Housing dilemma - words of wisdom needed(12 Posts)
I don't really know what to do for the best and terrified of making yet another wrong decision.
Quite new to this so will try give as much info as possible. I am a lone parent with a ds of 7. I am also studying full time on a course that requires me to go to work placements. While on placement my dm helps out in the morning with ds and I use a child minder for after school.
I hate having to rely on dm in the morning as we don't have a good relationship but it's really the easiest option. We were living together which meant I could just get up and go without waking ds, but she has moved out now and I can't afford the rent alone.
My problem is, I don't know where to go now! My options are to either take a smaller, cheaper private rent or move into dm's spare room and go on the list for LA housing which could take forever.
It doesn't sound like much of a problem reading it back but I seem to be having a really hard time deciding what to do. To paint a better picture, I am on AD's and also have alcohol issues and attend AA meetings regularly which help. But due to my 'issues', before I seeked any help for them, I made a lot of bad decisions. To cut a long story short, a lot of house moves and a school move for ds.
He is fed up moving house, quite rightly so, and fed up having to make new friends every time we move. He just wants to settle and do do I. But I can't. I don't know why I keep moving, it's a big hassle and expense but I can't stop!
I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting here, words of wisdom maybe, or a kick up the arse and a "get a grip!!", perhaps. But it's a worth a try coz I feel done in thinking about it
Well if you can't afford the rent you either need to move or get a lodger. You don't have to keep on moving house after that.
Can you move house but not area? Presumably you need to be near your AA group and your DS's school? How close are they to each other and what is the public transport like? Also, are there any groups / activities that your son does that need to be accessible / that he can't do now but you'd like him to have access to? How is your DS's school? Are you happy with him there? could a move to a new house be a postive for you?
Start looking at new rental properties - they either need to be close to your son's school and AA, even if they're on the opposit side to where you live now (imagine a circle with AA as one side of the circumference and the school as the other) or in a better location for you - near to activities, friends, away from your mum, near shops etc. Involve your son once you've got a shortlist of 2 or 3 possibles and explain to him that you can't afford to stay in your current place but will be moving to one of these and explain the positives for him in each of them.
You don't have to move in with your mum to go on the council list - you could do that now, and point out that you can't afford the rent. But whether you'd get anything would depend on where you live - quite possibly not.
If your mum had her own room, then why not get a lodger in it instead?
Or as suggested, move home but not area.
Thanks for your replys. Moving area isn't an option really, ds has beavers and football training plus he is happy in his school. There are a few Aa groups locally so I have options to go to no matter where I move to.
I've spoken to the council regarding LA housing and due to the situation I am in I would need to go down the homeless route which scares the crap out of me. Would involve us going into a hostel for 2 weeks. My lease on this house will expire on 22nd December aswell so it's just crap timing.
I've had a look at a few private rents, one of which does tick most of my boxes but I just can't commit, don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
Hi lostgirl, i'm a bit puzzled...are you saying you have to move for financial reasons? Or is it more of a "running away" thing? Your mention of being on ADs is significant I guess and "He is fed up moving house, quite rightly so, and fed up having to make new friends every time we move. He just wants to settle and do do I. But I can't. I don't know why I keep moving, it's a big hassle and expense but I can't stop!"
I hope you don't mind me quoting, I always feel really rude doing that!....just trying to understand where you're coming from. How many moves are we talking about? We moved around when I was young, 4 homes by the time I was eight (which seems to be a lot on talking to friends, I don't really know!). I can't say i've suffered any lasting effects from the actual moves.
Yes the rent is too high for me now that I am not splitting it with dm.
I do think my mh health issues are relevant here which is why I'm finding it hard separating my needs from my feelings.
This is terrible but we are in our 8th house since ds was born . My parents sit when I was 15, my dm moved us from house to house and I seem to have carried on the same behaviour. I think it is more of a 'searching' for something rather than running away.
God I sound insane!
Nah, you don't sound insane at all what is it though, that makes you want to keep moving?
Lostgirl are you getting any help with your MH issues apart from ADs? Any counselling? It is good that you are self aware enough to see that this moving mania is leaned behaviour from your mother, and it's good that you know it is upsetting and affecting your son. It really does sound like you will need to move this time unless you can get a good lodger in quickly, but that doesn't mean you have to treat it as a green light for repeated moves. You really are in charge! You can feel the urge to move on without having to act on it.
you're not insane, but you should speak to your sponsor about it if you have one. I don't want to be all preachy re: AA but I'm sure you've heard by now the term 'doing a geographical'. It's pretty standard among people in the rooms to have done it at least once (twice, twenty...times!). Doing a 'geographical' refers to the hope that if you move yourself somewhere with different geography, it will change the way you feel. It doesn't, because surprise surprise, when you get there, you are still there. I sense from your post you know that, and that's why you are nervous about putting your DS through it again. Which is why I suggest that it's probably going to be useful to talk about the emotional side of this move with your sponsor. She should be able to help you look more objectively at the choices you have and separate your issues from the actual benefits etc. It's always easier to make a decision when you have someone to mull over the options with, who you know you can trust to give it to you straight. If you don't have one, now might be the right time to get one! Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself. You're taking it a day at a time and you'll get there x
Thanks again for all your replys.
I have been referred for counselling, had my initial appointment and have a more in depth one next week so hopefully that will help.
Choco I don't have a sponsor yet, haven't met the right person (I don't think) I totally forgot about the geographicals, I think that's what all my previous moves have been about and now that I'm aware of it, I want to do the right thing. I e spoken briefly with a woman in the fellowship that I'm close with but I've probably not been as upfront about my feelings as I have here. It seems easier to type it than say it for some reason!
I realise now I've just needed to get this off my chest I think. No one can give me the answer, I need to come to that on my own.
Thankfully ds doesn't seem to be affected by my nonsense (yet) he is very adaptable.
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