I am very angry.....(8 Posts)
Hi I just need a rant, sorry.
I know that I am the adult and that I should control myself but things at the moment are in such situation that I feel very angry with DD and ExP.
I feel angry with DD because she has just come back from being with her dad and as usual when I am re-setting boundaries she starts wingging and crying saying that she wants to go with her dad, which it is completely understandable.
I am very angry with ExP because for DD he is all the fun and he never educates. Usually I am ok with this and I am prepare for it. But this time I am very angry and dissapointed and I cannot stop myself . Other times I am fine with all this but not this time.
I guess that this time is also different because ExP has been messing me around a lot more than usual and I am tired of this. I would like it to stop and I would like him to mind his own business and leave me alone.
Can you give me any ideas how I can change this feeling that I have at the moment please? I know that the situation won't change so it is me who needs to learn some techniques to deal with it the best I can.
OK, short term: Do something FUN when she first comes back.
Second: re-introduce boundaries slowly.
How old is she?
Longer term: Ask your ex to do some homework with her. (Or say, if it's his weekend, it has to be in Monday morning) So he has to do SOMETHING. (FWIW, my DD is only 3 and she gets homework every weekend and it is to be handed in on a monday so that's not utterly unreasonable)
Oh, and have a <<hug>> I am married to a man who has two elder kids (my DSDs) who he lets get away with everything. Bugs the life out of me.
Thanks. DD sees her dad every two months so it wouldn't work. I know that because he doesn't see her that much he will always spoil her and I will live with that. I am just very angry at the moment as there are lot of things going on. It is very difficult to talk to him, the relationship between ExP and I isn't very good and he is very controlling.
DP and myself always try to do fun things with DD and we tried to re-introduce boundaries slowly but this time she came back unable to do everything that she could do before (dressing, eating and so on). She was even wearing a nappy when we picked her up . She has been out of nappies for over 6 months now.
Thanks for your comment
Hmmmm....back in nappies......? I think I'd be having a 'polite' word with the ex re back stepping all your hard work.....
Agree with Foslady.
I would be demanding an explanation for the nappies (after 6 months, he must have seen her without them and you are not sending them with her anymore!)
Could you look to have more frequent contact but for shorter periods?
Oh you poor thing!! As previously mentioned putting her back in nappies is unacceptable - smacks of complete laziness on ExP part and it's possibly another 'control'tactic which he knows will cause you problems. I had similar when my DD was younger (- their Dad had his contact stopped for 7months but this is being reviewed. That's my peace and theirs gone - oh well ) Your exP needs reminding that DD is growing up adn he should be suppporting her, not regressing her. Good luck & big hugs xxxx
I think I might be putting the nappy in an envelope and posting it back to him!
Not really, but I might just think about it......
That sounds really hard :-$ I think I would save your wars for your ex, and try not to get in the least bit frustrated with your dd if she has regressed from being with him.
You say your are very angry with her, but it sounds like she is very little, and is just confused. None of what's happening is her fault. She probably doesn't understand why you are angry with her, but like you say her reaction to it (saying she wants to go back to her dad) is understandable, though unfortunately is making you more upset/ angry.
It sounds like you're angry with your ex, and chanelling that onto your dd. If you could stop that things would settle down - she would stop reacting to your feelings, and it would stop the cycle. You have to realise that a controlling man would like nothing more than to remove your control from the situation. He'd probably be delighted to hear how your dd (and you) react when she returns home. Tell yourself that all she wants is her lovely mummy, and that's exactly what she's going to get. Regressing is not a good sign from her, and it would make me all the more fierce about being a calm, loving mum on her return. Just take things from where she is, refuse to get annoyed about anything she's "forgotten" she can do, tell yourself over and over it's HIM you are annoyed with - she just needs you to love her no matter what (and go and punch a pillow when she is in bed!)
In the long run, she will want a calm, loving environment (with no bitter feelings about your ex evident) with boundaries. If it's all about "competition", (which it often is to a controlling partner) remind yourself you will always do better by providing that.
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