Such a long story....(4 Posts)
I am a long time lurker and this is my very first post. I have a huge story that I really need to offload....
I was with ex H for 7 years. We got together, really because I was pregnant from our casual sex. I thought I loved him....I really did. We got married 15 months ago. I had become very close to a male friend (nothing physical) lots of texting, only as friends though. I regret marrying ex, I wasn't happy on my wedding day, I was scared didn't want to let anyone down and got through the whole day by shutting down and going into auto pilot. I began to realise I needed to leave him. It took me so long to build up the courage. He is 10 years older than me, and was controlling, never physically but emotionally, made me feel so down, always made comments about my weight (I'm a size 8/10) made snide comments about what I was wearing. I told him that it was over and he made me stay....I talked it over with a friend and she gave me the courage to make the break. I did it and walked out so he couldn't make me stay. Since then I have been so relieved. My male friend has shown me how much more there is to life. I deserve so much more than someone who constantly puts me down I dyed my hair recently and had my ears pierced and when ex saw me he said "what are of trying to do? Rebel and become a teenager again?" Uh no, I. Doing all the things I could never do with him!
We have a daughter who is almost 6, she spends half her time with each of us. She cries for him when she is with me and it breaks my heart he is buying her things, letting her stay up late....I am trying to keep things normal, like discipline and bedtime, but as daddy is being the fun one I feel like I am losing. I am 100% happy that've left, I'm a better person, I can be myself. But seeing DD like this is horrible. Whenever I try to talk to him about it he shouts at me, makes me feel worthless and tells me that it is all my fault
Well he would say that wouldn't he.......
I had a great chat with a hv about v similar things today. She said this is typically what separated dads do - the spoiling etc whilst mums generally try to stick with routine and stability. She said the best we can do is maintain a stable environment so the DC always feel safe with us. Over indulging isn't helpful in the long run - my dad did with me when I was little - still think he's a prat!
In the mean time your life changes sound so positive! Don't look back
Have you thought about contacting Women's Aid? They help people who have been in controlling relationships. If you can let his crappy comments not effect you, he will lose his power. If it is really unplesant tell him to only contact you by email and only to discuss things relating to dd. Insist by getting caller id, saying "I'm putting the phone down, please email instead." Don't discuss anything in front of dd, just keep it brisk but cheery.
You have to separate your relationship with him from your dd's with her father. My ds is younger but I have read on here that dcs of people who are together will often cry for the other one eg Daddy's at work, wah wah, I want Daddy, you are mean. Let her be sad but remind her of the fun thing she will do tomorrow with you and the next day when she is with her dad. Yes she may like staying up late and getting presents now but in the long run children value keeping things normal and putting the hard work in to make them feel secure.
Hmm, OK I'm living on the other side of the fence, I'm the Dad who's always less disciplined than the kids mother. I have more money (or less outgoings) and get the children more stuff to play and use. I don't know what is the perfect ballance of discipline and routine, but I'm guessing it all associted with the type of relationship that you build with your child. Parents even in a relationship have different ideas about what is and what isn't OK for their children, like allowing your child to climb trees. Therefore it could be seen as emotionally controlling to say to someone, your a bad parent for not doing as I want, and not having the relationship I want you to have with your children.
Clearly this isn't what your saying but it maybe what your Ex is hearing, hence the defences go up.
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