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can I moan about my rubbish brother?

(9 Posts)
freemanbatch Sun 04-Nov-12 18:01:33

When I told my brother I'd split from ex he said 'oh what a shock, none of my business why.' And that was it, he then text ex saying how lovely a guy he was and he couldn't believe I'd kicked him out and could they still be friends. He hadn't asked why we split so I hadn't told him about the abuse but I kind of expected he would support my decision and not go off making pals with Ex.

I heard nothing at all from him for three weeks, even though my dad had filled him in on the details. When contact came it was a 'keep the date' card for his wedding in 2014 that I knew the date for before so didn't really need the card and it really felt like another kick from him. Again I heard nothing for ages other than a text at nearly midnight on DD2's birthday saying he was far to busy to text before because he is really very important at work, and a text two days after my birthday again saying he was far too busy to remember on the day.

I am today 3 months on from ex leaving and I have been kicked by my family in more ways than I could ever explain and I am more or less on my own emotionally and also practically unless I go to visit my mum and dad who then do little bits with the kids so I get a few minutes to myself. I've just been there for a few days and my mother has gone on and on and on about my brother not having seen the kids for ages and he really want to and blar blar blar, he's never asked me if he can see them, and finally she told me they'd invited him over on Friday night so he could see the kids. I wasn't happy but its not my house so not my choice.

He turned up and hardly said two words to the kids before setting off on an hour long monologue about his wedding and just how wonderful its going to be and just how special it is and how much its going to cost us all to go and how it'll be so much better than mine was but then that doesn't matter now really and on and on and on.

I don't expect him not to have a wedding or not to be excited about it but really does it have to be the only topic of conversation when he's asked to come and see the kids and so soon into my split from ex? It is obvious he thinks I'm the one in the wrong which would worry me a lot if I was the girl marrying him but he's supposed to be my brother and I thought he'd want to help me through all this and that he'd be angry that someone abused his sister and he just isn't and it make me feel really quite sad and worried that my family isn't what I thought they were.

No point to this other than its out of my head, please feel free to ignore but also please feel free not to have a go at me for being selfish about all this. I am on my own 99% of the time and having my tiny bit of other people time be so painful hurts.

DoubleYew Sun 04-Nov-12 18:20:03

Weirdly my brother is quite similar. I think they just identify with the man in a relationship and probably not been encouraged to be emotional.

MagicHouse Sun 04-Nov-12 22:13:13

That sounds horrible. The only thing I would say is that it sounds like you've never spoken to him yourself? So you don't really know what message he got about your relationship. maybe you could ask him to come and see you to talk it through? So he hears it from you (although from what you say he does sound quite selfish). Maybe he got a watered down version?

I would be very clear if your mum goes on about your brother wanting to see the children. Explain that he never texts you except to say that he's busy, that you find it hurtful and you would love him to take more of an interest in your children.

I think sometimes, shocking though it is, people close their minds to all sorts of abuse, partly because they don't want to think about it, or believe it could happen. Are your friends supportive? I certainly learned who my friends were when I went through my own break up. My family were fantastic, but one or two friends let me down (in that same sort of way - just not seeming to want to take in exactly why we had split), so I can understand how you feel.

Netcurtainstwitching Sun 04-Nov-12 22:36:04

Stately Homes thread in Relationships?

Perhaps stop expecting support from your brother at least. He's not validating your experience with your ex, in fact he is siding with him!! Keep your distance and take control, you are not seeing him as he is not worth your worry about him rejecting you when you need help the most. Get support from people who make you feel good about yourself. Any friends? Other relatives, cousins etc? Speak to your health visitor if things get too bad?

Its not about him being family, its about the person he is. You can't help having an uncaring prat for a brother. And you don't have to go to the wedding and spend money either.

freemanbatch Sun 04-Nov-12 22:42:27

sorry your brother was similar doubleyew maybe it is a male thing.

Magichouse - I don't know exactly what he's been told but I do know that my dad is absolutely disgusted by his behaviour but for reasons that I am trying to understand there is very little he can do about the situation and I can see it hurts him a lot so I can't even be selfish enough to protect myself from it right now because that would upset my dad more.

My relationship with my mum is such that I speak and she doesn't listen, at least i tell myself she doesn't listen rather than accept that she does hear stuff and chooses to do things she knows will hurt me. I am sure that I put up with the way ex treated me for as long as I did due to my childhood conditioning so life is very all over the place at the minute as I am having to work out who in my life is a positive and will help me find myself in all this mess and move on with my life and who is a contribution to the problem and needs to be removed or at least sidelined a little.

I only had one friend left when ex had finished and she's been really lovely but I have met some new people in the last couple of weeks and I can feel myself building some parts of my life back up so I feel slightly more confident about the world.

Some days I wish I could divorce my along with the ex and start all over again!!

freemanbatch Sun 04-Nov-12 22:47:20

netcurtainstwitching - I tried talking to my health visitor and she told me they were short staffed and it would be a couple of months before someone could come and see me!

He is a prat and a self obsessed prat. I am getting better at not caring, its just hard to accept that ex was right when he said my family would take his side, I always thought that whatever our internal family issues we were a family against the world but I now know that's not the case and I need to find the right way to work my way around it.

DoubleYew Mon 05-Nov-12 00:00:48

I think it is very significant what you say about your mother. Guess what, mine is also a nightmare! As pissed off as I am with my brother I remind myself that he also suffered from my mother's crap parenting (and my Dad's enabling) and his way of coping has been to become very hard and self-centred it seems. I find that sad, especially as our children are very close in age and he lives nearby. But you can't force someone to be the sibling you want. He always picked on me when we were young and I feel this is just an extension of that. I'm a PITA for him basically.

I agree with surrounding yourself with people you do like. Even those friends you feel you have lost, it may be worth dropping them a line.

When I went "public" about my separation a few people told me they were sending love to both of us etc. I hadn't said it was abusive but I also hadn't stressed it was amicable, just one of those things, we'll always care for each other blah blah. It doesn't seem to occur to some people that there is a possibility of domestic abuse in a breakup.

freemanbatch Tue 06-Nov-12 14:09:14

No one but my family knows the reason for the split and it weighs heavy on me a lot of the time because they will have their thoughts about reasons and certainly his family will feel its my fault one way or another and I really want everyone to know the hell he put me through!! he made me promise not to tell anyone before he would leave and things are still far to entangled for me to dare.

My mother is a nightmare and my dad depresses the hell out of me because he promises much and delivers very very little, my brother and sister were always the centre of everything while I got on with being ignored and doing as i was told so I really shouldn't have thought they were going to be any use!

I have made some very good friends recently, not that my mum would count them as friends because we met over the internet but we are all meeting up in London next weekend for lunch and a show and it is weird but I am beginning to feel like the real me, I existed for about 18 months at uni between leaving home and getting tied up with ex so its nice to find me again smile

queenofthepirates Tue 06-Nov-12 21:48:16

I can't wait for my brother to start having kids so he can perhaps have an inkling of how it feels.

A few weeks after I had my DD and was a new single parent, my brother came over, plonked himself in a chair and declared he was terribly tired and wasn't planning on being particularly civil because he's had a few late nights. Now after having had an emergency C-section after a three-day labour and caring single handed for a newborn, I had to hold onto the settee to stop myself from ripping his head off.

Two years on, he hasn't become any less obnoxious. I tend to largely expect little and not to be disappointed. I can't wait for him to have kids so I can pick my moment, launch myself into his house and have a good moan about the price of fish/how tired I am after some light dusting/how he doesn't understand, blah, blah....

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