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feeling very very down, everything just taking its toll

(22 Posts)
CalpurniaRocks Mon 29-Oct-12 16:14:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuriosityKilledTheCrap Mon 29-Oct-12 18:44:21

So sorry for you. Do you have other support in real life?

CalpurniaRocks Mon 29-Oct-12 18:55:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foslady Mon 29-Oct-12 20:22:28

Write a diary of it all including your ds's reactions, any crime logs etc, that way when the letters of his lies come through from his solicitor you will have your proof ready and waiting. Stay strong, OP, you're doing really well ((unmumsnetty hugs))

Meglet Mon 29-Oct-12 22:21:15

You shouldn't have to put up with his abuse anymore. He is being totally unreasonable and treating both of you badly and at his beck and call. You are bending over backwards to accomodate him and he is still treating you like shit.

I always come across like a cow in these threads but TBH I'd be getting him to mediation where he will hopefully have his backside kicked into shape. The mediation officer told my XP his similar behaviour was unacceptable. In the end I arranged a contact centre but he refused to attend so we haven't had to see him since.

I'm not sure any good can come of continuing a relationship with a dad like that as it will rub off on his son. Have you been in touch with womens aid, they might be able to support you. At the end of the day your DS has a right to a good parent (which his dad currently isn't), his dad doesn't have a right to see his son, he has a responsibility to be a good parent.

chocoreturns Tue 30-Oct-12 09:01:15

I second contacting WA. I rang them in floods of tears after similar experience with my ex, they named it for what it was - psychological and emotional abuse. I've now got local, professional support and access to expert legal advice so that I know exactly what my rights and responsibilities are re contact.

You sound very confused about that right now, and I understand, I was too. But it has been made very clear to me now. Your responsibility is to give your ex a reasonable opportunity to be a good dad. Your right is to move on with your life, as much as you can, while making sure that opportunity remains. It is NOT your responsibility to bend your life around his football fixtures or provide all the necessary things a parent should provide (bedding, food, clothes etc while he is with his dad). Those are HIS responsibilities. He needs to commit himself to his son. You need to extract yourself from his influence. I seriously recommend getting some help to do this, I know I couldn't have done it without the support of my local WA branch.

If he doesn't like it, he has recourse to the courts/mediation/behaving like a decent human being. He can't just stamp and shout and insult you until you agree that football is more important than your son's relationship with him. what an absolute twunt he is You are doing much better than you think you are, and you are worth much more than this. Biggest hugs to you and your DS x

cestlavielife Tue 30-Oct-12 11:29:12

start by realising that no way could you change ex - nor can you change him now.
but you can change your way of dealing with him.

1. get a separate PAYG mobile and tell ex you changed you number/block him from your own phone.
so you use the payg when ds is with ex to contact etc otherwise you dont need to look at it when ds not with him or you not needing to arrange stuff.

2. move forward with formal ways mediation solicitor etc.

3. stop providing stuff for ds at dad's - ex has to start managing.

did you call police when he was smashing window with a drain pipe? is ther any formal record of his beahviour? iof yes - good. use it.
if no then you on tricky ground but keep the texts etc to show solciitor. if he is harassing you -report him to police.

time to get tough on him and calmly gain control ie by not engaging or repsnding to his texts unless they very factual adn about speciofci arrangements. you dont ahve to defend yourself.

seeing a counsellor or attending a seprated and dovorced course can really help

CalpurniaRocks Tue 30-Oct-12 13:45:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CalpurniaRocks Tue 30-Oct-12 13:47:10

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CalpurniaRocks Tue 30-Oct-12 13:47:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife Tue 30-Oct-12 16:38:51

my ex who ahs diagnosed MH issues always is telling me how I ahve MH problems and how abusive I am etc. let it roll off...ignore....

it is his shame not yours.
you have to show texts to solicitor.
and see if your friend downloaded or copied or saved the facebook statuses.

it is NOT your shame it is his.

stop taking repsonsibility for his behaviour.

like all of us you were taken in/fell for his charms/thouhgt he would be a good dad/good person...etc etc
so he isnt.
it is NOT NOT NOT your fault !

he can ask for fifity fifty. of course he can.

fact is, although you showing evidence he is danger to you/harasser etc, you perfectly happy for ds to stay overnight etc so on those grounds he presents no welfare issues to DS as far as you are concerened.

so on that basis there may be no reason why he shold not have DS fifty fifty shared residence...

but do not not not not offer flexible contact at your house - that is completely nuts... i did do this too thoguht it was for best i could supervise etc - but it was completely the wrong thing to do ex got violent and agressive in my house. no boundaries. the man is harassing you wants you dead and you gonna let him near you in your house ??? no no no dont do it.... is of no benefit to your ds

so if oyu think ex is ok to look after ds on his own unsupervised - and so far you ahve allowed it -then yes set out some level of contact approaching fifty fifty you can agree to. have it all formalised.

the problem iwht mediation with people like this is they overrrun teh session and take over and rather than discuss stuff to mediate they turn it around into all about them and how eveil you have been to best go straight to getting a watertight legal residence andcontact order thru courts

cestlavielife Tue 30-Oct-12 16:40:44

ps is he spanish? why would he take him to spain?
my ex is spanish....

CalpurniaRocks Tue 30-Oct-12 16:58:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoubleYew Tue 30-Oct-12 17:21:07

the problem iwht mediation with people like this is they overrrun teh session and take over and rather than discuss stuff to mediate they turn it around into all about them and how eveil you have been to best go straight to getting a watertight legal residence and contact order thru courts

This is exactly what I have just experienced.

Print off all the abusive stuff, put it in a file for when you need it. It is quite freeing in a way.

You cannot be reasonable with someone like this as whatever you do will be wrong, not enough etc.

cestlavielife Wed 31-Oct-12 00:12:02

It is not your job to worry about his culture shock the more he has him the more he will have to do....Frankly I wouldbe tempted. To go for a very much fifty fifty and then fully document how much he doesn't turn up. After three. Months you will have a very clear picture to show solicitor or court or mediator.
Call his bluff. If ds is happy to see him then let him have him alternate days or something. Offer him a lot more than you offering now then record carefully how much he actuallyn turns up .
And a full day. Nighht day on alternate weekends.

Stop meeting his wishes and whims set out a clear schedule offering mabe a lot more . Give him a culture shock let him have ds from Saturday early am to Sunday pm every other weekend so he has to consider him...

Don't tell ds tho Until you have a routine gong well.

My guess is he will either step,up or he won't bother and you will,have your answer.

My ex always said he wanted to see dc every day . He had tues and thhurs for contActat and missed half of them (he was going thru a depression etc ) so judge at next hearing said sometimes less is more as I had a good record and log..So it was cut to me weekday evening. (then it all fell aprt but that is another story )

Set the days he will have ds and stick to them. If he misses due to bad back or hangover you don't offer more or swap unless it means ds going say two weeks without seeing him.

My ex also tells me how everyone knows how abusive I am. etc. just ignore .

cestlavielife Wed 31-Oct-12 00:16:07

See if he can have him one overnight he can have him two or three in a week and he can have him from Saturday am to Sunday pm. Gives you more time out too. Offer. More contact then sit back and record what actually happens....

CalpurniaRocks Wed 31-Oct-12 07:00:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife Wed 31-Oct-12 14:22:22

what is lack of basic parenting? define this.

you are happy for him to go overnight so more overnights should not be an issue?

i think you need to give ex DS for longer periodds - he isnt going to learn (neither ds nor ex) if you drop in after work/nursery, if he comes to your house , or if he only has him short times when it suits ex.

offer one or two short mid week sessions and alternate weekends from saturday am thru to sunday pm.

the more you allow ex to get away with bit sn and pieces with ds ie not havng to do the whole 24 hour thing then he will take the piss even more.

otoh if you can define lack of parenting skills and actually show he isnt capable of havng ds more than a few hours then different...

DS will be fine if this is a loving caring dad.

if he isnt then you need to define why and how.

things like inconsistency, not turning up etc gives up when has a "bad back" (how severe? o the floor cant move bad back?) etc.

CalpurniaRocks Wed 31-Oct-12 15:12:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife Wed 31-Oct-12 18:22:53

i do get it - it is cannot win situation .

but if you end up in court and he says "i really want to see my son more" and you say
"he never changed a nappy"
well judge will just say well let him have his son then he will have to change the nappy.

just try and get all his requests recorded in email and keep yours very factual.

be ready to put phone down on him if he swears at you. (~Bye gotta go " and put phone down. (this may lead to text email rants how dare you put phone down but just ignore)

stick to offerring something reasonable eg one or two vening plus alt weekends saturday morning to sunday evening and repeat ad nauseum.

record this in email.
then if/when he takes it to court you can show what you offered.
and keep good logs of how oftten he says "i cant coz football" etc.

only communicate by email.

it is hard but once you start being firm and saying no it becomes easier.
and dont think that you are responsible for keeping the relationship; so long as you offering as you are, the rest is up to him or not as he chooses.

CalpurniaRocks Wed 31-Oct-12 19:29:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoubleYew Wed 31-Oct-12 22:44:26

Support from WA has really helped me. Once you've made contact with them you don't need to keep convincing them this man is behaving badly towards you, they have seen it all before and know how exhausting and stressful it is to live with. You can just ring up and say X has happened / been said, how am I going to handle it and they can help you to come up with some strategies of what you will say if it kicks off at next handover. I have found it so helpful to just have a phrase prepared, rather than defending myself on the spot to someone who is completely unreasonable and selfish.

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