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Just Found Myself in the most awful mess, need advice

(24 Posts)
Lasaucisse1978 Thu 08-Nov-12 18:29:05

I married my partner of almost eight years two months ago, after two children and being engaged for five years.

Three days ago I snooped on his mobile phone, something I have never done before as I have always believed in trust and privacy. But something, whether it was intuition or sixth sense made me check and I thought it would just give me piece of mind. Instead what I uncovered was truly awful and now I am in a horrible predicament and struggling to decide what to do.

I discovered that not only was he having an affair, she is three months pregnant with his child. Ironically it was on our two month anniversary I discovered this and means he was seeing her just before we got married.

I was so shocked I just logged off instantly and then had to act all normal before he went to work. I was in bits all day and as soon as he got home and went to change I checked again. Unfortunately he had deleted everything. Later that night when I couldn't sleep I got up to check again and there were a whole load more text messages where it gets even worse. Not only is having an affair it has been going on for two years! On top of that he is giving her money for a flat, talks of me as a mistake, only staying with me for the sake of the kids, has left twice and gone back etc etc. It's all very me me me and how he has been distraught about it all. You get the gist.

I gleaned from all these messages which I took the liberty of photographing with my phone for proof that he only broke it off with her a few days before the wedding and of course she then revealed the pregnancy and now it is all back on they are "rekindling" and "in Love" his words not mine.

I have been checking his phone each night (he doesn't realise I know the password) when he is asleep and I can't sleep. I have found so many more incriminating messages written in the last couple of days and the worst of it was last night I discovered quite by accident that he is not only seeing this woman but he was lining up a far more casual meeting with another woman for two week's time who he has clearly slept with before!!! So not only is he cheating on me he is cheating on her. There is a small amount of satisfaction in that for me as she knows about me and the children and doesn't give two hoots but he is clearly being awful to her too.

I was distraught the first few days, have been physically sick, unable to eat and generally in pieces. I married him because I loved him and genuinely wanted to spend my life with him. He clearly is a duplicitous b***tard who I hope rots in hell. Now I am really really angry. I have an appointment with a family lawyer next week and have held off confronting him until I gather even more evidence and see the solicitor.

I am really really worried though as although he has never deprived me of money he has always been really cagey about it. He is already divorced and has a daughter who he has had to fight through courts to see. I am now wondering if the story about his ex-wife is all lies now too. A lot of the debts are in my name unfortunately and he has never bothered to get his statements sent her, they always go to his mum's house and I think he has shredded a lot of them. Naive you might say as when I entered the relationship I had a good job, very little debt but I trusted him implicitly, we had two children together, we agreed I would stay home to raised them and of course we were engaged to be married.

I am really worried he will leave us in the lurch I hope not but I just don't know. I know I am torturing myself with all of this and until I confront him and see a solicitor it is all supposition but does anyone have similar experience????

I just can't believe the level of his deceit. I never saw this coming not in a million years and I can't believe the man I stood in front of all our friends and family and said vows with was carrying on like this behind my back. I am heartbroken but mostly I feel so sorry for our children. Through no fault of their own they are now going to be the product of a broken family and weekend father.

It's all so depressing. Just want some moral support

belleshell Thu 08-Nov-12 18:36:39

OMFG ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) divorce and lone parenting is tough but it is far better than living a lie with someone you dont trust... xx Stay strong.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 08-Nov-12 18:42:23

You get divorced, you will be lumbered solely with all the debt you realise, if they're in your name only.

You need to call the companies you have debts with and ask them to send you current statements (have them sent to an address you husband can't access). Then take all of them with you to your solicitor & figure out what to do.

puds11 Thu 08-Nov-12 18:47:59

Lasaucisse1978 I am so sorry you are going through this. He truly is a wanker of massive proportions.

Definitely see a lawyer before you confront him, see what they say with regards to the debt.

AlmostAHipster Thu 08-Nov-12 18:49:55

Oh you poor thing. I agree that you need to do some more collating of financial papers and information before you confront him. Is there any way you can get these debts into joint names?

You must be in terrible shock - I hope that you can use your inner steel to protect yourself as much as possible from this twat of a man. I'm sure there will be posters along soon that can help you with more concrete advice.

ProcrastinatingPanda Thu 08-Nov-12 18:51:01

Oh my gosh what a horrible thing to discover, I was horrified reading your post, read it to dp and he is equally disgusted too! I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but you're doing the best thing by seeing a solicitor. What a horrid bastard! angry

Welovecouscous Thu 08-Nov-12 18:51:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeganEssex Thu 08-Nov-12 19:24:48

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You sound amazingly together and are doing everything right. Let us know how you get on with a solicitor. This is just the worst time ever for you, but just keep remembering you have some amazing times to come. You're going to be ok, and so much happier than him in the long run. Xx

Lasaucisse1978 Thu 08-Nov-12 21:17:50

Thanks so much for all the nice words. It means a lot to know there are others out there offering support.

I am sitting on the sofa typing this as he came home from work earlier. He of course is acting totally normal and hasn't. Got a brief look at his phone and there are a load more messages so painful as it will be I will take a look later.

It is so surreal though as we are all acting totally normally and the kids were so happy to see him but I can't help looking at him thinking you total lying bastard. And although earlier I was determined it would end in divorce and he can go f**k himself I am now stressing that I am breaking up a family and the girls will be so upset even though he has done all these horrible things I have done nothing wrong. I'm even thinking does it have to end this way

I am also stressing about STDs as well. I have always been totally faithful to him but he has clearly been putting it about, A LOT, and I can't imagine for one second he has given that any thought, not if he has managed to get someone pregnant.

Solicitor meeting isn't until next Wednesday and I have to pretend at least until then, though I am def getting better at acting now the shock has worn off but it isn't easy that is for sure. The solicitor is a collaborative family lawyer - the idea being to make the process as amicable and painless as possible. I just want my children to be okay in it all. But the debts thing bothers me because for some of them he could just walk away leaving me lumbered.

Actually he has literally said something really bizarre - I don't mean this horribly but you'd be fine if I wasn't here."

God this is all so messed up. If only he knew what I was typing now...

peppapigpants Thu 08-Nov-12 22:25:46

I suggest you post on the Relationships board, it's very busy usually and you will get plenty of support and suggestions there. Unfortunately many have been in your position. I hope you are able to sort things out, and remember, he has broken up the family, not you.

Twokidsnosleep Fri 09-Nov-12 04:48:23

Hi Lasaucisse I am new here but have always read mumsnet and valued people's advice. Having just been through my own court proceedings and had an excellent outcome without a solicitor, I am ready to offer any advice I can to help you in this most awful situation for you and your DCs. It doesn't help you much but you are so not alone and it is happening to lots of us (myself included). The first thing I would say is at the moment you are in quite a good position because he doesn't know you know. Please be careful not to let him catch you looking at his phone etc. once you have the evidence you need it may be better, if you can, not to look at his phone etc anymore as you are only tormenting yourself knowing what he is doing on a daily basis. Secondly, unless you are certain of legal aid then I would not see a solicitor immediately. A you risk him finding out and B you will run up even more debt. Finances MUST be your focus at the moment and as others have said do whatever you can to get the debts put in joint names. Talk to penispants about the debts, and try and get deals to pay them off. Do you have a joint bank account? Do you have a joint mortgage? You are doing a fantastic job at containing yourself and it sounds like you could continue the charade for enough time to get yourself in a clearly advantaged position. Stay calm and focus on yourself, your DCs and your money laundering process that you are embarking on! Please do go to a clinic for STDs and protect yourself. Dream up some excuse why you can't sleep with him, thrush etc is always a good one! Keep yourself and your DCs safe and if you can maintain the calm attitude you have, you stand an excellent chance of coming out of this awful Cockup (pun intended) with some dignity, some finances. Being a lone parent ain't easy, but it beats the hell out of being with someone you can't bear to climb into bed with. You are a strong person and you will get through this. Hugs.

HermioneHatesHoovering Fri 09-Nov-12 06:27:57

Please remember it won't be you breaking up the family. That will be all his doing.

Lasaucisse1978 Fri 09-Nov-12 07:56:41

I know it is all his fault I didn't force him to take his dick out of his pants and shove it in someone else. But I know he will try and twist things and make out it is my fault, I pushed him to it etc etc.

Hindsight is great and it explains so much now. For months I have felt inadequate in everything I do - no matter what I did for him, I could do 100 good things but he would focus on the one bad - and now I know why. I put it down to work stress, wedding stress but I honestly now believe he was manipulating me into a position of weakness and it doesn't matter what I couldn't have done anything right.

I should not be on here right now, should be getting DDs ready for school! Oh hell, life has taken a shitty shitty turn.


howdoyouknowjenny Fri 09-Nov-12 08:14:56

I have to disagree with 2kids. Definitely see a solicitor most offer an initial hour consultation for free with no obligation. This could help you get clear in your mind exactly what would be fair financially even if you decide to handle it yourself. For example the debts may not be solely your responsibility if they occurred for the benefit of the family.

MeganEssex Fri 09-Nov-12 09:42:24

He probably will twist it round, you just have to keep remembering none of this is your fault.

My Ex left me on 2nd jan this year and swore to me there was no one else involved and he just needed time to think. I believed him until I found out otherwise three months later. We have a little boy who's now 22 months. In exactly the same way as you say, before he left me I couldn't do anything right. Whatever I did he found fault in it, and I bent over backwards to please him. Now I understand why it was never enough. And yes, in anger now he tells me it was my fault he left, that no one could live with me, that I made his life hell and he was desperate. I just have to keep holding onto the fact I know this isn't true. I wasn't perfect but I wasn't that bad either. And if he was unhappy, he should have spoken to me about it and worked at things. Which is exactly what yours should have done. I just can't believe how easy these men find it to lie to someone they loved enough to have a family with.

You deserve so much better and now you've found out, you're on the road to getting it. Just thank your lucky stars that something told you to check his phone x

MeganEssex Fri 09-Nov-12 09:43:48

Oh and I agree with previous poster, there are plenty of solicitors who offer a free initial consultation. Find one of those.

Lasaucisse1978 Fri 09-Nov-12 11:12:00

Oh I agree entirely MeganEssex if I hadn't looked and still have no idea what prompted me to because I have never ever done that (always believed in allowing each other privacy and space, I am not a jealous type!) I would still be none the wiser now except for wondering about our non-existent sex life, my decreasing self-confidence and why nothing I did was ever good enough.

Sounds like you have suffered too. I would like to say the best I can hope for is that he is honest and tells me the truth but if he can lie this much and hurt not just me and the DDs but my family his family and all our friends who came to our wedding and sent us such wonderful cards and good wishes then I can't imagine he is going to tell the truth now. At best it will be his version but twisted to make everyone feel sorry for him like he was pushed into it, got trapped in a terrible situation and didn't know what to do blah blah blah.

The tone of his messages to her are very much poor me, this is affecting me really badly like it was a real trauma going through a wedding and he only did for the kids, what a martyr. and that he is suffering soooo much. It's is all about him, even with her being pregnant it is all about him and the effect on him!!! I am suddenly seeing him a whole different light - control freak, narcissistic, pathological liar.

I just feel so so so stupid for trusting him and letting myself get into a position where I was reliant on a man. But then you don't go into a relationship expecting all this and it has occurred over almost eight years with two children along the way - not a short period of time. I will see the solicitor - it is a free first consultation and then see how it goes after that. I do actually have a law degree though I never went on to become a solicitor but if I have to represent myself and go through all that then so be it.

Sometimes I feel like I am getting more in control and other times I feel so utterly distraught and lost. I have never been in a situation before in my life I couldn't handle but the enormity of this keeps hitting me and taking my breath away.

I know I will get through to it and you sound like you are further down the line and in a better place right now but it is so damn hard! I have only just discovered the boards on mumsnet but it is a godsend to be able to discuss with people going/gone through the same thing.

Twokidsnosleep Fri 09-Nov-12 13:11:45

Lasaucisse - it is always up and down like that;good days and bad but the good days will see you through the bad. The problem with free initial solicitor appointments is that they are designed to pull you into being a client. They will inevitably suggest a letter is written and then you are on their books and things can escalate quite quickly, as does their bill! You hold the ace card at the moment which gives you time to prepare. There are lots of free legal helplines - Coram Children's Centre legal advice are excellent. Rights of Women are also very good and perhaps they can help you decide what you need to do next. You mentioned his bizarre sentence - If he is planning on leaving you, then the sooner you get the debts in joint names the better. Hope you're having a good day today.

Lasaucisse1978 Fri 09-Nov-12 14:46:55

No it's pretty crap to be honest twokidsnosleep Have managed to very little of anything productive and had to ask him for money for normal bills which got another barrage of irritation from him - this has become more of a regular feature over recent months. Like I said he has always given me money for all the bills but lately he is becoming a lot more cagey and defensive if I ask for basic stuff - no doubt because he has been spunking it on his lover's flat.

The only positive thing I have managed to do is start working on my CV and finding a couple of recruitment agencies. I don't want to go back to full-time because it would be expensive with childcare and not seeing kids so much but if I can't sort out the debts and he leaves me high and dry I at least need to be able to provide a roof over their heads and food etc.

He came in with a new motorbike helmet last night as well. When I questioned how much he said oh it's just a couple of hundred quid, I checked online and it is more like £500 plus bluetooth headset and a a satnav so £1000 gone like that and he has the nerve to get annoyed with me for money for food and bills and all that without him knowing that I know!!

Feel like my head is going to explode but I will try CAB. The solicitor I picked because it was collaborative family law rather than traditional adversarial so much more about mediation. The only mediating I want to do with him right now is punching him in the face and screaming abuse at him but I have to be sensible and the better person for the children.

queenofthepirates Fri 09-Nov-12 17:49:45

Just wanted to add in my best wishes and a big hug to you, it sounds as though you're holding things together rather marvellously.

If you haven't already, check out to see whether you will be entitled to extra tax credit to help with child care (single parents can get up to 70% of their childcare costs met).

gettingeasier Fri 09-Nov-12 18:21:29

Oh god what an awful position to be in and I am full of admiration for how you are containing this. I agree though maybe its time to stop looking at his phone sad

I dont think you are committed from a free half hour appointment and some kind of expert advice is needed re the debts although from my laymans knowledge you will have to share savings, house and debts although clearly it would be better if they werent in your sole name

When my xh left I wish someone had said this to me : However much emotional pain you are in you must find the resolve to fight your corner financially and secure the best possible outcome for yours and your DC future.

I would keep this to yourself as long as possible and get to work on the above.

Do move this to relationships , there are so many of us and lots of wonderful posters who will support you

Wishfulmakeupping Fri 09-Nov-12 18:31:28

I don't have much in the way of advice but I just wanted to say how much I admire the way you are handling the situation, he really is a piece of shit for doing this to you and kids but you sound strong and you will get through it. I wish you all the best chick

ohokthen Sat 10-Nov-12 11:20:49

Just want to add a message of support you brave lady for managing to play this nightmare out.

Please stay strong - hope you manage to play this bloody horrible scenerio out in order to protect you and your children.

What a bastard.

ohokthen Sat 10-Nov-12 21:49:03

Just checking back in to see how you are doing. No new posts hope everythng is ok. Wonder if you may get more respose on relationships or chat or even on AIBU at least you are sure of a blummin good response.

Anyway thoughts with you

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