AIBU?

[Willow89]

Hi ladies need some advice. Bit of back story, me and DS dad split 9 months ago as he met someone else I moved out of the home and we now share custody equally. The girl he is now with has been introduced to DS about 3 months ago, I was not entirely comfortable with it but ex dp pressured me so I agreed. Now this girl is very nice, however every time I go to pick up DS she is there! DS is two and beginning to talk/form sentences he has a new word nearly every day which is great but I don't always know exactly what he is trying to tell me. When this happens she always says oh he means this..... Which is fine but I feel like she doesn't know her boundaries she is constantly informing me that he is teething, and she is picking out his clothes in the mornings. I went up to visit yesterday and she had him on her lap and no matter how many times I called him over she kept him there and distracted him from what I was saying. These are just examples, I know I sound petty but I just feel like she is pushing her way in as a mother figure which I do not like as they are only together 9 months and anything can happen. How do I deal with this? I should also point out that I work full time and his dad is unemployed so looks after him when I go to work so she sees DS an awful lot! I tried to make some rules regarding the amount of time she spends with him as I don't want him confused but it seems to have fallen in deaf ears:( sorry a bit if a rant but just needed to get it out.

[youngermother1]

She ( or someone) is/will become his stepmum and will part of his life. Would you prefer she hated your ds and had nothing to do with him? Accept that she can do nothing right and you will hate everything she does.
However she is good with your ds, he is happy and ok.
Think how your exp will feel when you have a new man who plays with your ds, takes him to footie etc.
When a relationship fails, as long as the kids are happy, your feelings have to come second

[BooyhooRemembering]

sorry but you cant honestly expect to dictate how long she or anyone else spends with him when he's at his dad's. i understand this is hard for you and yes, she may be gone in teh morning never to be seen again or she may be his stepmum forever.

i think the important thing is that she is good to your son, very attentive, keeps you informed of what he's been up to while you are away. your son isn't unhappy and she isn't mistreating him by being attentive.

my children also have a new soon to be step mum. i was wary at first as she was introduced very quickly but she is lovely and really good with my dcs. she actually got in touch with me and asked if she could take my dcs out for the day even though their dad was away. i was happy with this. she seems to want to have a good relationship with them. i love my children and i want them to have positive relationships with the people in their lives. i am happy that they seem to have a good step mum.

[STIDW]

New partners are a potential minefield. I think your feelings are only natural but isn't it better your ex is with someone who is nice to your child than someone who isn't? Children benefit from being passed about a bit and having lots of people who care for them. That doesn't affect their relationship with Mum and you will always be Mum no matter what.

Trying to make rules is just going to create bad feelings and there is little more damaging to children of separated families than their parents and new families getting embroiled in conflict.

[izzywizzyisbizzy]

You are jealous, its only natural, but its not for you to try to dictate how long she spends with him.

Can you wait at the door for DS so you don't have to see them together so much and watch her engage with him?

[izzywizzyisbizzy]

and I second STIDW, mum is always MUM, really, you need have no fears there.

[BooyhooRemembering]

i agree. my 3 year old has been learning about families at nursery and is talking alot about his father, grandmother stepmother etc, but when i asked him who i was he said "you're mummy silly! silly mummy!" and walked off laughing at how silly i was that i didn't know who i was. your son will know that you are mummy.

[HoolioHallio]

It's absolutely shit and YANBU. One of the worst things about an adulterous Ex is that as a parent, you are then 'forced' into a situation where some stranger is allowed to play happy families with your child, and if you don't embrace that idea whole heartedly, it feeds into your Exs propoganda that you are a psychotic Ex

But as the other say, you'll always be his mummy. This girlfriend sounds desperately immature - holding onto a baby is something that some of my young family members would do.

But as the others say, it's better that he is okay with her. My kids tolerate OW -she and Ex are in full 'Disney' mode at the minute so contact visits are filled with being bought stuff and doing fun things. But you know what, at the end of the day, you are his mummy, his only mummy and as long as you stay as the centre of his world, when daddys girlfriends come and go, thats the most important thing for him.

[dysfunctionalme]

Wow at the harsh replies. I think she sounds incredibly insensitive and yes, as hoolio suggests, immature. Keeping him on her knee when you arrive? That's just wrong and no wonder you feel uncomfortable/hurt.

I would find it v hard, too, but I do agree that better she is kind to him than not. It would be so awful if she was unkind.

You are mummy though, always and only, and he will always know this.

Stay strong, good for you for working to support your boy.

[BooyhooRemembering]

what harsh replies?

[purpleroses]

Maybe just be a bit more assertive in the situation? Don't sit there calling him over - go over and pick him up.

You can't stop her being involved in his life, and it is better to have a stepmum who cares for the child than one who doesn't. But you can expect it to be your ex and you who feel like the parents, not his new GF.

Best thing is to direct your conversations about your DS to your ex. Maybe make handovers as brief as possible, then phone your ex for a chat about anything necessary later - so that it's him you speak to not her.

If your ex has DS most of the daytimes whilst you work, would you be able to ask for a bit more contact at the weekend, when you are free? Eg keep the number of nights at each home the same, but handover at a different time of day, so you get a bit more time with your DS.

[RedHelenB]

She may be just trying to reassure you that she is ok with him rather than keeping him on her knee deliberately .

[Willow89]

Thank you for all te replies. I have to say I hate to come across as though I'm trying to dictate, I just want to protect my son from any potential hurt such as getting very attached and her being gone the next day. He is at an age where i would be unable to explain what happened.
As I said she is a lovely girl and you are right in saying that thankfully she is nice and wants to be involved I just felt it was too much too soon.
Thank you for pointing out the fact that I will always be his mammy no matter what, I don't think I really thought of it that way. My fear is that he is so young he could very easily be attached to her as he is with me.
Unfortunately due to my living circumstances ATM which is another thread completely sometimes I need to go to his house and spend time with my son there so it isn't a case of just picking him up and leaving sometimes. I take him most of the weekend however as well as working I am also in college trying to get my degree. Don't get me wrong i spend plenty of time with my son and I suppose I'm just jealous that ex and gf get to spend more time with him and that makes me feel quite insecure, but it is beyond my control right now, while I work to give us both a better life. Suppose I just need to keep telling myself it will be worth if all in the end

[cestlavielife]

Lots of people will come and go in and out of his life. You can't control that. Best he has nice memories of her if she does move on than nasty ones.

[BooyhooRemembering]

you can only do your best and it sounds as if you really are working hard to create a stable future for your son. this may not be an ideal situation but it may help to look at it this way - you are in a position (for now) where you cant be with your son as much as you'd like, isn't it great that the people he does have to be with are so attentive with him? if he can't be with you then being with his dad and a loving step parent is a great situation for him. i understand your concerns about him becoming attatched but remember that lots of babies go to full time day care and are looked after by very attentive people for 8-10 hours out of the day, they may have a few days of feeling disorientated when taken out of childcare but it really doesn't last and they are so resilient. try not to worry. i think your boy is lucky to have so many good people around him and he will have lots of support growing up. you cant have too much love

[lowercase]

thats how to look at it...another person who loves him.

could you open up to her?
get involved, tell her how much you miss him, that you feel like you are missing out and can she tell you everything.
thank her.

you cant change the situation, work out how you can get the best from it.