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Husband has daughter for first 'access' visit. Need my hand held.

(14 Posts)
minkulus Sat 17-Nov-12 16:06:12

My Husband and I are to separate. We are all living in the same house pending its sale. It is hell.
I dropped them off into town for a 'practice' access visit. It is tearing me apart. How am i going to cope when this is for real, when we are living in different towns?
Sorry I just feel bereft, I miss her and hate this. Thanks for listening.

B1ueberryS0rbet Sat 17-Nov-12 16:08:32

Fake enjoying yourself until that enjoyment becomes real. Watch a film, get your hair done, go to the gym? I like to sit in a book shop / café when he has them. Is it really so bad?

B1ueberryS0rbet Sat 17-Nov-12 16:09:19

Sorry that didn't sound sympathetic. What I mean is, look at it as though it's not that bad. I still find my x's visits stressful but not being away from the children! That I can cope with!

minkulus Sat 17-Nov-12 16:16:17

Thanks Blueberry, I get what you are saying and I guess I should try to see it as a rest but I have another child at home with me, so prob not able to get much in the way of escapism! So far been to the park and supermarket, but I don't think I can paint on the happy face for too much longer today!

minkulus Sat 17-Nov-12 16:17:49

FWIW the other child is also my husband's, he didn't want to take both of them out.

B1ueberryS0rbet Sat 17-Nov-12 17:02:24

That's interesting. I have a similar thing with my x. He favours the eldest. The youngest picks up on that and refuses to go and my x is reluctant to take him. I've tried making my x take both kids as otherwise I don't get time to myself and it seems a bit pointless. Also, I want the younger one to grow up remembering the his Dad made him come out with him, not that I made him go. confused Is your younger one a baby? Next time ask him to take both children or it may end up that the bond between them is just never like it is with the eldest child.

avenueone Sat 17-Nov-12 18:37:34

Was it your ex who decided to end the relationship? surely during your relationship your child/ren were left with him or taken out by your ex without you before? it is more the split that is upsetting you?

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 17-Nov-12 19:50:28

He should be taking both out unless the activity was only suited to one. A little one to one time is good but not every time.

Just remember, that feeling you have is what he will have most days unless you have agreed daily access when you do split households.

minkulus Sat 17-Nov-12 20:26:21

Sorry to be absent for a while: been sorting out the children etc!
My husband has looked after the children many times but never taken either out on his own, he has always been too busy! The younger child is a toddler and he wanted to spend time just with the older child as she's at school all week hmm.
Regarding his feelings about being apart from the children in the week, he has stated that it will be better for him as he will get more time for his work shock

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 17-Nov-12 22:23:16

I cleaned a lot at the start now I just have a list of jobs this weekend I am decorating, cleaning, washing and batch cooking meals,

minkulus Sat 17-Nov-12 23:15:35

Oh Lonecat! Sounds as if distraction might be the best bet for now! I hope it will get easier when I am in my own space. The split is hard for all of us, but it will probably seem more real and hopefully logical when I know the DCs will be doing something nice and fun with their Dad?

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 18-Nov-12 08:33:00

It doesn't always work out that their time with him is fun. But distraction is the best plan.

aufaniae Sun 18-Nov-12 08:49:40

minkulus I would be very wary of this one child at a time thing. You need to be very careful it doesn't become the norm.

If your ex-H has not had any practice with 2 of them, then he needs that practice and quickly!

I wouldn't change the arrangement you've already made, but definitely consider telling him from now on he needs to take both. If he says he can't, tell him that's more reason for him to do it, he needs the practice.

He could have them where he's living if appropriate at first so it's easier to keep tabs on them! Or it that's not possible, then make some helpful suggestions about places which are easier with 2. (Softplay perhaps?)

But whatever you do, don't get into a habit of him always taking one at a time. That's really unfair on you.

B1ueberryS0rbet Sun 18-Nov-12 09:07:40

I agree. At the begining I had to insist on both kids going. But now the youngest is old enough to put down his own foot if he decides too. Now it's a different decision. Before I was insisting my x took both which was the right thing. Now...... is forcing your child to go the right thing? It is just a notion he's taken. He has over-reacted to having been told to sit down or to sit still or something that would have slid off him it had been from me.

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