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How much do you tell your XH about your DCs?

(93 Posts)
duffybeatmetoit Thu 22-Nov-12 22:04:32

Dh left earlier this year. He speaks to DD on the phone but rarely to me. He occasionally texts but just about contact arrangements. DD has just started school and is pretty tired when he rings her so she doesn't generally say much to him. He doesn't ask me any questions about how she is getting on or what she is doing. I have given him dates for parent's evenings and other events, he told me he would try to come to parent's evening when I gave him the date but didn't mention it again or ask what the teacher had said.

I tell him some things on contact visits just to stimulate conversation between him and DD, but he doesn't initiate anything. Should I be giving him a rundown of her activities or accept that he's not sufficiently interested to ask how she's doing?

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Mon 26-Nov-12 20:17:33

Hmm sounds like a nightmare Peter. So I am guessing she doesn't come to places like this then? Some people are just like that iykwim, how old is your dd? Thankfully you only have one as they get caught up the friction at home too, poor children...

My ex cannot come near me via an injunction, horrid man!

Peterpan101 Mon 26-Nov-12 19:38:29

Yes.....WE were in a mutually abusive relationship.....we abused in different ways. Doing the counseling has opened my eyes, even though I didn't intend to actions still had the same effect as if I had!?

Her actions likewise to me, although she cant see that yet (or ever will unfortunately).

My ex.....would think people who need counseling or to use online chat for any cathartic reasons weak!?.....

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Mon 26-Nov-12 17:33:13

now not know....I am dyslexic typist who cannot spell!

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Mon 26-Nov-12 17:32:38

I have to admit I did think my ex was mad, I do not know, I just think he is bastard! Excuse my french!

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Mon 26-Nov-12 17:00:08

I'm unsure if you will get an insight into your ex via here, like I say we are all different and all been in different relationships!

Can you not go to meditation or something?

I wasn't relating to you coming here, my ex came here, made up a name and argued with me, he detested me coming here, he was jealous as there were men here...hmm

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Mon 26-Nov-12 16:57:59

Ah so you were both in an abusive relationship?

I wasn't, mine was one-sided, my ex fits all the faces, sadly.

Peterpan101 Mon 26-Nov-12 16:02:53

'thinks I am mad'

Peterpan101 Mon 26-Nov-12 16:01:56

Quite.....coming on here is supposed to be for me to glean an idea of how the ex might be feeling. If I ask for advise from anyone who knows my situ they give quite strong anti ex views.....I need to be as objective as I can.

The girlfriend things I am mad....

Peterpan101 Mon 26-Nov-12 15:57:36

Sorry Notwanking, wasn't ignoring you. Yes I have read the dominator link and have gone through similar with the counselor. I then wrote quite a bit about the aspects of our relationship where I fitted those 'faces'......I also identified several 'faces' that my ex fitted. We didn't each fit all the faces, and some of them neither of us fitted.....

But we were both represented there, and I am honest enough to see that in me and to ask for help in dealing with my failings. My ex knew that it was all my fault so she never needed to attend the counseling.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Mon 26-Nov-12 15:45:17

Many apologies for my earlier comments, my ex used to stalk me via here, it was very UN-nerving and just plain weird and strange, I felt like I had no privacy what so ever!

Never mind though, he has moved on now, onwards and upwards!

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Mon 26-Nov-12 15:43:10

I am pleased you are getting some help peter.

I do understand violence can work both ways.

Peterpan101 Mon 26-Nov-12 15:39:34

Correction: "She was supposed to of been counseling both me and my ex on our communications"

Peterpan101 Mon 26-Nov-12 15:38:07

Yes private through my solicitor. She is supposed to be counseling me to improve my communications with my ex, but since the ex declined to partake I have used the counselor for all aspects of post split advise now that she doesn't have to remain impartial.

The counselor's history is from Women's Aid among other agency's.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Mon 26-Nov-12 15:31:53

Sorry Peter I did not realise you were a victim of abuse, you really should read the link,it is for men and women, or WA can point you in the right direction but you say you have a counseller, strange you still have the same narrow minded views imo!

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Mon 26-Nov-12 15:24:11

Have you ever read 'the Dominator' Peter I think you should, you said you have been abused, it can help men too....

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Mon 26-Nov-12 15:22:53


We cannot all have a similar view? Which part would you like to be spelled out for you?

Me EX hit his children they are terrified of him

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Mon 26-Nov-12 15:21:40

You do not have to pay for Womens Aid, you need to be a victim of Domestic Abuse/Violence and have a few problems though. Mines are a stalking ex, abused me, sorry not abused.... was violent towards me, my dc are now messed up big time. Poor dc, we all have weekly counselling.

My ex used to follow me about on here, freaky person that he was, he has moved on now, to abuse, sorry not abuse, be violent to someone else, her dc are all in care now. she chose him over an abuser, sorry not an abuser a DOMINATOR!

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Mon 26-Nov-12 15:18:31

Yes Peter I totally believe you hmm

Go read the link.........

Oldladypillow Mon 26-Nov-12 12:41:32

Interesting post PP. how have you accessed a Domestic Abuse Specialist? Are you a victim? Only read about Women's Aid on here. Is it private - as in do you have to pay?

Peterpan101 Mon 26-Nov-12 11:22:06

I think my position has been slightly misunderstood.
I have not said that ‘all women are passive aggressive’ or that anyone brought on any physical violence themselves. I did say that within the domestic abuse spectrum women are more to the passive/aggressive abuse side, with the men exhibiting more on the aggressive/aggressive abuse side. Isn’t that what many of your experiences tell you? That men quite often some men resort to physical abuse when the arguing fails them??
As for what I was trying to communicate. Even in the face of some extreme and sometimes absurd Implacable Hostility I have kept focussed on what my DD would want and need from me. I realised quite early that fighting fire with fire will get me nowhere and that when the dust settles in X amount of years I want to be able to look my daughter in the eye and tell her (not from my point of view but everybody who knows us point of view) that I did what was right.
The first things out of my DD mouth when I pick her up is “mummy says you did this....and mummy says that this is what she is going to do”. From advice from the domestic abuse specialist who is counselling me on this, I then have to discuss these alleged events with my DD so that they do not linger and cause damage. To down play them with her (even if they are complete lies).
I would not dream of presenting this behaviour in court (my solicitor has informed it would do little good anyhow) and try to reduce my EW standing as a parent. My ex is a very diligent, caring and capable mother....but things seem to change in her when I am brought into the mix.
I will quietly work to maintain my relationship with my DD for however long is needed and to whatever cost I incur. I will communicate in whatever way my ex feels comfortable with and will always go that extra mile in the hope one day we might just be able to be friendly again (I doubt being actual friends will ever happen?). I just wished that everybody had a similar view no matter what the resentment they held?

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Sun 25-Nov-12 16:48:35

I don't really tell my ex much. He never asks. Never calls. DD calls him occasionally. She sees him infrequently. But, when they do see each other they talk. They talk for hours actually, and DD comes home with the weirdest ideas at times grin but she loves the time she spends with her dad. It would be more if he asked for it, but he's happy to dip in and out. He gets invited along to parents night, shows, any signigicant events, but I don't waste my time trying to get a hold of him to fill him in on the little insignificant stuff. He's free to phone and speak to DD himself to find out about that stuff, but he doesn't bother.

CabbageLeaves Sun 25-Nov-12 16:37:10

To be fair to my ex, he probably felt like you Peterpan...that I was abusive ...because I stood up to him...and left. How very dare I!

He only strangled me once. Wasn't his fault either. I drove him to it...I'm a strong woman you see < my fault...not his

Interestingly he followed me onto a forum I used, wrote his 'version' of events (omitting the angry behaviour and strangling because they were only one offs...not who he really was...) and I saw he really believed his version. I'm glad to say he has received psychiatric help since then. The police also became involved. At the time he still thought he was the victim!

Time has rolled on. He's still inadequate as a man but has recognised his behaviour was wrong. I think the inadequacy just meant he couldn't deal with what is a stressful situation for everyone. He just attacked me because that was what he was used to doing

RedHelenB Sun 25-Nov-12 14:07:28

Peter - you can find out all sorts of information about your children without talking to your ex. Schools will send you copies of everything, you can go to parents evenings etc & most of all TALK to your children & they will more than happily fill you in I'm sure.

CabbageLeaves Sun 25-Nov-12 13:06:48

Peter you were obviously accused of abuse yet feel boot is on the other foot so to speak. Your situation does not mean all 'abusive' relationships are just poor dynamics ...

I was strangled. If you think I deserved it because of passive abuse (because all women are passive abusers? hmm ) then you need your idea of normal behaviour adjusting

I'm sure my relationship was dysfunctional and remaining in it was my responsibility (mistake) and indicates culpability on my behalf for a poor decision. It doesn't mean I am an abuser.

As regards access to DC -again your experience is just that..your experience. Don't assume all women are like that. Despite lack of maintenance, support, interest anything I have gone out of my way to keep DD in contact because she wants that. I predict a time when she won't and tbh I will grieve with her. She wants a dad. He's just not filling that role despite all the help going.

I don't assume all men are like this though.

Wankarella Sat 24-Nov-12 23:12:01

Peter is a f f f f f fairy-tale and lives in fairy-tail land imo! Meh.... <man hater>

Sorry I am not really, I just dislike narrow-minded people! Open your mind up, the world looks a lot different....

I wish I was narrow-minded sometimes! smile

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