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Aaaarrrrggghhhhhhhh why did I let myself get in this mess?!

(7 Posts)
er1507 Fri 19-Oct-12 23:24:49

Long story short me and ex were together for 5yrs, split up when dd was 3months but should have been waaaaaaay before I even got preg. (I finally found strength when dd was born) She's now 15months. He's been to prison twice So far (in the last year) once when dd was 4mo for about 9weeks and tr day after her 1st bday for 3months!

he's a complete idiot and has never ever ever paid maintence. I've allowed him contact in the past as i did really want them to have a relationship even though he would always be really late! after he went to jail this time I very luckily found out he stole and pawned dds gold necklace and bangle my nan bought sad I managed to get them back thankfully. Stealing from me is nothing new (not in a while though) but stealing from dd?! That's just too much for me!

Iv vowed he would never lay eyes on her again and he got out last week and text me "I'm sorry for everything, iv been told you don't want me seeing dd I understand and hope you give me the chance to be a father. I need to be with her."

What the actual fuck? is he real? I need to be with her?!

My blood boiled and is still boiling. He's text me a few other times and I've ignored them. Am I doing the right thing? I jut don't have faith he's a changed person, he's been given so many chances in past and has blown them... Long I know!

queenofthepirates Sat 20-Oct-12 18:10:57

Tricky one-are you asking us whether we think you ought to let exDP see DD?

Okay, IMHO, he's probably not changed but it is his DD and unless he's violent or abusive rather than just the twunt, thorn in your side, contact is better than no contact.

There are some practical things you can do to help yourself. You don't have to let him through your door, you can insist on contact via a contact centre or visits away from your house. If he's lightfingered, don't let him over the threshold.
You can also ask for a bit of cash! If he can't come up with actual money, buying your DD a few clothes is a good start and should make him take this parenting thing seriously.

I agree with you, his language is a bit heavy handed, not nice for you to read. Let's hope he grows up a bit and starts contributing. Your DD can make up her mind as to whether he's a complete waste of paper when she's older.

Hugs x

er1507 Sat 20-Oct-12 20:42:44

Thanks for replying. Yeah pretty much that is what I was asking and I think I just needed to vent a bit. I just do t want him in and out of her life and would rather have no role model than a negative one.

Katkin13 Sat 20-Oct-12 20:58:23

Vent all you like! You certainly deserve it.

He does need to be a part of her life. He's her Dad. For the rights and wrongs of it he is but I think that any contact with him, for now, should be supervised.

I know it's hard to not put your feelings in front here but your daughter won't thank you if you're that Mum that stopped a little girl seeing her father. Your daughter will make her own mind up. How old is she btw?

pictish Sat 20-Oct-12 21:05:06

Oh it's a toughie, but he is her father and that's the long and short of it.

I do agree his language is manipulative and given he has never so much as put his hand in his pocket for her, hard to swallow as anything less than a ploy to get his own way.

Unfortunately, there is little you can do to change the fact that he's her dad. I would seek advice from CAB and so on....just so you know where you stand.

Very good luck - I feel for you. x

er1507 Sun 21-Oct-12 19:03:17

katkin she's 15months. maybe I'll try a trip to the park and see how that goes.

YourHandInMyHand Wed 24-Oct-12 16:57:34

What has he been to prison for? Theft? Violence?

Most solicitors will offer you a free consultation and can advise you on what would be the norm for a criminal dad who's barely seen his 15m old, and who has stolen from your home.

Obv you will not want him in your house.
I would call his bluff, do it all via solicitor (he won't like that) and push for contact centre. Contact should be on set days and times. His life sounds a bit chaotic and I doubt he'll stick to set contact. Doing it via solicitor means you don't have to have him manipulating you via text or phone either, everything can be done officially.

I have a friend who's son has a dad like this. She did the solicitor thing and he backed off, disappeared for years. HOWEVER her son got to 7 and desperately wanted to see and know his dad. She had to track him down for her child's sake. He now sees his dad sporadically and sadly seems to have realised already he is a bit of a letdown but it was very important to him to have a dad. Poor kid!

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