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what is the likely outcome of ex not agreeing to regular set contact?

(9 Posts)
exmrs Mon 19-Nov-12 22:46:55

Ex wont agree to regular set contact as he has weekends away with his hobby and other woman, he does see son when he can fit him in his schedule as i take son to his mums every other weekend and sometimes he shows his face for an hour or two but its not consistent and from spring to oct it goes about 5 weeks before he sees him due to his busy hobby schedule.

Im filing for divorce next week but want the solicitor to write a letter saying how unfair on both me and my son this is. Either he is a dad or he isnt but he cant expect to turn up at his mums whenever he likes and then disaappear after an hour or so.

This has really affected my son as he doesnt know where he stands and in some ways i wish he would just not bother at all as this seems to be upsetting my son as he is at the age where he is asking why he doesnt go to his dads every other weekend like his friend does.
To be honest im really peeved off he can shirk all responsibility and wish there was a law to stop unreliable parents.

Anyway will i just have to accept this is how its always going to be or will he be told he has to have set contact?
This has gone on for 7 months.
I have heard a lot of stories about the courts doing everything to maintain contact with unreliable parents and children and giving them second and third chances and basically agreeing to their demands so contact is still made. Is this true?

mellowdramatic Mon 19-Nov-12 23:04:17

I am in this situation - I'm not sure there is a way to resolve it if your ex won't be reasonable. He can put himself/social life/ow/work/hobbies etc first then expect you to fit in around it. My solicitor wrote a letter about this to my ex but don't think you can force them to do anything.

Cons-
unsettling for your dc (mine have grown used to it though)
you can't plan time for yourself without babysitter/family help
very difficult to start a new relationship

Pros-
if he asks you for contact at short notice YOU decide if you want to allow it, if it is convenient for you. You might already have plans in which case say no.
You will have a fabulously close relationship with your dc
If you want them at Christmas, you have them at Christmas
It is still possible for them to have a good relationship with their father despite his selfishness. It's up to him to make the effort though.

exmrs Mon 19-Nov-12 23:15:58

He never asks for contact as he only sees son if i drop son off at his mums,
from what i have read though the judge finalising the divorce has to be satisfied that sufficient arrangements for contact are in place for the child.

I was kind of hoping a judge to give ex a kick up the arse and make a decision as surely it will look ridiculous if i write in contact arrangements , ex refuses to speak or see me so in order for my son to see his dad i drop him off at mil but ex is more likely than not never there.

How long have you been in this situation Mellow?

cestlavielife Mon 19-Nov-12 23:26:29

Seems quite simple really . You set out that as you have been doing for the past xxx years or months ds will visit with grandparents every second Sunday and you are happy for dad to visit him there.
End of.

Your ds has to live with this so do you.

If dad wants more then up to him to commit.

If you have good records showing eg offers of more contact which he has rejected then I can't see court setting any more.

Ds just has to be supported to live with the situation as it is. He has great mum great grandparents and an as and when dad. It isn't the end of the world...

exmrs Mon 19-Nov-12 23:36:53

It does feel like the end of the world though as i wanted better for my son, sorry that sounds really snappy i dont mean it to be but im having a low day.

I have offered all sorts of scenarios as long as it was regular contact but ex wont agree due to his hobby but lucky i do have a record of this

Things are really strained between mil and me as she often lies to say he has been there seeing son when he hasnt but i suppose im just going to have to suck it up and just carrying on dropping son off

queenofthepirates Tue 20-Nov-12 18:28:29

Good grief, he puts his hobby above his son? jeez I'm glad you're not with this chap, you deserve better. I hope his hobby visits him in his old age when he's in a nursing home because I doubt his son will.

Seconding all of the above advice, drop him off, go and enjoy yourself, ideally involving cake and coffee and get your hair done. Retrieve and enjoy the time you have with your little man.

Well done for putting up with the crap but surrender and don't tie yourself up in knots.

legohouse Tue 20-Nov-12 19:31:22

I'm in the same situation...for the last almost two years,kid's dad has picked and chose when/if he can see his kids,i have to fit in around his social life/new family...it's very hard.

My solicitor told me there's nothing i can do about this,there is no law that can make a dad see their children,if he wanted to,he could choose to never see them at all,i know that many do and i remind myself this,at least he does see them when it suits him.

avenueone Tue 20-Nov-12 19:43:57

totally agree with celavielife - sounds perfect... you get 13 out of 14 days and your DS only has to see a guy who doesn't seem to care less one day and he gets to see his other grandparent which is really nice - she will look after him wonderfully... you can get your hair cut and many other things... I would not even ask if her DS has been to see his own child .. that is up to them.
Tell the court this is what your ex wants and you have agreed to it.
Tell your DS he gets to see his grandma every other week- play that up and Dad may pop in and out, he will soon pick up on what is going on adjust and what queen said - not go to the nursing home.
You can't change your ex - you will have a wonderful bond with your DS and a new happy life ahead.
There are so many people on here who have much more to juggle re: contact and ok you are sad your DS does not get the parenting from your ex he should - well many don't and do just fine - regardless what some research says.

mellowdramatic Tue 20-Nov-12 21:02:58

Exmrs it's been 5 years now and xh is still a "when it suits" dad. I absolutely can't understand it - spending time with my kids is the best time of my life and I'd HATE to miss out on any of it!!! (Some) blokes just don't seem to see it the same way but in time I think you'll appreciate it - cos you get all the best bits!

It's hard work but very rewarding at times. It's sad that kids have grown to not enjoy being at xhs as much as they enjoy being at home but his loss and only he can do anything about it.

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