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Pity and patronised for being a single parent

(18 Posts)
Fifi2406 Tue 23-Oct-12 22:24:53

I've done the whole thing by myself from 10 weeks pregnant until now my son is 13 months....and only met his dad twice both very brief! a lady I met through post natal group who I still see for lunches has a husband said to me that her husband was going away for a week and she didn't think she would cope on her own so I just said "oh of course you will you'll just get on with it" she then said "yeah your right it could be much worse I could be on my own all the time like you" I just said thanks (sarcastically) she then tried to back track and say what a wonderful job I was doing and that I'm such a strong woman blah blah blah really I wanted to poke her in the eye and i had to make an excuse to leave before I shouted at her! Anyone else come across this? And how do you react if people say things to you??

LineRunner Tue 23-Oct-12 22:27:47

Fifi, She wasn't commenting about you, she was really making it all about herself.

Drives you nuts, though, I know.

Fifi2406 Tue 23-Oct-12 22:28:47

She also said she feels better about him only going for a week knowing I've got to do it by self forever angry I feel like she took comfort in thinking my life was shit compared to hers! Maybe I'm totally over reacting!!

TheMysteryCat Tue 23-Oct-12 22:30:21

I had this the other day. I just smiled lots. I hate it and cringe on the inside, but often people have no idea what to say so end up putting their foot in it.

Fifi2406 Tue 23-Oct-12 22:33:36

Yeah I agree she totally didn't think about what she was saying before she said it but then you think well that's what she really must think!

GoingToBedfordshire Tue 23-Oct-12 22:36:00

She actually said that OP? About feeling better knowing that you have to do it by yourself forever? Seriously, ditch her. Thoughtless dimwit.

I'm not a lone parent but my Mum was and she has since said she had to endure the same kind of cringeworthy comments. I think most of the time the 'wow, you're doing a great job, so strong' etc type comments are well meaning if a clumsy.

I have good memories of my childhood and my Mum had a solid (if small) circle of friends who accepted her for who she is and did not define her by her marital status.

Best of luck to you.

TheMysteryCat Tue 23-Oct-12 22:38:37

My only comparison is with friends that have children and those who don't. Friends without are often just as daft about what they imagine life with a child is like. I reckon it must be the same for people who have never been a lone parent. And I get how scary it would be lose a partner if you've always had them there. It just doesn't really compute for them though, Especially when it's people like us who have never had the baby's father in our lives.

Kewcumber Tue 23-Oct-12 22:42:33

You really need to stop taking comments to heart unless they truly are bitchy. Most people don't give two hoots about your life they just want to moan/bitch/gloat about their own. They don't think about what they're saying. Obviously that isn't going to make them into a good friend, but as someone you meet for lunch occasionally why do you care what she thinks?

You obviously get on with your own life quite happily, you don't need to get defensive about what others say until they are obviously out to get you! When people tell me how tough it is when their husband is away I always smile nicely and say "I'm sure that's tough" - because it is tough for them, they're not used to it. I would find it tough if someone parachuted a partner into my house for the weekend and expected me to cope with them!

And if people say "it must be tough being a totally lone parent" my answer to a casual acquaintance is "yes some bits are much tougher, and some bits are easier, but I'm happy with my lot in life"

Kewcumber Tue 23-Oct-12 22:42:56

(Have been a totally lone parent for 6 years - and heard it all!)

Fifi2406 Tue 23-Oct-12 22:44:07

Themysterycat - yeah I see that to! Friends without children don't really understand you really don't have me time to do whatever whenever which is also very annoying!

Fifi2406 Tue 23-Oct-12 22:48:21

Kewcumber - totally what I needed to hear! I think it's just cos its the first time someone has been so blunt about it with me! I over thought it! I get on just fine by myself and the 2 times when his dad has been there I've just wanted to be like oh forget it give him here! So in that way I feel lucky I don't have to think about anyone getting in my way!

akaemmafrost Tue 23-Oct-12 22:51:53

I say "I've never been happier!" while looking like smile. Because it's true.

Even with two dc with SN and being a lone parent, life is better and less stressful when ex lived with us. Fact.

crackcrackcrak Tue 23-Oct-12 23:19:49

Heard a few comments like that which have irritated me. Ah well. I'm another happy lp.
I'm pg with dd2 and I'm getting 'do u know how hard it will be with 2?' Sensitive!!!!!
I privately think - well it probably will but ill survive better knowing I don't have to wash some twats underwear and compromise in anything wink

Kewcumber Tue 23-Oct-12 23:24:15

" its the first time someone has been so blunt about it with me!" well yes that would explain it - you need to practice your sunny happy laugh and "oh don't worry about me, I've got it sorted with the odd bit of help from my friends/family"

LizLemon030 Tue 23-Oct-12 23:34:29

I have also had the odd comment here and there. Usually from women with tiny engagement rings. TINY.

I also go down the line of 'I couldn't pick up socks!' or ask permission to buy a new pair of boots' ykwim?

BollocksToKarma Wed 24-Oct-12 16:29:56

You'll get used to it then you wont even notice when something has been said.

GossipWitch Wed 24-Oct-12 16:38:08

I was a single mother for six years and when people used to say that sort of thing to me, I just thought yes but I dont have to put up with endless hours of footie or more washing, or arguing over blah blah blah, yes being single and having to be responsible for everything is hard but at least its fairly simple, and you know what, you wont be single forever ....

theredhen Wed 24-Oct-12 18:11:19

I've replied to comments like that by saying things like "oh god, I don't know how you put up with living with another adult, having to compromise all the time, it must be terrible, I'm so glad I'm free to live however I want to" grin

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