do I need to know

[filthycute]

I posted this in AIBU, but hope this may be the right place to get some opinions and support.

I have posted before about my ExDP shenanigans. We currently are not speaking- at his instigation. He won't speak to me or allow me anywhere near him. So for the last month he has been picking DS up from nursery on a Monday and I pick him up, on a Thursday afternoon from nursery. This is his arrangement and he posts these details on a google calendar.

Anyway today I picked up my son from Nursery - today is his birthday (he's 2). He was having cake , so I stayed and sat with him. I noticed he has a prominent mark on his cheek. I casually asked his key worker 'has he been bashing himself today', she looked puzzled then realised I was talking about his face. She then told me that he had gone home early on Monday after being bitten very hard on the face by another child - which had resulted in the mark and obviously him very distressed. The staff were understandably puzzled that I didn't know.

This is the second time I have been in the dark about something - last time it was a visit to the docs and a dose of antibiotics which I only discovered 3 days later.

So I think he should be telling me these things - . I don't expect daily updates but stuff like this I think I need to know. I have let him know about illness etc,.

Am I being unreasonable? If not how do I approach discussing this, - he won't speak to me, seems to ignore my texts or e-mails. And any suggestion of a criticism sets off the wrath of hell.

[foolonthehill]

Hard if he won't play ball,

what about a communications book in your Ds's bag...at least it's impersonal and nursery could write in it too??

grasps at straws (of course my NSDH would not lower himself to write in such a thing either!!)

[filthycute]

The nursery are very good at making sure the updates are recorded. For the last 4 weeks he has picked up DS from nursery on a monday pm and had him until I pick up thursday pm from nursery.
This may change there is never a fixed arrangement for nights he is with him. I just get told via the calendar. So the issue was really finding out 3 days after the event which even if the nursery document I don't see until pick up.

The current arrangement has been unsettling for DS he is very clingy on the Thursday night, won't settle and ends up sleeping with me, nursery have also said he seems more unsettled than usual. I don't know how to discuss it though given the current stonewalling??

[Foxy800]

OUr situation is slightly different in that although exdp and I are separated we do pass information on but dd is picked up by various different people from school and so we have set up an exercise book which we writei n if we need school to know anything and they write in it to let me know anythign and know I am getting the message from them.

[purpleroses]

Difficult to force your ex to communicate ( though you're absolutlely reasonable in thinking that he should)

But you could make the nursery aware of the situation and ask them to keep you posted separatly and not assume your ex tells you anything.

[GetAllTheThings]

You aren't being unreasonable at all.

I tell my XP ( and she me ) any minor accident dd has had. Or indeed how her poo is. Who ever has dd that night will send a short text about the day, including any ailments that appear to be emerging.

However............. there are times when I bite my tongue. for instance ( and this hasn't happened for awhile now ) there were times when XP would accuse me of not putting warm enough clothes on dd thus causing a cold.

I generally resisted the temptation to point out nursery was perhaps a more likely source of colds and that I did wrap dd up. And it did make me more hesitant to be open about dd's health if I felt I was accused of negligence in some way.

Are there remaining bad feelings from the break up of the relationship ? I think it's essential to be able to communicate, getting there can be tricky though.