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New to being a single parent

(10 Posts)
lizzie479 Thu 15-Nov-12 21:21:46

Hi there, I asked my partner to leave three weeks ago now after twelve years and two children together. It broke my heart to finally admit defeat and to break my childrens home up but I had been unhappy for so long and nothing seemed to change despite couples counselling etc. My ex has a temper nothing too bad but he would have a full on tantrum and shout and swear at me when he did not get his own way. We had other problems too and I was overly critical of him and lost respect for him in the end.
I am glad it is over between us but I wasn't prepared for the financial side of things to go so wrong so quickly. I.S. don't understand my self employed status and CTC say that my claim has been withdrawn. I only earn twenty pounds a week tutoring! So I am skint and worried already about how I am going to afford the next food shop/petrol let alone the rent! My ex will not help out until his maintenance kicks in next month and today him and his parents took my daughter Christmas shopping and for the first time I felt so low. I want to spend time like that with her! Also last night when I called him to ask for money he just started screaming at me down the phone and then screamed for his mum to come and talk to me.
I don't have parents myself so feel bullied. I am in the home we bought together but as we arent married I feel that there is nothing I can do to put a stop to his behaviour and get some interim financial support.
Has anyone experienced similar or have any pearls of wisdom for me? Despite all this somewhere deep inside I am happier and the kids seem happier too which is ironic really as things couldent be worse financially.

NeedToSleepZZZ Thu 15-Nov-12 21:43:51

Have you made a new claim for CTC as a single claim? I have done this today over the phone and it took about 15 minutes, the woman said it would take a couple of weeks to come through but it's better than waiting for the paperwork and sending it back.

Also, book an appt with CAB, they will be able to tell you what you are entitled to and help you with forms etc.

Does your ex not realise that if you don't have any money it's not just you that he is punishing but his children too? Would it be helpful to arrange a meeting with him and list all the things you are doing to sort out your finances but point out that you need help in the interim.

Sorry, not very useful, I'm sure someone with more experience will be along soon.

lizzie479 Thu 15-Nov-12 21:50:07

Hi need to sleep thanks for your message. To be honest I am so overwhelmed by all the form filling and phone calls I really can't remember whether I made the claim for CTC over the phone or in writing. I did go to the CAB and the man there was useless and even had the cheek to tell me to "cheer up you're a free agent now" as I trudged out of the gloomy church hall with two whining toddlers in tow. I tried to tell my ex that if I am stressed and worried then it will affect the kids but he doe not seem to care. His dad is his chief advisor now and I think his motto is give her the bare minimum to survive as payback for having the cheek to say I am miserable and want out of the relationship. It's making me hate men TBH. I just imagine them all happily spending cash on Xmas presents for the kids that will probably never come into our house and will stay at his parents house. And my little girl having a hot chocolate and meal out with them getting all chrismassy while I am at home skint and stressed. I hate him!!!

lizzie479 Thu 15-Nov-12 21:51:23

that was the presents I was refering to not the kids btw

NeedToSleepZZZ Thu 15-Nov-12 22:05:00

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with the CAB, I've only seen them once and they were fantastic.

One thing you can do is check what you're entitled to here, it's a really useful website anyway for all things money related.

I know that feeling of being the poor parent, that's me! Luckily things are very amicable with exOH atm, even if I am heartbroken that he cheated and destroyed our family.

I grew up with my mum and brother, we were very poor whilst my father was/ is a very very rich man and used to buy us extravagant gifts (but no child support) that provided a superficial sense of happiness initially but it soon wore off. As we grew older we realised that we didn't know him or he us and all the while our relationship with our mum got better and better to the point that she is now my role model and friend.

Please don't compare yourself to your ex, as long as you put your dc first they will soon realise who to turn to for love and support.

lizzie479 Fri 16-Nov-12 12:44:40

aaah thankyou so much! That was just what I needed to hear. Thankyou for your kind response. You sound like a fantastic mum need to sleep zzzz

bellabreeze Fri 16-Nov-12 18:44:24

I'm in a very very similar situation to you (told dh to leave about a week ago)
Try not to think of it as breaking your childrens home up, this is a positive thing, by getting rid of something that makes you unhappy you're not only doing yourself a favour but also your children. After a while I am sure things will fall into place for you
Best of luck

lizzie479 Fri 16-Nov-12 20:45:31

Hi Bellabreeze how are you finding it so far? You seem very positive and strong about things. What happened in your situation? I went to see a solicitor today and it's mind boggling. Really want to just be relaxing ready for xmas

bellabreeze Fri 16-Nov-12 22:01:08

Its all in the mind really, I've been trying to think positive and relax, it is very hard sometimes especially when DCs are in bed and I'm on my own but I try to focus on the positive things and making changes, moving forward etc.
My ex was stroppy, selfish, he threw tantrums and he just wasn't nice to be around. No good can come out of staying with someone like that.

I really do hope things work out for you soon, something I've learnt is that how I feel doesn't have to depend on the things that are happening

I'm going to try and get child support soon because I can't talk to my ex either, his friend gets involved on the phone and is abusive to me so I gave up with that to save the stress of it.

What about benefits? You're a single mum now so I'm sure there is help you're entitled to

DoubleYew Fri 16-Nov-12 23:25:50

25% discount on your council tax as the only adult in household. Don't know if you would be eligible for council tax benefit or housing benefit if you own your house but worth a try.

Don't worry about what your ex is doing. My toddler is ridiculously happy with bubbles, some balloons and being thrown up in the air, its your time that counts. And as painful as it is for you, it is good for the dc to spend time with their dad and his family. Use that time to rearrange the house to how you like it, get ready for the first christmas when you don't need to put up with his tantrums.

Insist on communicating through email or text if it is getting too heated over the phone.

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