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I'd like to be a really good friend, please help.

(22 Posts)
TheCrackFox Sat 27-Oct-12 21:41:29

one of my oldest friends has recently separated from her DH (thank God). Obviously I want to help and support her and I was wondering if anyone had any good tips and suggestions.

foslady Sat 27-Oct-12 21:49:43

Listen, remind her she's not going mad, and give her a reason to laugh.....they become something you forget to do ....she's lucky to have a good friend like you

vamosbebe Sat 27-Oct-12 21:54:00

Great advice from foslady
I'd add, if you go for a coffee with her and the DC, help by keeping a good eye on them while your friend can drink hers in peace. I meet a friend twice a week and she just whisks DS off to say hello to the staff in the cafe and old ladies etc to coo over, and looks after him running around while I can switch off and drink my hot tea in peace for 5 minutes. Unequivical bliss!

TheCrackFox Sat 27-Oct-12 21:57:13

I will try my best to listen but I am might be too distracted by the voodoo doll that I am trying to make of her "d"H. Seriously, he has had a personality transplant in the past couple of years.

I know money is an issue but she will be far too proud to accept any from me.

foslady Sat 27-Oct-12 22:00:06

Why not arrange a pizza night at hers - that's what my friends did for me. I was told to provide the oven and they all piled up with wine, brownies and pizza. Great night with friends, no childminding worries and free

TheCrackFox Sat 27-Oct-12 22:03:23

Good idea, I'll bring the pizza and wine.

TBH she has been so strong it is amazing. I would be in prison by now.

I have offered lashings of babysitting.

ninah Sat 27-Oct-12 22:14:12

adult company - the evenings can be lonely at first
maybe one to one as well as the pizza groups
specific rather than general - it's great to say i'll babysit whenever you want, but if she's the proud type she may be reluctant to actually ask
and keep going - sometimes the beginning is easier because you are quite numb with shock but the lonliness hits a while down the line
what else - could your family join her and dc for stuff like bonfire night, as a newly lone parent you can sometimes feel as if friends slam the portcullis's of their nuclear families and the 'family' events can be hard. Xmas in particular, obviously - even the adverts could set me off
you sound great, wish I'd had a friend like you when I left the baaarstard!

TheCrackFox Sat 27-Oct-12 22:25:20

She is really lucky as her family are all close by and are all utterly lovely and they have been a great support for her.

I might point her in the direction of Mumsnet, my DH works 5 nights a week and I find Mumsnet great company (not in anyway comparing myself to being a single mum).

Do you think a voucher for a massage would be a good idea? Her stress levels are through the roof.

We have been friends for over a decade. She supported me when I had PND and she didn't even have children then and I would like to return the favour. She helped me more than she coukd ever know.

Grockle Sat 27-Oct-12 22:27:56

Also, if you visit her house, make her a cup of tea. Without asking. I always missed someone making me a cup of tea. Or maybe take some food round so she doesn't have to cook (a stew or something she can heat up) one night.

And yes to evening company - go to hers for a takeaway & wine. Make sure she has someone who can babysit now & then. You might have to insist. My sister texted me yesterday to say she'd pick me up this morning, take me top drop DS off at his activity & take me out for coffee. She didn't ask me, she told me. It was nice to know that she wanted to do that - I didn't ask for help.

And make sure you are there down the line - in 6 weeks/ 6 months - when the reality sets in.

glitch Sat 27-Oct-12 22:30:08

Yes to any massage voucher or just invite her round, take her out, phone her and just generally listen to her (says she as a recently separated person!)

Brief hijack - Ninah, is that you from Dec 05 babies?

foslady Sat 27-Oct-12 22:31:43

YY to the cup of tea - I never refuse a mug at work purely for this reason!

TheCrackFox Sat 27-Oct-12 22:33:40

Good idea about the cup of tea. The liitle things are more important than the grand gestures.

Grockle Sat 27-Oct-12 23:15:23

The cup of tea thing is one that I realised when I totally broke down one day, sobbing. I couldn't remember the last time someone did something just for me, just because. It can be quite tiresome being the only who has to do absolutely everything. It really IS the little things & it makes a world of difference knowing someone is there for you

Grockle Sat 27-Oct-12 23:20:28

And, just by posting what you have, you are going to be a really good friend. Someone who bothers to think about how to help is a wonderful thing. I think you are lovely.

foslady Sat 27-Oct-12 23:27:35

Grockle been there - done that too......sad

TheCrackFox Sat 27-Oct-12 23:30:31

I'm really quite horrible but I do have my moments.

daffydowndilly Sun 28-Oct-12 09:02:14

Listen to her, without comment. Call her regularly, not just now but in a few months too. Send her a bunch of flowers/pretty card/ token gift. If you don't live nearby, invite her to visit. Take her out for a girlie night. Let her join in on things like bonfire night. Give her a hug. (I really missed hugs from adults at the start).

ninah Sun 28-Oct-12 18:02:22

Yes it's me from Dec 05 babies wow, they are 7 soon! did you have a diff name glitch? were you at the meet up? am now happily single and have retrained as a teacher, life busy but good. Remember tp tuesdays?!

ninah Sun 28-Oct-12 18:05:25

and listen to her, op (sweetheart from dec05 thread was a big help to me, I remember, as I ranted on about stuff)
my personal cup of tea equivalent is being driven somewhere, it is SO nice to be in the passenger seat and to look aimlessly out of the window!

glitch Mon 29-Oct-12 07:52:19

Hey Ninah, I am George from Dec05. Still here after all these years but have just moved on to the lone parents threads now grin. Funny how MN caters for you whatever stress life throws at you.
Now TP Tuesdays....gosh that seems a long time ago now.

ninah Mon 29-Oct-12 23:19:50

oh george how lovely you are still around, I remember you! I would say sorry to see you in lone p's but to my surprise going it alone has really been the making of me, although I would have never guessed that at the beginning. Hope things go well for you too - pm me if you ever want to chat.

glitch Mon 05-Nov-12 20:59:52

Ninah that is lovely to hear. When and how did it start getting better? (says she after a crap, lonely weekend grin).

Crackfox, after personally having a tough day yesterday, might I suggest just turning up with a bottle of wine and a takeaway menu next time she is alone on a weekend.

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