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Need a grown up to tell me what to do and make a desision!

(26 Posts)
Wetthemogwai Sun 21-Oct-12 12:05:28

I've had a few threads about this before and I'm mainly sorted but I have one last big problem to overcome

Basically, my ex left us after an affair a year ago when dd was 6 months old, our relationship was never stable and there's been a LOT of Jeremy Kyle-esque drama as he hopped between me and his other woman (now wife and mother of his other child). He's really dragged us through the shit and treated dd like a toy.
After much fighting and arguments he has agreed to have dd once a week and his mum has her 2 evenings a week while I go to a class.

I live 100 miles from my family and friends and after 2 awful, lonely years I've decided to go home. For many many reasons I have no doubts that it is the best move for me and dd, ill be happier and as a result can be arch better mother and massively improve her quality of life.

We're moving in 2 weeks and tomorrow is the big day when I tell exp and his mum. I'm bricking it. What on earth am I going to say? Do I tell them separately or together?

He has dd for the day tomorrow so I think I might go round a little early before he can drop her off (he has her at his mums as his house/family is inappropriate and his mum only lives down the road) and tell both him and his mum together. That way he can't twist my words to his mum (she adores dd and it'll break her heart so I want her to hear it from me) but they might end up ganging up on me.

Or

Do I wait for him to come round, tell him and send him with a letter to his mum and text her before he gets there to tell her he's got it.

I was set on the second option but now I'm thinking the first would be better and I have to just walk out if they start ganging up

I'm really dreading it, I don't want his mum to hate me but how on earth to I tell them I'm taking dd away? The place we live is a shit hole but they've lived there forever so won't here a bad word said about it. The place were moving to is a beautiful, quiet little village with a great school, people, clubs and of course my family.

I just wish I was done with and we were there now. I want my mum and I'm so sick of only seeing her every 2 months sad

izzywizzyisbizzy Sun 21-Oct-12 12:07:24

Oh dear - I'd tell his mum and not bother with him - I'd also make sure she knows she is welcome to come and stay with you if she wants to - so she knows she can still see DD.

Wetthemogwai Sun 21-Oct-12 12:25:52

Ill make sure that they both know that they're absolutely welcome to come and stay (seeing my family sat round the dinner table with him would be a picture!) and I need to tell him, I'd feel awful if I didn't.
I'm already lying to them by saying the reason for the short notice is because the date of the move has changed, in reality I just put it off for as long as possible so I didn't have to deal with the aftermath for too long and because I don't trust him 110% not to take me to court in which case the move would be delayed and I couldn't take that!

purpleroses Sun 21-Oct-12 13:58:52

Personally I'd email and explain it all and your reasons and then face them to discuss things once they've had a chance to digest the news. Maybe offer to do a bit of driving your DD to see her dad and gran

cowardlylionhere Sun 21-Oct-12 21:53:38

I saw you on ym other thread! I chickened out today and still have this hanging over me too. Tomorrow may well be the day for me too. I can't leave it too much longer as I don't think it would be fair to anyone not to tell them I'm going. But I'm so afraid of the upset it's going to cause his mum. It's not her fault her son walked out on us, and I'll be taking her only grandchild away. But I cannot keep trying to cope on my own when my family are all down there willing and able to help, the house we've seen is more than perfect and the schools seem nice too. I feel so much less anxious than I did this time last week when I didn't even know if I wanted to move. Tbh I surprised myself by takign the decision to do it, I can't believe I have the strength tbh. But I know I'll always wonder what if, if I didn't at least try it out for a while. In a year, if I'm truly not happy there then I can always move back here. I have no advice though. I too am waiting for the real grown ups to come and do this for me. I am startign to let myself get a teeny bit excited about the move, but having this looming large is stopping me being completely happy. I'm so worried he'll try and stop me going, though I have spoken to lots of people who have said he can't actually stop me moving. He's the one who walked out on us. But i feel that by taking ds so far away, I'm putting the nail in the coffin of us as a family iykwim.

Wetthemogwai Sun 21-Oct-12 23:20:50

purple I don't have his email address and he's blocked me on Facebook so that's not an option, also his mum doesn't do emails. I was thinking maybe a letter though so I could drop the bombshell and then give them the letter to read when they're calm enough to read it through and digest it

lion I couldn't believe how similar our situations were when I read your thread! I'll report back tomorrow when I've told them and if you haven't done it then you can learn from my mistakes!

TodaysAGoodDay Sun 21-Oct-12 23:29:31

I'd tell his mum first, then him, that way she gets it from you, not his version. If you have to tell them together, then can you write her a letter anyway just reiterating what you said and why? It may help her understand. But definitely tell her, even if you don't tell him. Good luck with whatever you decide.

RedHelenB Mon 22-Oct-12 07:20:11

No, you tell them both together or else the FATHER of your child first.

Wetthemogwai Mon 22-Oct-12 08:38:58

I never thought of telling his mum first to be honest, if I tell him first then she'll get the news through him and if I tell her first hell get the news through her and I want them both to hear it from me.

red I hear what you're saying but in reality his mum is a bigger part of dds life so she shouldn't just be brushed aside and left to find out however

I think ill tell them both at the same time. It's the only fair way to do it. Ill get dd ready and in the pram, tell them, answer any questions, give them the letters and go. No arguments, no fighting just calmly drop a bombshell and go.

Wetthemogwai Mon 22-Oct-12 11:13:51

Right, he's just picked up dd, he's definetly going to be there when I go round later so I just need to write the letters and grow some balls!

queenofthepirates Mon 22-Oct-12 11:51:13

Best of luck sweetie pie and tell us how it goes. You're doing the right thing
Hugs x

Wetthemogwai Mon 22-Oct-12 18:21:52

Thanks queen x

I've written the letters now, got about an hour til take off!

cowardlylionhere Mon 22-Oct-12 18:28:18

Thinking of you. Still not told them here either

Wetthemogwai Mon 22-Oct-12 18:56:13

I've got wine, I'm shaking!

Jemma1111 Mon 22-Oct-12 19:06:33

Don't worry ! You have every right to move away with your child , your ex will have no right to make you feel guilty if thats what he tries to do !
Remember , he left you so therefore he can't complain and besides its hardly the other end of the Country you're moving to.

Good luck !

Wetthemogwai Mon 22-Oct-12 22:32:01

I'VE DONE IT!!! God I feel so relieved! lion it was hard but I just blurted it out, we all burst into tears but I think they understand, my ex especially which is good. It's all very real now! So no excuses, I've done it so now you have to too :D

KennethParcell Mon 22-Oct-12 22:34:51

oh phew! You can plan your move now! i hope life is easier and happier when you're nearer your friends and family.

RandomMess Mon 22-Oct-12 22:35:33

Glad it went ok

cowardlylionhere Tue 23-Oct-12 09:44:45

I need to do it tonight. I've less than 3 weeks til moving day. I'm expecting tears too, but actually I don't feel so guilty anymore. I'm not the one who walked out, I'm the one who's been left with no support and has been left with 3 children to bring up while he swans around like it's not his problem. If he wants to act like a single man then that's his choice. I have no choice but to act like an adult, a responsible one at that, and staying here to try and prove I can do it by myself is doing noone any good, least of all the children. You've given me a teeny bit of hope that it'll be alright so thank you smile I'm actually getting excited about the move now which I never thought would happen.

belleshell Tue 23-Oct-12 10:52:43

i did it 12 months ago! its been a bumpy ride but the best thing i have done in 19 years!! Good luck and wishing you both a happy ever after..x

Wetthemogwai Tue 23-Oct-12 16:48:42

Thanks everyone smile

Good luck lion! You can do it, I found that crying helped my cause a little but I suppose it depends on your relationship with everyone! Hope it goes really well x

cowardlylionhere Tue 23-Oct-12 17:07:10

I haven't invited them round, I'm far too tired and ill. I htink we have a vomitting bug sad I'm meant to be seeing his mum tomorrow but I don't know that I'll be able to. I need to just remember that I'm not askign their permission I suppose. I'm not apologising or justifying, I'm merely informing. Then it seems less daunting.

Wetthemogwai Tue 23-Oct-12 17:58:57

Aww get well soon, that bugs done the rounds up here too sad fingers crossed its just a 24 hour one!
Exactly, you're not justifying it or asking permission, you're doing the best for you and you're family and as he left he gave up the right to decide with you and stand in your way. Will it be easier if you're not in your house? That way you can leave when you want and you're not stuck with them in your house til they decide to go

bertiebassett Tue 23-Oct-12 20:49:10

Ok ladies....my final grounds for divorce:

1. The parties lived together for 14 years prior to their marriage. It appeared to the Petitioner that following marriage the Respondents attitude towards her changed. In particular he

1.1 Was reluctant to spend time together as a couple and seemed to be seeking companionship/intimacy elsewhere. The Petitioner found this extremely upsetting.

1.2 Made statements, later retracted, that led the Petitioner to feel very insecure. For example, the Respondent said several times that he wished to end the relationship.

1.3 Stopped giving the Petitioner any emotional support, and often referred to her in ways that she felt were derogatory.

What do you reckon? I've kept it brief and tried to maintain my dignity and his pride (by not mentioning OW or NSA websites etc!)

bertiebassett Tue 23-Oct-12 20:49:42

Soooo sorry, posted on wrong thread! blush

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