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Advice needed, I'm flogging à dead horse aren't I?

(7 Posts)
angelelle Sat 22-Dec-12 13:14:37

Would love some words of wisdom from people who have been in similar positions. I find myself wanting to make one last push to try and get my dd's father to show some interest in her. Part of me thinks i can reach the 1 per cent humanity that surely he must have, another part of me knows it is futile and will bounce off the 99 per cent of indifference.

Long story short, dd is 9 weeks and he has never seen her. First two weeks he shower marginal interest when i sent him texts, eg wanted to see a photo and said he wanted to meet her and even called her his daughter. 7 weeks ago he cut all contact with us.

A brief history, we have known each other for 3.5 years and dated for around one of those. We were always friends, even when we broke up, and there was no argument or falling out. What happened was that a) i kept dd against his wishes and b) when i was three months pregnant he met ow. Since then he has pretty much turned his coat and ceased communication.

Having now had dd my feelings and thoughts have changed a lot and I am finding myself willing to do almost anything to avoid her hurting including trying to get him to form even a small form of relationship with her as i think it is better for her to have a relation with a cold, distant father than none at all. Personally i would prefer never to see him again with the pain he has caused me, but i am determined to leave no stone unturned in seeing if he will have contact with her, even if its just birthday cards.

Obviously am new to this. Am I flogging a dead horse? Should i just wait for him to contact me if he does ever want to see her or try one last time to send cute photos etc. I know she will be fine with me and her lovely extended family but i cant bear the thought of her ever feeling rejected, even if it means me swallowing my pain again and trying to get him to see her.

Any thoughts appreciated.

RedHelenB Sat 22-Dec-12 15:47:17

Leave it, make sure he can contact you. My ds was planned & apparently exh needed a year to get his head round the fact he'd been born!! OW definitely need to be shown that they are number 1. He may split up with ow or they may have children together & that may spark something OR he may have meant he wanted you to terminate & never has any intention of having a relationship with your dd. You can't influence anything so stop wasting energy on this & concerntrate on being the best mum you can be, up to him to decide how good a father he wants to be, if at all!

mummymcphee Sat 22-Dec-12 17:06:55

Angel I was exactly in your shoes last year. I kept a baby against exp's wishes and by the time I had 3 month scan he had OW if not a long time before.
I did push contact and took the baby round on exactly this day last year after giving him 3 weeks notice. The door was slammed in dd's face and I was threatened with the police!

I sent him a few photos over her first year. She is hard to ignore as we live across the street but he has managed! I have been in contact directly maybe 4 times since she was born 14 months ago and on the last occasion he did phone the police. The police called me and warned me exp would prosecute me for harrassment if I or anyone I know contact him about DD. It has actually a relief not to feel any pressure to get him involved. This is a very extreme reaction.

I know how you feel you just want the best for your child but sometimes the best thing is for them not to know their bio dad. The feelings of wanting the father of your child to see their child are very overwhelming and unexpected...I think until at least after their first birthday. Good Luck with whatever you decide to do but be prepared for it not to go the way you would like it to.

queenofthepirates Sat 22-Dec-12 22:14:42

You've done your bit sweetie but now's the time to concentrate on you and your DD. Try and refocus your energy on your new child and leave this man behind. I don't think a reluctant Dad will do your DD any favours but given the opportunity, there's every chance you'll find a super new DP who will willingly love and adore your DD without prompting or begging. And if you don't, single mums more than fill the gap, especially those with an extended family.

This man is really not worth your efforts, you have done nothing wrong in having your DD, you've left the door open now look after yourselves and enjoy watching your child grow, blossom and unfold in wonderment and joy. You deserve it.

angelelle Sat 22-Dec-12 22:31:03

Thank you all. Yes i know you are right, the feelings that come with having a child are overwhelming but i know that i have done all i can in inviting him into her life. I know she Will be fine and when the time comes i Will find the right way to deal with questions. I just love her to bits and wish he would too and silly me thinks cute photos of her Will do the trick but you are right queen..time to find man who Will love both of us, no begging required smile

queenofthepirates Sun 23-Dec-12 00:07:54

There are a cacophony of reasons why men abandon their children but few of them reflect of their mother or the child, it's far more telling about them; their lack of empathy, maturity or commitment. I'm so sorry but beautiful photos of your DD aren't going to fix him, he's got to do that himself. With any luck that might happen in which case he can apologise to you but please don't settle for less than an explanation and some remorse on his part. You deserve more.

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself too. xxx

angelelle Sun 23-Dec-12 04:27:11

You hit the nail on the head. I feel like there is something more I could do but the reality is you can't make someone be a dad.

Mummymcphee.Sorry to hear, must have been really hard living so close. You sound really strong.

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