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(8 Posts)
PleaseLetsGoToSleep Sat 22-Dec-12 22:18:59

I have a 14 month old DS and splitwith his dad, m exp, about 4 months ago. Exp has some on and off physical injuries, meaning he often isn't able to look after DS on his own. He comes and stays with us every wkend, and I'm so sick of it. Things between us have been very strained lately and we can't bear to even be in the same room. I want DS to see as much of his dad as possible, and for exp to see DS, but I'm not sure how much more I can't take. When he's here he's sullen and rude and angst with me [which I guess is natural really since it was me who ended the relationship and took his son away]. I find the tension unbearable while he's here, and as soon as DS goes to bed I hide in my bedroom. But I have to be present at all times because exp can't do certain things, like lift him or change a nappy. Without me enabling him to spend time with his son, he wouldn't be able to do it.

I have been happy to do this up until now as there was also the possibility of exp getting a bit better and being able to look after DS himself.that doesn't seem like it will be likely now for sometime, which I find v v depressing.....I have to put up with him, his hatred of me and tense miserable wkends for the foreseeable future. I feel like I'm in time warp, back in the relationship I got out of.
I do feel like I need to stand up to him though, I've tried but he says I'm selfish. Could I get ur thoughts? Can anyone suggest an alternative arrangement? He'll never accept a contact centre and there are no other friends or family who could help.
Should it be up to me to enable this contact? I want DS to see him but I don't think he should expect this help of me when he treats me like he does. Or am I being selfish? Thanks

PleaseLetsGoToSleep Sat 22-Dec-12 22:21:21

Can I just add that some of his injuries have been caused by his own stupidity....I'm not completely heartless!

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 24-Dec-12 21:23:12

Not sure what to suggest but don't think its helping having him in your house. That's YOUR space, and he isn't being very nice when he's there.

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 24-Dec-12 21:27:14

You're not being selfish. Just cos he says it don't make it so! Might be an idea to get legal advice, you would maybe get half an hour free, with a view to setting out a formal access arrangement. It sounds like everything is his own way at the moment. Don't let any guilt you feel at ending the relationship become an excuse for him to treat you badly.

CabbageLeaves Mon 24-Dec-12 21:27:48

I don't think you are obligated. I do think in an ideal world it would be nice for DS if you enabled it.

However if ex is being a miserable arse I don't see it being a positive experience for anyone.

I imagine ex has a lot of sadness and anger and fear over the situation but it does not give him the right to take it out on you.

What about mediation? Ex can choose to continue this set up if he agrees to a) change his behaviour or b) attend mediation ??

RedHelenB Tue 25-Dec-12 07:47:42

Wonder if there are any local charities that could help?Have you a surestart centre near you, they should have a family support worker to help with things like this.

MagicHouse Tue 25-Dec-12 08:41:28

I think you can change the situation so that he is not having the contact in your home. It sounds very stressful and will not be helping any of you to move forward.

PleaseLetsGoToSleep Tue 25-Dec-12 14:53:26

Thanks for the replies, good to get some validation that I'm not being selfish. I have to change things, talking to the sure start centre family sounds like a good suggestion.
Hope ur all having a lovely xmas!

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