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Sorry I have no one else to --rant at-- talk to

(22 Posts)
Lonecatwithkitten Tue 27-Nov-12 22:41:11

So in Feb I had carpal tunnel surgery put up with ExH being fed up with how long it took now of course know he wanted to be with OW.
He told me about OW in April messed me about for 6 weeks before admitting that he wouldn't give up seeing her. Moved out and threw DD (8) straight into relationship with her and her DD. Lots of stuff there DD getting bullied etc.
Found out I had pernicious anaemia and was coeliac during this time. Also was getting funding to buy business partner out and run business myself.
As if all of that was enough I have found a breast lump tonight. Yes I will see the doctor ASAP.
But for fucks sake how much more can I be expected to cope with. I have held it together up until this point, but don't know how much longer I can do that.

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 27-Nov-12 22:43:07

I have no idea what to say, <hugs>

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 28-Nov-12 14:05:12

Thank you InNeed. Well I am off to the breast clinic for a work up.
It's just the unfairness of the fact that ExH and His OW get to swan around in his new convertible whilst I am the one trying to make sure everything is okay for DD and then I have to deal with this.

belleshell Wed 28-Nov-12 16:03:53

more ((HUGS))

InNeedOfBrandy Wed 28-Nov-12 16:07:47

It's fine shout all about it on here, don't have any advice mind but can do lots of <hugs> brew wine flowers and more wine and chocolate.

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 28-Nov-12 16:25:29

Thank you both. I know there is nothing anyone can say to make it better.
It's just that Karma doesn't seem to be working fairly. Through out our marriage I supported him in lots of ways and with reflection I realise I had very little support in the 2 day labour he moaned that he should be at work, never took maternity leave, when I had a GA for leg surgery he dropped me at the hospital and collected me the next day when I was discharged and then moaned about being in the hospital for carpal tunnel surgery (done in an evening so he didn't have to miss work).
Aparantly our marriage break up was all my fault, even though I worked like a dog night and weekends to provide him with all the things he wanted bigger house etc. Then because I was so tired I couldn't face sex so he goes off and shags someone else. Well maybe if I hadn't been so tired I'd have felt like it.
Since our spilt I have sorted all my side of the finances organised counselling for DD whereas all he has done is find a house to rent and buy a new car. There are two other mortgages he needs to take my name off for starters. He refuses to see that his relationship with OW and her DD is upsetting DD at best, but in fact that her DD is physically bullying my DD even though school have told him this is the case.
Now when I really need someone by my side I have no one. Yes my Mum will come for the appointment and if it is the worst I actually know she will come and stay with me, but it's just not the same.
I really need some very big Karma to come his way to make me feel that there is any justice around.
I am big and moany I know. But apart from my Mum I can't tell anyone in life as it could have adverse affect on my business and I have just borrowed hundreds of thousands of pounds to develop that.

elliebellys Wed 28-Nov-12 16:38:30

Karma will get 2 bite his backside,it always does ,bide your time.hows things with you today,how did your appointment go?.

InNeedOfBrandy Wed 28-Nov-12 17:01:44

Look to the postives (I know that warrents a slap saying that) he's a dick and you and your dd are so so so much better off without him. I know it's hard staying postive but a good exercise is to write a list of 100 things your glad about, that can be things to do with your dd or things like I'm glad I live in a country where I have a toilet and sanitation.

I am sure the lump is nothing, (well as I can be) please keep us updated with how it goes.

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 04-Dec-12 20:03:30

So you said to keep you updated well in the last hour I have had an examination, a fine needle aspirated and a mammogram and I am now waiting for an ultrasound.
I can't believe this is all happening.

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Tue 04-Dec-12 20:08:18

When I had the breast 'work up' a couple of years ago the consultant pretty much put my mind at rest straight away. I was so glad I'd gone as soon as possible.

As for the rest of it .... it is shit, isn't it? On the other hand, tonight I forced myself to (badly) try to grout the bath. And I can drink whetever wines I choose without his disapproving face in the house. smile

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 04-Dec-12 21:56:08

No mind at rest I am afraid wait for aspirated result if that is negative have a second aspirate in 6 weeks time. I do aspirates myself you don't plan repeats before you get initial results unless you have a bad feeling.

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Tue 04-Dec-12 21:59:43

Oh Lonecat, really sorry for the worry you now have on top of everything else. But thank goodness you got in there early.

Are you home OK now?

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 04-Dec-12 22:13:53

Yes I'm home finally got to leave the hospital at 9.15 tonight!

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Tue 04-Dec-12 22:15:19

Well, you could have a nice bath ... or fart about on MN for a bit!

Really hope you are ok. smile

Spero Tue 04-Dec-12 22:21:14

So sorry. It's not fair. All I can say is that the best way out is always through.

I had the breast lump scare in October - it was cancer but I found the NHS amazingly quick and efficient. Had op last week to remove lump and was home the next day. my brother works for cancer research and he says treatment has improved dramatically within last 20 years and likelihood of successful treatment is about 95% for breast cancers.

So hopefully by next year this will just be a bad memory. I do believe in karma, concentrate your energy on being kind to yourself.

pinguthepenguin Tue 04-Dec-12 23:34:52

Don't know what to say OP other than you sound very strong and I hope you'll be ok.

Spero- I'm amazed to hear what you've been through and yet you're still so helpful to others on MN, if you do believe in karma then you're due a windfallsmile

Keep going OP

Spero Wed 05-Dec-12 09:18:00

Thanks penguin! If my critical illness cover pays out that will be my karmic payback...

Op, I hope you are feeing a bit better today? I hope it is good news about the lump, but even if it isn't you should still be ok as treatment options seem really good now.

ATouchOfStuffing Wed 05-Dec-12 09:48:14

I'm sure I read on here that relationships with OW rarely work. So Karma will come in the end.
My mum had pernicious anemia and had to have the B12 injections, she felt so tired! Your ExH is a complete twunt for not realising you were so ill and helping more. He has no idea how hard you worked with illness on top, but sadly probably never will. Let go of the past before it tires you out thinking about it!
(Easier said than done I know, but you have so much going on and to look forward to!).
Re DD - if the school are getting involved he has to listen, surely? You say DD is having counselling, I wonder if he could go with her for a session so she can try to talk honestly to him? Anything like that to make him see, as he needs to change the set up at his new home to ensure this isn't ongoing.
You sound amazingly strong and I can only imagine how you must feel. You have come this far though, so hopefully the only way is up from now on smile

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 05-Dec-12 12:40:41

Thank you for all your positive thoughts I know you are all really right. Spero I' m glad your doing well it is just hard to see that it will be okay when you have lost a 37 year old friend to breast cancer in the last 18months.

Spero Wed 05-Dec-12 13:17:38

I am sorry to hear about your friend. That is very sad. I hope if you do get bad news, you have caught it early, then your chances should be very good.

It sounds as if your ex is simply trying to run away from his problems, that only works in the short term. In the long term you will be the one who is stronger and happier, because you are facing up to your horrors now.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Wed 05-Dec-12 13:57:38

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, OP, you must be really worried. I truly hope the medical diagnosis is either negative, or if positive, is easily treatable.

With regard to your ex it's not your fault your marriage fell apart. You didn't hold a gun to his head and tell him to fuck someone else did you? No. Well then, it's his fault, not yours. He's just trying to transfer his guilt onto you - my ex did the same. However you are not responsible for someone else's actions, only your own. The good news is he is now her problem, not yours.

The bullying of your DD by the OW's DD is unacceptable and tbh if it's resulted in your DD needs counselling then I'd be seeking legal advice about where you stand in stopping contact until the bullying issue is sorted in full. Bullying is about control - the OW's DD clearly thinks she has control over your DD, as does the OW and your ex because they're not stopping it from happening, and that's wrong. As your DD is 8, then ask her if she wants to still see him in this situation and if not, tell him this and seek legal advice. You may be able to get some kind of legal paper that says your ex can only see her away from the OW and her DD due to the bullying - I'm sure no judge would be willing to let this continue.

I had an ex who cheated on me when I was pg and I hoped karma would 'get' him. Unfortunately there's no such thing as karma. The only thing you can do is look after yourself and your DD as best you can (as you have been doing). The best revenge is living life well, so that if you see them in the street/they come crawling back/they ask a mutual friend about you, it's like a big fat 'FUCK YOU' to the ex. As someone else said upthread, few OW relationships last because they are built on a foundation of lies and deceit, so how can there ever be any trust? When the OW becomes the partner she creates a vacancy, which one day your ex will most likely fill. As I said earlier, this is now the OW's problem, not yours.

It's nearly the end of 2012 - I'm sure 2013 will be a million times better for you. Chin up, and keep us updated with the medical results.

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 05-Dec-12 20:28:47

Thank you Softkitty I have taken legal advice from a very well respected family law solicitor.
The issue with OW is complicated and the advice I have received is st this point I can not change anything we have to things play out a bit as courts are reactive not proactive.
I can not prevent him taking DD with him to see OW he had PR and what he does when he has DD is his business.
At 8 years old DD does not want to upset anyone and she is scared so if asked she would tell you she just wants things to go along as before. So I don't ask.

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