collect him tomorrow, then go to my Dad's and stay christmas eve, and christmas day, then come back here on 26th to welcome DS back and do our wee christmas. Now Ex is saying that they haven't decided when it suits them to travel back down (they drop DS off on the way) and it may be 27th.

twofalls Sun 23-Dec-12 19:16:55

Can't you just tell him you have plans on the 26tg and need him back. How far to go and pick him up. An actually angry. On your behalf.

MagicHouse Sun 23-Dec-12 19:22:30

You say that changing the date to the 27th doesn't suit you - that you have food all bought that needs to be eaten on 26th and have already planned a second Christmas for him on that day. Then collect him.
Sounds really hard. Unfortunately your son is likely to find the reality of three days difficult, despite the hero worship. (Seeing as your ex finds an hour difficult usually.)
Really feel for you. He'll be back before you know it though, and opening toys and having your own celebration will still be lovely, probably all the more so for him, being back with you.

gilmoregirl Sun 23-Dec-12 19:27:25

Thank you, it is so good to hear that I am not being selfish and unreasonable about it.

DS is just so excited about christmas, so I get all the build up but none of the actual day.

I suppose I just need to keep thinking that he will be back with me very soon and that they won't show any interest in him for ages after this.

No doubt DS will be all grumpy and exhausted after all the excitement so won't be up for Christmas II with me.

BornToFolk Sun 23-Dec-12 19:39:12

You are totally not being selfish and unreasonable. It's not fair on your DS, or you, for the ex to do contact on his terms. It absolutely has to be in the best interests of your DS and the odd hour here and there and then three days at once is just not in his best interest at all. And it sucks for you too.

Put your foot down and say you are collecting him on Boxing Day because you have plans.

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