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Finding it so hard

(19 Posts)
AntiqueTable Fri 19-Oct-12 23:10:20

I've been on my own for a few months now. Completely on my own as my ex has no contact with our DC. Such a painful decision to end our marriage. I know it's right but it hurts so much. I work full time and I like my job, my DC are amazing but I feel so crushed by loneliness. I have very little real life support as haven't lived in this area very long, I have lots of online support but long for a hug or hand hold though not bothered about another relationship. How do I get through this, does it get any better? I only see more months/years of this stretching ahead of me and it makes me feel anxious and afraid.

friendlymum67 Fri 19-Oct-12 23:22:14

It does get better honestly. I've been where you are - albeit 8 years ago - and I thought I would never get thro it, but I did and if I can, you will too. The aching loneliness is horrible - I ended up using online support a lot and my youngest sleeping in with me!!

Try not to look too far ahead - I know that's hard, but take one day at a time and before you know it another week has gone by, then a month etc.

My heart goes out to you as I do know how you feel and one of my friends is currently going thro the same thing. thanks

Sorry it's not more constructive advice x

ninah Fri 19-Oct-12 23:26:45

I was where you are now
It does get better, I promise
I have retrained and do a job I love, I have friends and my confidence has grown immensely - I rarely feel lonely these days
the first months were very hard though. agree with the one day at a time advice

AntiqueTable Sat 20-Oct-12 08:32:56

Thank you both. I am in a job I love so that's something. Haven't been there very long to make friends there. I just need to keep plodding on. One day at a time like you say.

Katkin13 Sat 20-Oct-12 21:00:25

Did Dad choose to not see his daughter? Seems strange thing to do. If he doesn't want to see her than that's a real pity.
Chin up! At times like this you rely on your friends and support network and you're certainly in good company here.

Goonatic Sat 20-Oct-12 21:06:20

Oh you poor thing. Where are you? Pm me if you like.
Can you build up a few colleagues as friends for the odd drink or night out?
I have met a lovely new pal through mnet, could you look to see f anyone is near youmn the local pages?
Hug to you........

Goonatic Sat 20-Oct-12 21:08:16

Sorry about rubbish typing

AntiqueTable Sat 20-Oct-12 21:39:17

Katkin13 It's a long story and I don't want to give too much detail as will be easily identifiable. I have 2 DC and at the moment there can no access and won't be for the forseeable, just the way things are.

Goonatic I struggle for nights out as no one to babysit as well as being new to the area. I am relying on online support for now, I have lots of friends but very few geographically close.

Feeling a little better tonight as some nice things cheered me up today. I have felt a bit dizzy but putting that down to stress. Feeling less hideous tonight.

Thank you for the support.

Goonatic Sat 20-Oct-12 21:54:43

Oh wish I could help! Do you have anyone nearby (teenager neighbours, nursery staff?) who can sit? Reading between the lines, sounds like you have had a really tough time and are protecting your DC's. Sounds like you are also doing a great job and are suffering ourself because you are giving so much to sorting them out.
Think about how good a job you are doing, I bet your kids worship you! X

YourHandInMyHand Sat 20-Oct-12 22:01:51

Hopefully you will start to make friendships at work and build up a bit of a social and support network. If you use childcare for your dcs ask at their childminders/nursery/preschool if they know of any reasonable + reliable babysitters. It's great you have a job you like smile ask what they usually do for xmas (office party, meal out, night out) make it know you are looking forward to getting to know everyone better.

I don't know if you work full time or part time but also try and do local stuff with the dcs if you can as another way of meeting people.

My DS often climbs into my bed and it's lovely! It is hard and I struggle too - just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

AntiqueTable Sat 20-Oct-12 22:02:54

Yes, have had a hard time this last year or two you are right. I never thought i'd be in this position. My children are a little older so that's easier in some ways as they are getting more independent (one at primary school, one at secondary), but of course I meet less people through them as I'm not doing school runs with working. And of course it takes time to build new networks. Thank you again Goon, I may well pm you, or you are welcome to pm me.

AntiqueTable Sat 20-Oct-12 22:06:43

Thank you Yourhand, it does help knowing I'm not alone. I work an hour away and don't live near any colleagues, but the adult company at work is great and I am going on the Xmas night out. I just wish the evenings and weekends didn't feel so lonely even though I am lucky to have my DC.

suburbophobe Sat 20-Oct-12 22:15:12

I will give you a hand to hold, because I have been there and done that, got the t-shirt {threw it out already}

You are definately not here alone.

Life as a SP can be lonely but a hell of a lot better than being in an awful relationship, take it from me.

wokeupandsmeltthecoffee Sat 20-Oct-12 22:23:54

I'm nearly 8 months down the line and also get days that I feel lonely. I'm.lucky I have fantastic support close by but it is still hard some days. My dd is just 11 months. She is teething has a temp and just puked all over her bed. Maybe I'm not so lucky. Ha ha ha

I do so second is better just us. smile

Troubledjo Sat 20-Oct-12 22:54:57

Hi, just wanted to say that it definitely does get easier. I have been on my own for 8 years now - since DD was two. Also, mostly completely on my own as my ex moved abroad for a while, and though he's been back for a while now, and sees her regularly, she never stays overnight with him. I used to hate being on my own in the evenings but have got so used to it now that I actually enjoy it. One day at a time is good advice. And one challenge at a time. For me it took a long time to get used to the idea of being a single parent and feeling confident with it, and once I did things got a lot easier. I also have a job which I love, which definitely helped. Not necessarily because I met people, but just because I had an environment in which I could just be me and be successful professionally, which seemed much easier than being a single parent. Since your kids are older, maybe you could find other families with which to trade sleep-overs - I have definitely found it has been easier to get some time out since my DD has been a bit older (though I can imagine it's harder with two). It does take time, and sometimes they feel like very small steps, but you will be fine. It's hard to meet people too when you don't feel happy, but you will be amazed by the returns when you just make a small effort. Make yourself go along to social occasions when opportunities arise and just try smiling at people - most people are friendly. The primary school must have some social functions where you could get involved. Also, every now and again look back and remind yourself how far you have come. Just reading your post made me think back to the two years where I pretty much left work every day and cried on the way home on the tube before I had to put my brave face on to pick up my daughter. I almost can't believe it now. And I also know that my life (and my DD's) is so much better than it would have been if we had still been with her dad. I can honestly say that we are both happy now. I know it sounds trite but sometimes having to put a smile on your face for the kids actually does help you not to feel so bad. Unfortunately, it doesn't get better overnight but little by little I am sure it will. Sorry, bit of a ramble but I hope it helps to hear from someone who's come out the other side...

Goonatic Sat 20-Oct-12 23:00:16

jo that is so heartfelt and supportive. Your comment about looking back to see how far you've come is resounding. I am not in the same situation but your advice is really sound. I have a 10 yr old dd too! X

Troubledjo Sat 20-Oct-12 23:13:13

Good luck. I really hope things start to get better for you soon. I don't often look at mumsnet so I just saw your thread by chance, but glad if my ramblings helped. I don't really know how the direct messaging thing works but do get in touch if you want to talk.

AntiqueTable Sat 20-Oct-12 23:19:26

Thank you so much Troubledjo, that has helped. I too have a cry on my way home fom work sometimes but I know work is helping force me to be 'normal' and is a good distraction.

Troubledjo Sat 20-Oct-12 23:41:29

You wait, one day something will happen and you'll realise that you have actually become 'normal' - whatever that may be! smile

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