ex making contact hard

[missmydaughter]

hi all
my ex is making contact hard with my 4 month daughter..... when she agrees to let me see her... i get accused of allsorts (abuse ect) or let down at last min....... then she puts me down even more by sending me pics of daughter.... i am waiting for a court date to gain access.... any advice on what to do in the mean time.... esp xmas time

[whiteandnerdy]

Christmas won't mean anything to a 4 month old, so maybe just ensure you spend time with your own friends and family if needs be and try not making xmas contact a big issue. It's building to regular contact so your child feels safe and familiar around you that's the important thing. Building a lasting bond with your child isn't done by wrapping and unwrapping tat once a year.

[Peterpan101]

White, here here.

When I was refused access by the ex I focused on my own life until the court process progressed. Don't sit and dwell, be productive and make the most of your life with or without your dd.

The best revenge is to be happy.

I keep 2 x diaries, one for the solicitor and one for my dd, both in which I write very objectively. My daughter will then know later in life that even when I had not seen her for months I still cared and thought about her every day.

The courts take months if the RP puts up enough of a fight, but getting on with my life with an eye to the future paid dividends for when we got access again.

[Athendof]

I was with you until you mentioned about your ex making things worse by sending you photos of your child... Honestly, you need to get a grip, soooo... Before you try to doce contact at court here are some very simple guidelines on how resident and non resident parents can keep the peace.

1. If you agree to have contact, do not change, postpone or arrive late. What may serm to you as perfectly reasonable excuses, may seem to mums as signs you don't care enough for your child.
   
2. Don't promise what you cannot deliver
   
3. Pay maintenance correctly and on time, especially if her income is smaller than yours.
   
4. Remember that contact is not just about playing, if your child is moody, ill, upset, or misbehaving, you have to deal with the situation rather than just drop her back at mum's like a hot potato. Call her if you need advice though.
   
5. Don't use her as an on-call baby sitter.
   
6. Keep your child well feed and warm, many things you do may seem like no big deal but may have consequences, ie. a child not wearing a coat on the weekend may mean a week off work taking care if a sicly child to her.
   

7.. Remember that the best way for you both to be good parents, is for you to be in good shape, and by that I mean not stressed, not exhausted, not furious with each other, as if you are, it is your child who pays for it. A relaxed happy parent can provide a happy childhood, a bitter stressed one will find it far more difficult.

And stop being so sensitive, no parent will send photos of her child to hurt the other parent. She is just trying to share with you what a fantastic child you both have.

[Athendof]

Ps. Get the book Putting Children First by Karen Goodall, it does really help to start contact with the right foot.

[missmydaughter]

thank you all for the replies......
all i have done is try and keep the peace and get on with my ex.... it is a hard thing to do as she has been diagnosed with a split personality disorder.... i have been paying weekly maintanaince direct to her bank acc but she still gets c.s.a involved lying to them that i have never made a payment.... everything i do or say is wrong....... she is trying to give me a bad name in everypart of my life..... ie trying to get me the sack from work.... lying to friends and her family about me.... when i did get to see my daughter she has different male friends staying overnite. but in the week before she makes threats using said bloke........ twice this has happened... i have been advised to stay away till after court by her social worker as i am putting myself in danger when i am there alone...... i am being positive and just trying to do whats rite by my daughter..... the photo thing aint done to be genuine... its like she sends a pic.... i say how much i am missing daughter, love her ect.... then i get a reply that i aint going to be seeing her again. and that her new daddy is looking after her..... i know its all done to wind me up and the ex is hoping i will kick off then she has cause to stop any access.... i have never once been nasty to my ex....

[Athendof]

If the things are that bad, it is better to stay away until things are resolved in court, I don't know the circumstances of the split, but sometimes it is better to let things calm down before trying again. So start proceedings so it shows you are interested in establishing contact but don't irritate her further, it is really counterproductive.

[cestlavielife]

Who made that diagnosis? Do you have copies of any medical reports?
Try and keep all communication. By email so it is recorded.
Only be factual with her eg

What time would be good to come and see baby?

Keep all her wacky reponses and threats to show cafcass and court.

If you making payments pay by bank transfer and keep print outs of the confirmations.
Keep a good paper trail and don't get wind up when you know she is lying, just calmly build your file of evidence

[cestlavielife]

Offer to see baby in contact centre so she can hand over to a third party.
Or supervised by someone you and she would trust.
Show you will do whatever it takes.

If she send a photo just say thanks. Don't talk about your feelings to her.
With a small baby contact should be short and often but as she grows you need to show you are capable reliable and trustworthy and not bad mouthng her etc.

If she has serious psych problems which impact on her ability to care for dd then your long term goal may be residency unless she is getting help for her issues and showing this . but you would need professional reports and evidence not your say so. But keep good records of any threats download texts, get them witnessed by a solicitor report to police for harassment etc.