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Any lone parents with babies?

(30 Posts)
ballroomblitz Sat 03-Nov-12 22:22:53

I know there was the pregnancy thread (that I never went on) so there must be lp with newborns/babies

Just wanting to know how everyone else is getting on with being on their own, dealing with ex/maintanence issues?

Me I'm finding it hard going atm.

queenofthepirates Sat 03-Nov-12 23:28:32

I was LP with a baby (had her on my own albeit with family support) so can offer a hand to hold if you'd like to? I now have a 20mo DD.

What's happening with you lovely?

BooyhooRemembering Sat 03-Nov-12 23:30:40

i'm a LP and was when both mine were babies.

what is it your struggling with? ((hugs))

ballroomblitz Sat 03-Nov-12 23:39:05

Have a 4 wk old.. honestly with a lot of mum and dad support so can't compain. They're brilliant but it's bloody hard enough. Don't want to slag off ex but he is a bit shit sometimes, and knows he is.

ThoughtsPlease Sat 03-Nov-12 23:46:28

What are you finding hard? My ex left when I was 3 months pregnant, I my son is now 6 months, i also have 2 DDs who are 5 and 6 years.

BooyhooRemembering Sat 03-Nov-12 23:48:15

are you getting plenty of sleep, i know it's hard with a new baby, and you convince yourself this or that needs done but really make sure you are getting enough. dealing with stress while you are exhausted is so much harder.

what sort of things are happening with EX? is it to do with contact or money? both?

ballroomblitz Sun 04-Nov-12 00:02:51

I'm exhauasted.. Can't lie about that. Contact is a bit of a nightmare and he still hasn't set up anything about money.

I don't care about that though if he would just help me out about sleep

I've already done this even with somebody they were crap about looking after a newborn.

sorry that's a bit of a rant

ballroomblitz Sun 04-Nov-12 00:04:57

and no I have no idea of what sleep really means

BooyhooRemembering Sun 04-Nov-12 00:10:43

ok. i dont think you can rely on him to allow you to sleep. what about your parents or friends? could anyone help out even a couple of hours in the mornings to let you go back to bed?

ballroomblitz Sun 04-Nov-12 11:29:17

Friends they all have their own lives. Parents I don't like to ask too much of. I have a 5yo too so the half term has been tough as I can't sleep when baby is sleeping. Everyone always goes on about how strong I am but they don't see it's all a front and how much I cry behind the scenes. Just feel so down about everything lately.

BooyhooRemembering Sun 04-Nov-12 12:31:14

i felt like that too. in truth i had depression. have you spoken to your HV or GP?

i know you say you dont like to ask too much of your parents but at a time like this you really should be getting as much sleep/rest/downtime as possible. i'm sure your parents would hate to think of you struggling and not wanting to let them know. when is half term over for you? could they even take your 5 year old out for a day to let you just rest, forget about all the dishes and housework, just rest.

ballroomblitz Sun 04-Nov-12 20:42:52

No I haven't spoken to my hv or gp. Hv has kind of left me to my own devices with dd being a second child. Have my postnatal check coming up so if I feel the same I'll mention it then. I have had episodes of depression and anxiety throughout my life so it wouldn't surprise me.

Half term is officially over now and ds starts back tomorrow thank goodness. Feel like a crap mum that I've hardly been able to do anything with him the whole holiday and am looking forward to him starting back.

Housework what's that? grin My house has been a bomb site since dd arrived. Can't keep on top of it at all.

I hate the night times. Feels really lonely once ds has gone to bed.

BooyhooRemembering Sun 04-Nov-12 20:46:53

use that time to sleep wink

i hope you feel better soon. and yes, talk to the GP if you are still feeling down.

MagicHouse Sun 04-Nov-12 21:39:32

How old is your baby? I can empathise - my two were both horrific sleepers, and the first 6 months (my dd was 4 when ds was born) were so hard. Even though I was still with ex, I did ALL the night wakes etc and looked after dd pretty much full time, but at least I could get the odd shower etc. It must be really tough on your own. I became a lone parent when ds was just 1, so it was still pretty tough at that age - he wasn't great at sleeping and had major tantrums. The first few months on my own were really hard. Now he's 2 and a half and the difference is incredible. We're a little unit, we have routines and our home is a happy (clean and tidy - I get time for housework!!!) one!
I think I'm saying that you're in a tough bit, but hang on to the fact that though time is dragging now, it does pass, and it WILL get better. I agree that I would ask your parents for help, even though you don't want to. It's all about survival!

ballroomblitz Sun 04-Nov-12 23:39:03

Thanks Booyhoo and I will speak to the doc if my mood doesn't improve.

She is a mere 4 weeks old MagicHouse so it's pretty relentless atm. The thing is I've done the lp thing before as I broke up with ds's dad when he was two after ten years together, so you think I would be used to it. I had just started to get a bit of my life back and returned to studying when I fell pregnant with dd so all my plans went out the window.

You're right it will get easier. I need to hold onto the fact. Getting a chance to do housework sounds strangely appealing. I spoke to dd's dad today and told him he needs to get a grip and show up when he has planned to and not let me down. It's happened too many times already and I won't have him doing that to dd as she gets older. Considering going and staying with the parents for a couple of nights this week. I know my mum will feed me up if nothing else as I haven't been eating right either.

Thanks it's nice to get a couple of things off my chest.

BooyhooRemembering Sun 04-Nov-12 23:42:29

i think that's a great idea to go and stay with your mum, even if it is just for a few good meals as i'm sure you aren't up to doing loads of cooking ATM. take care of yourself.

MerseyMama Mon 05-Nov-12 04:16:55

Hi am not a lp anymore but I was when my older two were babies. Whereabouts to you live ballroom maybe we could meet for coffee, my youngest dd is 3 months, if you are local. Am sorry you having a hard time hugs xx

chocoreturns Mon 05-Nov-12 09:13:25

I am a lp with 4mo and 2yo DCs, ex left when I was 4mo pregnant and DS1 was 17months. It's very, very hard work.

Recently I've gone down the legal road (by which I mean putting contact arrangements in writing via a solicitors letter, and contacting the CSA, but no court orders etc) which I really wanted to avoid. However I have to say it's made me relax a hell of a lot. I know there's a lot to say for not being adversarial, but honestly you do need boundaries with a newborn. It's so challenging anyway that not knowing where maintenance is going to turn up or when you can rely on a break is going to wear you out emotionally. I would definitely advise any friend going through this to be firm, and if necessary state your boundaries in writing etc just so you can stop feeling like your DD's dad can wander in and out but you are nose to the grindstone all the time

DinosaursOnASpaceship Mon 05-Nov-12 09:36:46

I'm a lone parent with a 16 month old toddler, and I am nearly 28 weeks pregnant with ds4 (I also have two other children but their dad helps me with them and has them over night etc)

The lack of sleep is the hardest thing for me, my toddler isn't the best sleeper in the world and it takes me hours to get him to go off at bedtime, I have to stay laying down with him. So I get no evening, no time to myself to unwind. I worry about how this will work with a newborn too - I don't know how I will cope with 2 under 2 on my own. I'm dreading my due date, the weeks are going far to fast and as hard as I sometimes find things now, I know it is going to get so much harder.

I get so jealous when I go to my scans and see couples, when I'm there alone with my children. I get jealous when I hear people saying that their partner has let them lie in/cooked a meal/bought flowers for them and is generally spoiling them due to their pregnancy. I haven't slept for more than 2-3 hours in one go for 16 months.

And I hate how people judge me. A single parent to 3, pregnant with number 4, claiming benefits etc - I read something on here a few days ago and it mentioned the 'underclass' and I feel like that's how people see me. But it couldn't be further from the truth, people will always see what they want to see though.

ballroomblitz Mon 05-Nov-12 18:43:26

Thanks really nice thanks MerseyMama but taking a wild guess with your name grin I'm not near you. I'm in NI.

I went with a solicitor with ds's dad myself as he was being an arse and I had issues with ds's safety that I wanted in writing. It certainly did make him pull his socks up. Would really like to avoid going down that route again but I think an informal agreement in writing between the two of us might be a good start. That's exactly how I'm feeling - like he just wanders in and out when it pleases him and I haven't seen a penny off him yet and had to pay for everything bar the moses basket myself.

Dinosaurs was yours the thread I read earlier about taking your kids toys because of the mess? If it was I read your op with a grin and thought well done! I'm always threatening that with ds but have never had the nerve to do it - yet.

I went to my scans by myself too bar the 20 week one when ex came. I had to have more than usual so spent a lot of time waiting around alone in hospitals for appointments. I prefered it though as I couldn't bear to have to wait with ex making awkward small talk.

Do you have any help with family or friends? That sounds really tough, especially if your toddler is a bad sleeper. Are your older kids old enough to help a bit when the baby comes along?

I know what you mean about thinking people judge. I'm on benefits atm with two kids to two dads. I felt so ashamed telling the hv that when she was asking the questions about the kids and family. I made a quib but honestly felt like crying sad Last year my tipsy sil started on about single mothers on benefits and how they are scroungers around the dinner table on Christmas day. The whole table went quiet and she suddenly realised what she was saying and tried to backtrack about how I was different because I've worked all the rest of my life and was studying. Twat angry Thank goodness she lives away and I only see her once a year.

DinosaursOnASpaceship Mon 05-Nov-12 19:25:19

Yep I think that was my thread - I am the mean mammy that hid the toys smile

I've got to have extra scans for growth and it would be lovely, if just once someone asked to see a photo or asked how it went, or even watched my toddler for me so I could concentrate on what the midwife is saying. But, on the other hand, like you say, it means no awkward small talk or having to watch him fake interest and I can sneak into McDonald's afterwards

My older boys dad (I have two children with my exH and will have two with exp) is really good with them and has then 50% of the week which really helps but at the same time it undoes any routine we have in place and unsettles ds3 who wonders where his brothers have gone. They are 8 and 10 and really good with the toddler, some days when I just need 5 minutes they sit and keep him entertained for me. Ds3 idolises them.

Your sil sounds like a right knob! It's such a common opinion though sad I told the midwife that all my children had the sane father because I was embarrassed and I didn't want to admit to being a pregnant single mother blush

BooyhooRemembering Mon 05-Nov-12 21:06:40

ballroom i am in NI too, if i can be any help to you (doing a bit of shopping or meeting for coffee) please PM me. i am in south down.

BooyhooRemembering Mon 05-Nov-12 21:09:12

and yes it is a very common opinion. my own sister would be of the same mindset as your SIL. i feel sorry for her that her mind is so small.

ballroomblitz Tue 06-Nov-12 07:14:53

Not mean at all. I say inspired.

How is your pregnancy going? Mine were extra growth scans too as ds was born really tiny but dd was fine thank goodness. It was worrying at the time though and I found myself getting anxious before every scan incase I was going to get bad news. Nice to get all the extra peeks though. Does your maternity hospital not have a creche? Mine had a free one I could plonk ds in. Was great as he actually looked forward to going up to the hospital with me and meant I didn't have to keep him occupied for hours on end.

Sil is just very opinionated. I look back and laugh a bit as it was such a stonking foot in mouth moment.

That's really sweet that your kids are close. I take it your exp isn't quite so helpful?

Cheers Booyhoo I'm near Belfast myself. Yes it is a popular opinion judging by some of the 'likes' and comments on facebook that I see from 'friends'. Has made me wonder about some people that I know. Hardly surprising though as a lot of our media and government seems to foster and infact actively encourage this viewpoint.

Feeling so much better today as I got more than 3 hours broken sleep. Dd was very unsettled all yesterday so wasn't expecting her to sleep but she must have worn herself out being up a lot of the day. Ex is meant to be making an appearance to look after her at lunch so might head to bed for a couple more hours, providing he actually shows up this time.

DinosaursOnASpaceship Tue 06-Nov-12 09:01:21

Exp thinks he is helpful hmm he pops round after work to see ds3 for an hour which in theory is great cause I could have a bath or read a book but that would involve him actually being helpful instead of just sitting on his backside moaning at me (I'm lazy is his main complaint)

He isnt paying CSA at the moment and they have just written to me with a schedule of payments including arrears and he is having a major strop about it - because he occassionally throws me a pack of nappies or buys ds3 a top or something so he says that's his contribution and he won't give cash incase I spent it on heating or bills and it would benefit my older children and he says he cant stand the thought if his money being spent on them. He's writing to the CSA to tell them that he wants to contribute through goods rather than cash and wants me to co sign it! He is a bully and won't let it drop.

I don't think the hospital has a crèche but I will definately ask. I've got my appointment for my scan and whooping cough jab tomorrow. This is my fourth pregnancy and my others all weighed 7.3, 7.4 and 6.14 so about average I think but the midwife disagrees. I carry small though, I'm not showing that much at 28 weeks but seem to get massive about 34 weeks. Pregnancy has been ok, lots of uti bugs and been tired but nothing I can really moan about. I can't believe I only have 12 weeks to go - Christmas and my 30th birthday are first though - 30 years old, single, 4 children - what a catch wink not that I want a man, I don't think I would trust one near me again.

How are things with you? Hope you managed to get some sleep last night. I can see why they used sleep deprivation as a form of torture, being tired makes everything else feel so much harder. Just keeping on top of the housework is enough for me most days, I'm clinging on to the fact that in 10 years time all my boys will be old enough to be independent, they oldest can babysit the youngest, I'll have a job and a some sort of social life, be able to sleep at nights and be school run free almost. Good job they say life begins at 40 now days wink

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