Sorry this is long......My 2DDs 5 and 6 years, have been unhappy with every other weekend overnight contact for years now.
It is a cycle of going for a few months, then starting to say they don't want to go, to then getting upset at going.
Then we try again just for the day and their Dad says they are fine once they are there, so we start overnights again, and a few months later the same happens they say they don't want to go. I think it all gets too much for all of them, I don't think he can discipline them very well, and I am not sure they really enjoy what they do with him.
I have tried to talk to DDs and him about what is going wrong, but he has always refused to talk about it and always said they were fine and they needed to just get on with it, he has told DD1 in front of me that 'sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do so just get in the car, this is what is happening'.
I have over the years made suggestions to him of going back to just day contact for a longer period of time until they are consistently happy with it before starting overnights again, but he always refuses and say 'I just want court ordered contact, no discussion'.
I think I know how to help the situation, and the girls have said that they think they would prefer to go every third weekend.
He has been back to Court numerous times about this, most recently a few weeks ago the Judge ordered a CAFCASS Report, their Dad didn't want one, but obviously the Judge said well that is the next stage if you can't agree what is best for them.
After the Court Hearing, he finally agreed to talk to the girls with me about how they felt, we did this and actually there was an immediate improvement, they felt listened to and that their feelings were important to him for once. Future contact looked promising. We agreed, or rather he agreed that it might be better to try and ensure the girls enjoyed contact by working out problems ourselves rather than through the court.
So the next contact weekend came, and DD1 was quite poorly, she missed the last 2 days of school, she had been up in the night with a fever etc and she wanted to just stay at home. I didn't think this was much of a reflection on how she really felt about contact, she simply felt ill. DD2 went and stayed the night and appears to have had a nice time.
However he has now written a letter to DD1 that say he loves her very much etc etc, and from now on he will simply ask her every time when he comes to collect if she wants to come and if she doesn't that is fine, she can just say no.
To me this is ridiculous, he has now after carrying her kicking and screaming to his car saying she has to go, now told her she doesn't and can just decide each time whether she wants to go that weekend or not. I think we need to find a solution that both DDs are happy with, not just let her decide each time. What is going to happen whn DD2 says actually I don't want to go this time either, or they start arguing about 'well I'm not going if you're not' which I have already heard them say.
I have suggested every 3rd weekend as both DDs have said that they think that would be better, I think they prefer time at home, but they clearly do want to see him, but he has said no, he will just turn up every other weekend, if they go great if not nevermind!
This isn't a good way forward is it? To me it puts decisions on them that they shouldn't be making at 5 and 6, and making the decision themselves every other weekend? I have always said to him that we need to listen to the girls and then for us to make arrangements that work for them. I also think it is so wrong on all sorts of psychological development levels.
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Letting a 6 year old 'dictate' contact arrangements
9 replies
ThoughtsPlease · 02/11/2012 22:29
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NatashaBee ·
03/11/2012 00:00
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